ick

Tried to watch Saltburn last night with Thax; some of my friends on FB were saying it was 'so good!'  It got to a part where the narrator/poor kid in the story is seducing the daughter of the house and she's having her period, and he's all like "I'm a vampire, baby!" and  I had to nope TF out.  That, just after the bathwater drinking....just too much.

I liked Rosamund Pike's character, and I enjoyed her in the Wheel of Time series, the movie was visually gorgeous, sets and costumes and cinematography-wise.  The soundtrack was cool. The people were so awful, even the 'sympathetic' poor kid was awful.

Physically the actor playing Oliver  reminded me of my friend Bad Pat, with whom I have some .. odd.... history. Wierdly obsessive and pointlessly dramatic movies kind of make me think of some of my past with him. (Dangerous Liaisons was kind of 'our' movie - me as Merteuil and him as Valmont I mean, we are adults and way past all that now but that whole 'no one knows how twisted and wicked we are except ourselves, we egg one another on in debauchery and know enough of one another's secrets that it's mutually assured destruction if we ever tell on each other' kind of speaks to me about the wierdness of some of our young adulthoods. Our parents were good friends and thought we were good kids, I encouraged and helped him to seduce some of my friends and then got bizarrely jealous when it worked, bla bla. )

And then the whole 'off to a rich school where people treat you like shit' gave me some Tulane feels. 

My brain doesn't do anything so ordinary as remembering events in sequential fashion, but my heart does a pretty good job of remembering feelings. The emotions stirred by watching scholarship kid trying to make his way among a bunch of impossibly wealthy, beautiful, shallow idiots, not knowing how to dress or behave when staying at their  obscene family estate just the shame, the awkwardness ....ugh. 

Anyway. I had to stop watching. Too many icks.

5 Childhood Trauma Personalities

This was good. I felt like there was  a good bit of overlap for me, like I am elements of more than one, and perhaps it is or was situational for me, as to which trauma personality is my dominant trait.

I related well to the Doer. We skip the messy emotional processing and just go to the solution, fix it.  Use busy-ness as a shield against emotional upheavals. Solve the problems, figure stuff out, analyze, instead of feeling what we feel.  In the few times I've dipped my toe into therapy I have noticed myself saying "I think ---" when the therapist asks how I'm feeling. I have no idea how i'm feeling, what I'm feeling, or in some ways...how to feel.  Emotions are sticky and scary. We don't go to that place.

But then he spoke about the Hostile and I saw elements of myself there, too. This seems more of who I was at times in my tenure at the State. Extremely self protective, extremely reactive against perceptions of unfairness.

Then, woo, pay dirt. The Darkness. Boy, yeah, that's me. Finding the dark cloud in every silver lining-- negative, pessimistic. Things turning to shit, as predicted..wierd way to feel a control over ones environment If we expect and know that everything will turn out poorly, it's not surprising or disappointing when it does, it's just the way it is. Devoid of hope but that's self protective,  you know? can't break my heart, I already broke it. Burned it and threw it away.  That's been me, most of my life, I think.

The Ghost made me uncomfortable, I t hink I was her in a lot of my childhood with my mom and going between her and my dad (who passed me off to his sister and her family) for summer/holidays. blah.

And then we get to the Are We Good.....which is me every fucken day with Thax, and I know he gets tired of reassuring me, and i know that my insecurity about it, as well as my  inability to feel and process my feelings in any consistent and sane manner, is a wedge in the relationship that, thus far, only his kindness, patience, and his own family-of-origin woundings have kept it from driving him away and ending the relationship. (and that feeling of oneself as a burden, and ones emotions and needs as unwelcome and unwanted by others...part of Ghost & Are We Good, voila!)

Intimacy and authenticity are fucking hard, y'all.