Something I hear on the radio about 'self righteous suicide' --don't
know the name of the song or the band, and I don't really even like
the song. I guess I just like the lyric.
=====================================================
Some interesting stuff from nonbp nook.
Also, other people dealing with BPs report similar problems w/ their
BP that A has: chronic 'illness' 'preventing' them from holding
down a job, meeting obligations, etc., snooping/spying on people
(A bragging on breaking into J's Hotmail account, my
suspicions that she also reads E's email.)
===============================================
From: me
Date: Mon Dec 10, 2001 10:28 am
Subject: Re: History! Do you relive it over & over again?
I have history problems too, and haven't found any constructive way
to get it out of the way and move on.
My last real contact with my BP SIL was over a professional
obligation that she had not met, and I called her on it, and for
whatever reason, she started berating me for the bad time she had at
her bachelorette party that a friend and I had thrown for her 9+
freaking years ago.
I told her that I was willing to listen to anything she had to say
about what happened 9 years ago, but 'not in this context'--I told
her I wanted to talk specifically about what happened X date, and
that I would be willing to hear her out regarding my past
transgressions another time.
She hasn't yet responded to my offer; I am still getting the silent
treatment. I have to admit that it's pretty peaceful, but I miss
seeing my brother. I think I've seen him twice since the big fight in
April, and talked to him on the phone maybe 4-5 times. Very sad. And
I don't know what to do about it. I think she knows that I
was 'right' and she was 'wrong' about the last incident, and wanted
to bring up an incident where she was 'right' and I was 'wrong' to
justify her bad behavior in the present.
I think maybe BP's keep some kind of score card in their heads, but I
am not sure what the game is or what the criteria are for 'scoring'.
They don't seem to understand how to forgive and forget, and every
hurtful thing that has ever happened to them is just as hurtful every
time they remember it as it was the first time it happened. It's hard
to get my brain around that kind of thinking, but it helps when I can
remember this and try to have some empathy.
================================
From: Edith
Date: Mon Dec 10, 2001 3:45 pm
Subject: Re: History! Do you relive it over & over again?
<<
My last real contact with my BP SIL was over a professional
obligation that she had not met, and I called her on it, and for
whatever reason, she started berating me ...
>>
When you "called her on it", then she *split* you into "all bad".
<<
... I told her I wanted to talk specifically about what happened X
date, and that I would be willing to hear her out regarding my past
transgressions another time.
>>
Your confrontation brought her defense mechanisms into play -- ie,
denial, projection, splitting, rationalization, etc. BPDs won't admit
to anything being wrong with them. They see their Self as *either*
all good OR all bad. If she were to see her Self as all bad then she
might self-mutilate.
<<
She hasn't yet responded to my offer; I am still getting the silent
treatment.
>>
Yup, she split you into all bad. And now she's either doing a
distortion campaign on you OR you're "out of sight, out of mind".
BPD's behavior *is* predictable.
<<
I have to admit that it's pretty peaceful, but I miss
seeing my brother. ... I think she knows that I was 'right' and she
was 'wrong' about the last incident, and wanted to bring up an
incident where she was 'right' and I was 'wrong' to justify her bad
behavior in the present.
>>
You have to remember that her thinking is based on cognitive
distortions--its a hallmark of the disorder, along with her
abandonment/entanglement issues. It takes NonBPs a long time to
finally understand BPD's illogically-based thinking. Once you
understand how they think, then interacting with them can be
productive.
<<
I think maybe BP's keep some kind of score card in their heads, but I
am not sure what the game is or what the criteria are for 'scoring'.
>>
Its no game. They have a mental disorder. If they want something that
you've got, then they'll split you all good and hoover you.
<<
They don't seem to understand how to forgive and forget, and every
hurtful thing that has ever happened to them is just as hurtful every
time they remember it as it was the first time it happened.
>>
Yes.
<<
It's hard to get my brain around that kind of thinking, but it helps
when I can remember this and try to have some empathy.
>>
Good, you're starting to understand. It takes awhile. Just don't take
her stuff personally.
Cheers,
Edith
================================================
~~ DIALECTIC BEHAVIORAL THERAPY (DBT) is a type of cognitive-
behavioral therapy developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., at the
University of Washington. It has been successfully used to treat
people with BPD. You can do a search on Dialectical Behavior Therapy
on BPDCentral or on the net. There are many links and books.
Behavioral Technology Transfer Group will be posting a complete list
of clinicians, both nationally and internationally, who have completed
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) training with their company on
their website. Please refer to their clinical resource directory at
http://www.behavioraltech.com Other websites for info about DBT-trained therapists are located at
http://brtc.psych.washington.edu/ click on "Clinical Services" and at
http://www.PortlandDBT.com Also, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) maintains a
list of therapists who treat BPD; their hotline number is 800-950-
NAMI.
===================================================
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