Another way to look at it
Dec. 2nd, 2014 04:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evile12-02-2014 at 01:12 PM (56 Views)
I know some folks who are stuck in a mindset of "I can't leave her, she's sick." or "I can't leave her, she needs me," and while I have to admire the stubborn strength of your commitment, loyalty, 'til death do you part' and all of that, I want to re-frame this person's sickness in this way for those who may need some incentive to move on with your own healing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
1) tension builds
2) abuse/acting out
3) honeymoon/apology
4) calm
The cycle of abuse, from inside the head of the abuser, is almost the same as from the viewpoint of the abused..one or both parties end up contributing to the 'tension building'--the victim to 'get it over with' and get to the good part, the abuser because the self-hate and feelings of worthlessness build until they become intolerable until she can project it on someone and attack that person. Basically, the roller coaster of emotions is the same except that for the abuser, the 'best' part is when they get to inflict abuse (ie: externalize their self-loathing, take out their pain and misery on someone else) and the 'worst' part is the honeymoon/apology because that is when they see themselves and their behavior most clearly, and, if capable, feel intense shame and self-loathing for their behavior, because they know on some level that their victim did NOTHING to deserve the crap they just dished out. That's the horrible, pitiful, most awful part of the whole abuse cycle, for me to have witnessed: the brief moment where the self-delusions are stripped away and the CB realizes just how toxic and evil she really is....and hates herself for it. Anyone with a heart cannot help but be moved to pity when seeing someone so completely miserable.
So, for the non-CB partner in this dynamic, can you step out of the cycle and just have another look at it, see that you are contributing to your partner's misery and self-loathing by remaining in the cycle? Leaving them may feel like a horrible betrayal, a terrible abandonment, but on a higher level you are actually telling the person "I love you too much to want to see you in so much self-inflicted pain or enable you to harm yourself in this way,"
If you can't love yourself enough to refuse to allow yourself to be abused, then please love her enough to leave.
I know some folks who are stuck in a mindset of "I can't leave her, she's sick." or "I can't leave her, she needs me," and while I have to admire the stubborn strength of your commitment, loyalty, 'til death do you part' and all of that, I want to re-frame this person's sickness in this way for those who may need some incentive to move on with your own healing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
1) tension builds
2) abuse/acting out
3) honeymoon/apology
4) calm
The cycle of abuse, from inside the head of the abuser, is almost the same as from the viewpoint of the abused..one or both parties end up contributing to the 'tension building'--the victim to 'get it over with' and get to the good part, the abuser because the self-hate and feelings of worthlessness build until they become intolerable until she can project it on someone and attack that person. Basically, the roller coaster of emotions is the same except that for the abuser, the 'best' part is when they get to inflict abuse (ie: externalize their self-loathing, take out their pain and misery on someone else) and the 'worst' part is the honeymoon/apology because that is when they see themselves and their behavior most clearly, and, if capable, feel intense shame and self-loathing for their behavior, because they know on some level that their victim did NOTHING to deserve the crap they just dished out. That's the horrible, pitiful, most awful part of the whole abuse cycle, for me to have witnessed: the brief moment where the self-delusions are stripped away and the CB realizes just how toxic and evil she really is....and hates herself for it. Anyone with a heart cannot help but be moved to pity when seeing someone so completely miserable.
So, for the non-CB partner in this dynamic, can you step out of the cycle and just have another look at it, see that you are contributing to your partner's misery and self-loathing by remaining in the cycle? Leaving them may feel like a horrible betrayal, a terrible abandonment, but on a higher level you are actually telling the person "I love you too much to want to see you in so much self-inflicted pain or enable you to harm yourself in this way,"
If you can't love yourself enough to refuse to allow yourself to be abused, then please love her enough to leave.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-08 09:47 pm (UTC)Pema Chodron on "idiot compassion"
Date: 2019-07-08 09:48 pm (UTC)Pema Chodron on "idiot compassion"
http://old-shambhala.shambhala.org/t...s/pema/qa5.php
Idiot compassion is a great expression, which was actually coined by Trungpa Rinpoche. It refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it's whats called enabling. It's the general tendency to give people what they want because you can't bear to see them suffering. Basically, you're not giving them what they need. You're trying to get away from your feeling of I can't bear to see them suffering. In other words, you're doing it for yourself. You're not really doing it for them.
When you get clear on this kind of thing, setting good boundaries and so forth, you know that if someone is violent, for instance, and is being violent towards you —to use that as the example— it's not the compassionate thing to keep allowing that to happen, allowing someone to keep being able to feed their violence and their aggression. So of course, they're going to freak out and be extremely upset. And it will be quite difficult for you to go through the process of actually leaving the situation. But that's the compassionate thing to do.
It's the compassionate thing to do for yourself, because you're part of that dynamic, and before you always stayed. So now you're going to do something frightening, groundless, and quite different. But it's the compassionate thing to do for yourself, rather than stay in a demeaning, destructive, abusive relationship.
And it's the most compassionate thing you can do for them too. They will certainly not thank you for it, and they will certainly not be glad. They'll go through a lot. But if there's any chance for them to wake up or start to work on their side of the problem, their abusive behavior or whatever it might be, that's the only chance, is for you to actually draw the line and get out of there.
We all know a lot of stories of people who had to hit that kind of bottom, where the people that they loved stopped giving them the wrong kind of compassion and just walked out. Then sometimes that wakes a person up and they start to do what they need to do.