![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
2023 road trip
Jul. 14th, 2023 07:49 pmWent from Austin to Indiana and back,with a stop in Oklahoma to see family there. Left July 1, got home yesterday July 13. Sallisaw Ok, Eureka Springs AR, Springfield MO (just overnite, watched fireworks from our hotel window) Bloomington IN, Greencastle IN, Brown County IN & various Indiana back roads hither and yon, then Hot Springs AR, and home.
This was a good trip. It felt longer than it actually was, due to all the adventures we managed to shove in. I didn't take any photos in Sallisaw :(
It was good to see family. I am glad we had sort of a general outline that we filled in as we went, that was a fun way to travel. Originally I'd planned to go to Tulsa and spend a day there, maybe see some friends who live there (Kaleon & his wife S.) and spend some more time with my cousin Weez' oldest girl G and her husband who are both nerds. G's husband and Thax have a good bit in common. But Weez' husband was talking up Eureka Springs so much, I ended up convincing Weez and her husband to take an impromptu overnite trip to Eureka Springs instead. (or maybe her husband convinced me...heehee) Stayed at the New Orleans Hotel. It was fabulous. We rode the trolley, saw Christ of the Ozarks and the historic Crescent Hotel, Magnetic Spring, Grotto Spring, and listened to a blues duet in Basin Spring Park. Really nice time.
Pre covid pandemic I was much more of a planner, having days, places, reservations, and even my outfits planned out in advance. (Speaking of outfits, I didn't need as many clothes as I packed.) Changing things from Tulsa to Eureka Springs would have discombobulated me too much and I probably wouldnt' have done it. Glad I am a little more flexible and changeable these days and not so brittle and easily freaked out.
We got to Bloomington IN a day earlier than I'd planned to be in Indiana but it was not a big deal, my sister had a guest bed all ready for us :) We got to sleep with dogs again after a few days of dog free sleep. Her dogs are bigger than Sunny but lighter than Boba and they curl up very small so they were lovely snugglers. We made lemoncello and lemon bars from lemons they had left over from a girl scout lemonade stand that was not as successful as they wanted it to be. We took my niece Eme to her week of girl scout camp. Apparently they can choose 'specialities' or tracks at camp so she is in the horse group. Other girls are in general camp where they do a little of everything, some girls are in boating/swimming type stuff, there's a lot of land out there and a lot of activities and they have their own lake. Apparently during the pandemic, they opened their site for people affiliated with the scouts to come camp with their families, and H. says it saved her sanity to be able to come and camp from time to time over that year.
We made steaks and various veggies, including fresh indiana corn, one night over at my stepdad's house, drank wine, watched dumb TV, visited. It was good. I brought the HEB coffee that he and my mom like, so they're all stocked up for a while. We are all past the point of wanting 'stuff' as presents (except maybe my brother A, he's catching up on things he missed in prison so he's still keen on getting 'stuff'--though he is checking out books and movies and music from the library and saving the digital stuff to his computer, so that's helping)
We played cards and trivia one night with my sister H and her husband. I had not seen her husband smile and laugh so much. He is a bit of a nerd and Thax thinks he has a hard time with just small talk, and I know he isn't forthcoming on 'deep conversation' because he's very private...so gaming is something he's comfortable with that makes him happy. It was fun to play games. We didn't play anything that took too long or had complicated rules. I can deal with games like that. I just can't spend hours and hours learning the rules and playing some long drawn out saga type game....not my thing. So that was fun.
And then on the way home, we drove to Hot Springs and stopped there for the night. We stayed at the Hotel Arlington, one of the historic hotels that still has hot mineral water piped into the rooms. We got in a little after 5 so we were able to walk around and see a few sights, get some dinner, swim in the pool of our hotel (spring fed,not chlorine! nice!) and enjoy ourselves a bit before we drove home the next day. The dogs were happy to see us but Sunny was a little pouty for a while. She snuggled and slept with us all night, though. I think I slept almost 12 hours last night.
I feel like I was able to give to my various family in various love languages that they speak and understand and appreciate--games with brother in law, cooking together with H and dad/G, cookies and lemon bars and fudge to my mom, quality time and shared experiences with my cousin Weez...food and drinks and togetherness. Listening to my dad when he wanted to tell stories about work and life. That was all really, really good.
