evile

Jan. 18, 2002

Well, I continued _The Dance of Deception_ yesterday on the bus, and
a big lightbulb went off--Truth and Honesty are things I claim to
value highly, but now I find that I don't necessarily use them for
the right reasons or do the right things with my 'truth'
and 'honesty'. Like the nasty mom in that movie with John Candy &
Ally Sheedy who just "tells it like it is" and offends everyone. I
was pretty repelled by her abrasive meanness, and now I've turned the
spotlight on myself and realized that I do that too. For someone
else's "own good" For the sake of being "honest" with my thoughts and
feelings. To be self righteous and prove that I'm right. Being right
is more important than being understood and understanding the other.
Not good.

Truth is something that should be told, yes. But Lerner's book says
it's more important to pick the time and place and choose your words
carefully, to enable the person you are being honest with to build on
your words instead of battering them with truthful, honest, hurtful
words that shut them down.

Honesty should be used to open a relationship, to create connections.

If there is not a positive result to be gained from your truth, if
all you want to do is get attention or shut somebody up or tell
somebody off, hold back and wait until you can say your truth with
love, caring, tact...to build the relationship and create the
possibility of more truth, more love, more honesty.

Otherwise, I am just hiding behind Truth and Honesty and using them
as excuses to be mean and ugly and hurtful. No good.