(first?) ocular migraine

 We took the dogs to the dog park yesterday for a couple of hours. It was very bright and sunny  outside. Then Boba wanted to walk some instead of heading to the car, so I walked him and the other dogs from the dog park  to home.   Once I was indoors, after I'd sat down for a bit, I started getting some wierd visual effects, kind of a blurry zig zag with a fuzzy portion in my lower right section of vision that was just...gone? I had to kind of move my eyes around and use peripheral vision to read anything in that area, like on my phone or tablet screen.  It resolved in about half an hour. Textbook ocular migraine. Not bad, as far as headache. Just a bit of pressure behind my eyebrows/low across my forehead.  My mom and aunt get these and they get nauseous along with the visual stuff. I did not have nausea. I just sat and drank water and tried to keep my eyes closed for a bit. It was wierd and scary but I am fine.  I don't think that's happened to me before, but my memory isn't great so it's possible this isnt' my first ocular migraine. anyway.

Mold is low and cedar is medium today. But the weather has changed and it's been windy so I'm sure there's a lot of dust and crap in the air. 

Other than that, it was a good weekend. We had dinner out with my aunt and uncle on Friday evening, nice visit.  Saturday we walked dogs and took them to the dog park and did not much.  I dusted some shelves and did some laundry. I definitely don't dust often enough.   Sunday morning I got up earlyish, walked dogs with Thax, and had breakfast with K & her daughter C. K is an old family friend who was in town for a memorial/tree planting service for her brother M. who died last year. C is special needs & though she's about my brother's age and living quasi independently her personality & mental ability is basically that of a sweet but somewhat bratty teen/preteen.  She's sweet but sometimes a lot when she gets fixated on an idea, like shopping, or  her phone.    K's  brother M. is my ex friend X's stepdad, and X and he were very close. She didn't talk much about X, as she understands that X and I have bad feeling between us, but the few things she mentioned in passing sound like typical X.  M  had a reverse mortgage, M's widow will be living in the home until she dies and then X will be getting the real estate.  X wanted K. to will or sign over her house to X. X spent some time with K when K was recovering from breast cancer surgery & such, so X apparently feels entitled to be included in the will in that way.   I meean....it was a good thing to do, it was the right thing to do, but X's view of it as transactional...well, typical X.  What else can I really say about that?  K mentioned my mom and how much she'd loved hanging out at my mom and father's place in San Antonio when my mom and father were in college and K's older brothers would include her in their hang-outs over at mom and daddy's place. She thought my mom was so cool, so friendly and fun and creative. I think she had a crush on my father, too. But anyway.....both K's brothers have passed now, and my father is dead, and my mother's mind is not what it was (dementia, aphasia, whatever it is) so K is the last one who has those memories. I mentioned that and she acknowledged it, but not in as melancholy a way as I might have expected from something like that.... K's in good health. she  has a good church community, and friends she meets up with regularly, and apparently she's dating someone, and her job has her outdoors a lot, working in people's gardens and stuff. So she is doing really, really well.  It was really nice to be with someone of my mom's generation who is....well,n ot my mom.   If K was like my mom, she woud have ambushed me with X andor  my ex goddaughter J, or at least  pushed me hard for reconciliation and treated me like my feelings about X were the problem, not X's behavior, drug use, untrustworthy-ness, etc.  Instead, K. recognizes the rift and acknowledges it and still loves X and me.   

I never really had that from my mom....I would always have the feelimg that I was OK but would be better if only [fill in whatever my mom was pushing me to do or not-do]   and that whatever my feelings were, they were invalid if mom didn't agree with them. I am especially sensitive and hugely (badly) reacitve to being gaslit.  I had another fuss with Thax Friday evening over our differing memories about the Xmas we went to Indiana, got snowed in, missed our flight, and had to stay an extra 5 days. and it's SO wierd because I remember him at the time turning to me and saying that he now understands my feelings about my mom....but time and distance have made him now remember the visit as fine and lovely and why was I so upset and hiding in the guest room and wanting to leave so very badly. Doesn't remember mom's passive agressive hissy-fitting at me (us) AT ALL. And, it's over, it happened, it will never happen again, why does it even matter,but it still pisses me the fuck off to have NO ONE remember that last few days of shittiness but me.   

Same with family gaslighting me about skye_ds and her behavior towards sineater, *including* the hysterical threatening phone call she made to the parents in Indiana, like, the day before they got married, practically... but somehow I am the crazy  and bad one. I'm the one starting the shit with skye_ds.  Like, I'm not making shit up. I'm not lying.    And, in stuff with my mom before her diminished capacity, there is a way that I can't explain or describe that women are mean to each other that somehow flies under the male radar. I've even done it myself...not particularly 'on purpose' or in a calculating way, but ...there's just things women can do and say to each other that are subtle and leave the men going "Well, that was a nice visit, wasn't it?" and the women are seething.   So...anyway.  Friday after diner, we were at Ross and Thax mentioned that when we were up in July, my stepdad G. talked about our Xmas time visit 11 ish years ago, and how much he'd enjoyed it, and bla bla bla, so now Thax's story about that xmas trip is 'everyone enjoyed it but E,"...and somehow I guess I"m the fucking defective for not falling in line to repaint the past as fuzzy and rosey.. like,  if I could 'trick' m yself into not remembering things or remembering things differently than they were, wouldn't I want to trick myself into believing that they were NICER and not WORSE? what the fuck. Anyway theres not point to rehashing it, and I told him I wish he wouldnt' bring it up anymore since our memories on it differ, and there's nothing to be gained from revisiting, it just upsets me to be invalidated. anyhooo, blarg, that was a side-track from hell. 

 anyway....it was a nice visit with K. and C. and I was glad that she made time for me in the quick trip down to TX and back in just the space of a long weekend.
 
and then I went home, did a little putterin g at home, dog park, and migraine. Thax got us Chinese food for supper and we watched some dumb TV before going to bed somewhat early. Crazy dreams, nothing coherent, just wierd stuff, and now I'm up and working.