I'm glad and grateful for my job that gives me both enough money to travel with and the free time to do so (without any guilt trips or hassles from management--the state was bad about that) I'm glad and SO Grateful that Thax and I travel so well together. We are a good team. I got a little frazzled towards the end; there was a lot of emotion in seeing mom and in helping my sister H. sort out K/mom's art room and the family photos piled up in there. H lives closest so, after our stepdad G. on the front line, she is bearing the brunt of things there. G. is retiring end of August and bringing mom home from the care facility to live at home. Their life is going to be very simple, of necessity due to Mom's health and abilities. I hope it all works out. Mom and G's house is big and there's a lot of stairs. They'll be living downstairs in the house but there is no way in or out of that house that doesn't involve stairs and the laundry stuff is in the basement. more stairs. He's having railings installed on the front and back stairs outside but there's not much to do about the shitty basement stairs. I'd be happier if they were in a single level home with no stairs at all.
speaking of stairs, all the stairs in Eureka Springs and Indiana and Hot Springs were good for me.My knee and ankle are complainy in the morning but the movement was good for them and strengthened them. Seeing my mom so weak after her hip break made me really want to work on being stronger.
Sadly, I don't remember the last time I talked, for real, with Mom. (to be honest, I often dreaded it. I didn't want to hear what I'd done wrong or how I'd fucked up, after the fact) And now that can't happen ever again, for good or ill. She's not herself anymore, she smiles alot and just repeats what you say to her mostly. Some spontaneous words but not many. In a way she's easier and more delightful to deal with now that she's not stubborn, wilful, spiteful, judgemental, intolerant, and impatient....but she's not really Mom without those qualities. And of course she's not able to read, write, type, draw, or create her art anymore so that's a huge loss. I don't want to say or imply that my mom is 100% a terrible person or anything....it's complicated.She is a magnificent being, bigger than life in a lot of ways, amazingly creative and talented, adventur5ous, fearless, fantastically intelligent, hugely damaged. Selfish. Narcissistic. Self centered. Manipulative. I don't think she ever made a choice in life that wasn't about her and what she wanted to do...and if she felt like she had to do something that she didn't actually want to do or like doing, she'd do victim/martyr/ passive agressive punishments for 'making' her do things she didn't want to do. I see a lot of that in myself and I fairly well loathe those tendencies. I recognize where they come from but it's still a huge step from realizing 1) my upbringing fucked me up and taught me shitty ways to behave 2) I don't want to be that or do that to 3) fixing my shit
Two recent-ish revelations in that vein re: mom. 1) she did parental alienation on me and my father's relationship. She manipulated him and me both. It's not fixable. It has to be forgiven because I can't be bitter about that, even if it hurts when I think about it too much. I just have to accept it and let it go. Ho'opono. and 2) the daughter she wanted or should have had is someone more like my SIL Skye_ds. Mom and her have more in common than mom and I (too much like my father) A lot of the gifts my mom sent me over the years were things that would have been more suited and more delightful to Skye than to me (purple, witchy, horsey, jewelry meant for smaller wrists and fingers than mine, shoes meant for smaller feet than mine--Skye's). So...another piece of that unpleasant and problematic relationship...on some level recognizing that Skye is the daughter my mother wanted, not me. (Obviously I'm talking about the good parts of Skye's personality, not her abusive and damaged parts) ..the horse stuff, the witchy stuff, the independent and entrepreneurial stuff...not the mean bitchy stuff.
I wanted to tell mom I love her and ask her to forgive me for not being the daughter she wanted, and tell her that I forgive her too...but I teared up and could not get it out. I did say I love you....but not the rest. And that sucks.
anyhoo...it was a good trip. I got brittle and easily freaked out towards the end and slid into 'all I do is make mistakes, nothing I do is right' mode ...and it's so frustrating to watch myself crawling further and further up my own ass and yet be seemingly unable to stop myself from continuing along those lines. Thax doesn't know what to do with me when I get like that either...it's really a no win situation. No matter what he does or says it just increases my disgust and loathing of myself in that moment. Oh, wait, I didn't take that triple reuptake inhibitor while I was out of town because it requires refrigeration. So I guess if nothing else this shows me that the stuff works. So, back on it.
also I am up to 250 lbs. whee.
