Quora: How does the scapegoat stop being jealous of the golden child, because the golden child gets

How does the scapegoat stop being jealous of the golden child, because the golden child gets everything the scapegoat wanted, but he can't get it because of emotional neglect?

 

Accept it. This is easier said than done, I know, and I’m so sorry.

When you come from a toxic family where one kid is perfect and the other kid can’t do anything right, when you come from a family where you are bullied and if you fight back you are the one ‘starting fights’ or ‘causing trouble’ or ‘embarrassing the family’…. all you can do is withdraw from that situation and choose low or no contact once you are an adult, and accept what happened.

It’s not a reflection of you, your value as a person, your worth, your accomplishments, or anything to do with you. It is a dysfunctional, sick and possibly evil person trying to use their children as sick little sock puppets in their weird internal psychodrama.

It is not easy. You will break your own heart a million times trying to get the love and acceptance you wanted and needed--and deserved! as a child from people who are absolutely incapable of giving it.

Accept it. The narcissist (abuser) is not going to change or apologize. The golden child has their own issues that they may never be aware of or heal from. You were a child when this happened, and you had no control over it. The Golden Child was a child when this happened, too, and they did not control the situation either. They did not pick their role even if it seemed they were benefiting from it. As adults, they may continue to play that role in order to get things from the narcissist parent.  I hope you will eventually see that for the unhealthy relationship it is.

You can’t go back in time and change the situation you suffered growing up. Accept that the person who can change and heal is YOU. The lost and lonely child, that ‘fuck up’ that ‘useless’ that ‘clumsy’ that… fill in the blank, whatever awful thing your family of origin said about you….is  not the person that you ARE or WERE.

Comfort that inner child by reassuring him or her that you are safe now, you are able to choose healthy people to be in your life--you are loved, you are loveable, you are good, you are safe. As an adult, you are able to give everything to yourself that you needed, deserved and did not receive when you were small.

Once you are in a more healed place, you may be able to have a new relationship with the Golden Child, where you are both adults and not competing for the toxic attention of a sick parent who did not really love either of you. I hope that can happen.

Acceptance is the first step. I’m sorry this happened to you. Be well. <3

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