OH! and while we were traveling, Thax got a call with a job offer, so his new job starts Monday the 17th. He had at least 4 weeks of severance/pto pay out from his job that ended 6/30 so no paychecks missed during his short stint of being unemployed. Woot!
This was a good trip. It felt longer than it actually was, due to all the adventures we managed to shove in. I didn't take any photos in Sallisaw :(
It was good to see family. I am glad we had sort of a general outline that we filled in as we went, that was a fun way to travel. Originally I'd planned to go to Tulsa and spend a day there, maybe see some friends who live there (Kaleon & his wife S.) and spend some more time with my cousin Weez' oldest girl G and her husband who are both nerds. G's husband and Thax have a good bit in common. But Weez' husband was talking up Eureka Springs so much, I ended up convincing Weez and her husband to take an impromptu overnite trip to Eureka Springs instead. (or maybe her husband convinced me...heehee) Stayed at the New Orleans Hotel. It was fabulous. We rode the trolley, saw Christ of the Ozarks and the historic Crescent Hotel, Magnetic Spring, Grotto Spring, and listened to a blues duet in Basin Spring Park. Really nice time.
Pre covid pandemic I was much more of a planner, having days, places, reservations, and even my outfits planned out in advance. (Speaking of outfits, I didn't need as many clothes as I packed.) Changing things from Tulsa to Eureka Springs would have discombobulated me too much and I probably wouldnt' have done it. Glad I am a little more flexible and changeable these days and not so brittle and easily freaked out.
We got to Bloomington IN a day earlier than I'd planned to be in Indiana but it was not a big deal, my sister had a guest bed all ready for us :) We got to sleep with dogs again after a few days of dog free sleep. Her dogs are bigger than Sunny but lighter than Boba and they curl up very small so they were lovely snugglers. We made lemoncello and lemon bars from lemons they had left over from a girl scout lemonade stand that was not as successful as they wanted it to be. We took my niece Eme to her week of girl scout camp. Apparently they can choose 'specialities' or tracks at camp so she is in the horse group. Other girls are in general camp where they do a little of everything, some girls are in boating/swimming type stuff, there's a lot of land out there and a lot of activities and they have their own lake. Apparently during the pandemic, they opened their site for people affiliated with the scouts to come camp with their families, and H. says it saved her sanity to be able to come and camp from time to time over that year.
We made steaks and various veggies, including fresh indiana corn, one night over at my stepdad's house, drank wine, watched dumb TV, visited. It was good. I brought the HEB coffee that he and my mom like, so they're all stocked up for a while. We are all past the point of wanting 'stuff' as presents (except maybe my brother A, he's catching up on things he missed in prison so he's still keen on getting 'stuff'--though he is checking out books and movies and music from the library and saving the digital stuff to his computer, so that's helping)
We played cards and trivia one night with my sister H and her husband. I had not seen her husband smile and laugh so much. He is a bit of a nerd and Thax thinks he has a hard time with just small talk, and I know he isn't forthcoming on 'deep conversation' because he's very private...so gaming is something he's comfortable with that makes him happy. It was fun to play games. We didn't play anything that took too long or had complicated rules. I can deal with games like that. I just can't spend hours and hours learning the rules and playing some long drawn out saga type game....not my thing. So that was fun.
And then on the way home, we drove to Hot Springs and stopped there for the night. We stayed at the Hotel Arlington, one of the historic hotels that still has hot mineral water piped into the rooms. We got in a little after 5 so we were able to walk around and see a few sights, get some dinner, swim in the pool of our hotel (spring fed,not chlorine! nice!) and enjoy ourselves a bit before we drove home the next day. The dogs were happy to see us but Sunny was a little pouty for a while. She snuggled and slept with us all night, though. I think I slept almost 12 hours last night.
I feel like I was able to give to my various family in various love languages that they speak and understand and appreciate--games with brother in law, cooking together with H and dad/G, cookies and lemon bars and fudge to my mom, quality time and shared experiences with my cousin Weez...food and drinks and togetherness. Listening to my dad when he wanted to tell stories about work and life. That was all really, really good.
I'm glad and grateful for my job that gives me both enough money to travel with and the free time to do so (without any guilt trips or hassles from management--the state was bad about that) I'm glad and SO Grateful that Thax and I travel so well together. We are a good team. I got a little frazzled towards the end; there was a lot of emotion in seeing mom and in helping my sister H. sort out K/mom's art room and the family photos piled up in there. H lives closest so, after our stepdad G. on the front line, she is bearing the brunt of things there. G. is retiring end of August and bringing mom home from the care facility to live at home. Their life is going to be very simple, of necessity due to Mom's health and abilities. I hope it all works out. Mom and G's house is big and there's a lot of stairs. They'll be living downstairs in the house but there is no way in or out of that house that doesn't involve stairs and the laundry stuff is in the basement. more stairs. He's having railings installed on the front and back stairs outside but there's not much to do about the shitty basement stairs. I'd be happier if they were in a single level home with no stairs at all.
speaking of stairs, all the stairs in Eureka Springs and Indiana and Hot Springs were good for me.My knee and ankle are complainy in the morning but the movement was good for them and strengthened them. Seeing my mom so weak after her hip break made me really want to work on being stronger.
Sadly, I don't remember the last time I talked, for real, with Mom. (to be honest, I often dreaded it. I didn't want to hear what I'd done wrong or how I'd fucked up, after the fact) And now that can't happen ever again, for good or ill. She's not herself anymore, she smiles alot and just repeats what you say to her mostly. Some spontaneous words but not many. In a way she's easier and more delightful to deal with now that she's not stubborn, wilful, spiteful, judgemental, intolerant, and impatient....but she's not really Mom without those qualities. And of course she's not able to read, write, type, draw, or create her art anymore so that's a huge loss. I don't want to say or imply that my mom is 100% a terrible person or anything....it's complicated.She is a magnificent being, bigger than life in a lot of ways, amazingly creative and talented, adventur5ous, fearless, fantastically intelligent, hugely damaged. Selfish. Narcissistic. Self centered. Manipulative. I don't think she ever made a choice in life that wasn't about her and what she wanted to do...and if she felt like she had to do something that she didn't actually want to do or like doing, she'd do victim/martyr/ passive agressive punishments for 'making' her do things she didn't want to do. I see a lot of that in myself and I fairly well loathe those tendencies. I recognize where they come from but it's still a huge step from realizing 1) my upbringing fucked me up and taught me shitty ways to behave 2) I don't want to be that or do that to 3) fixing my shit
Two recent-ish revelations in that vein re: mom. 1) she did parental alienation on me and my father's relationship. She manipulated him and me both. It's not fixable. It has to be forgiven because I can't be bitter about that, even if it hurts when I think about it too much. I just have to accept it and let it go. Ho'opono. and 2) the daughter she wanted or should have had is someone more like my SIL Skye_ds. Mom and her have more in common than mom and I (too much like my father) A lot of the gifts my mom sent me over the years were things that would have been more suited and more delightful to Skye than to me (purple, witchy, horsey, jewelry meant for smaller wrists and fingers than mine, shoes meant for smaller feet than mine--Skye's). So...another piece of that unpleasant and problematic relationship...on some level recognizing that Skye is the daughter my mother wanted, not me. (Obviously I'm talking about the good parts of Skye's personality, not her abusive and damaged parts) ..the horse stuff, the witchy stuff, the independent and entrepreneurial stuff...not the mean bitchy stuff.
I wanted to tell mom I love her and ask her to forgive me for not being the daughter she wanted, and tell her that I forgive her too...but I teared up and could not get it out. I did say I love you....but not the rest. And that sucks.
anyhoo...it was a good trip. I got brittle and easily freaked out towards the end and slid into 'all I do is make mistakes, nothing I do is right' mode ...and it's so frustrating to watch myself crawling further and further up my own ass and yet be seemingly unable to stop myself from continuing along those lines. Thax doesn't know what to do with me when I get like that either...it's really a no win situation. No matter what he does or says it just increases my disgust and loathing of myself in that moment. Oh, wait, I didn't take that triple reuptake inhibitor while I was out of town because it requires refrigeration. So I guess if nothing else this shows me that the stuff works. So, back on it.
also I am up to 250 lbs. whee.
OH! and while we were traveling, Thax got a call with a job offer, so his new job starts Monday the 17th. He had at least 4 weeks of severance/pto pay out from his job that ended 6/30 so no paychecks missed during his short stint of being unemployed. Woot!
