Quora: Why does a narcissist mother, allow herself to obey her narcissist son, to abuse her scapegoa

Why does a narcissist mother, allow herself to obey her narcissist son, to abuse her scapegoat daughter, while claiming to love her? She has become a puppet to him.

That’s a lot to unpack. Who are you in this situation?

 

I have spent years and years trying to figure out why the narcissist does this or that, trying to understand what is wrong with them in hopes that somehow understanding would lead to

a) control of the relationship dynamic

b) a way to win against the narc

c) a way to fix the situation

d) a way to fix the person

e) a way to fix the relationship (turn it into a mutually kind, loving, and beneficial situation)

And, in fact, all of my reading and research did NONE of those things for me.

What it did do, finally, is set me free from wanting those things or expecting those things to happen.

The most important question it finally led to was this:

Why did I allow myself to remain in a relationship that harmed me?

It absolutely does not matter why a toxic, abusive, terrible person does the toxic, abusive, terrible things they do. It absolutely does not matter why two toxic, abusive, terrible people become enmeshed in a sick codependent relationship that can only hold together for as long as the two of them are united in torturing, punishing, stalking, and harassing a mutual ‘enemy’ (you, the scapegoat, or whoever they pick next after ruining you)

Understanding the ‘why’ of it will not fix them and it will not fix the situation, it will not stop them from torturing and harrassing people while claiming that their abuse comes from a place of  'family,' ‘love’ or ‘concern’….sticking around to observe and analyze just keeps you stuck in a sick situation.

If you are the scapegoat in a toxic family, it is time to value yourself enough to set hard boundaries with your family of origin and limit or cease contact with them. It is time to heal yourself and find healthier relationships.

If you are observing this situation as a friend or family member of the scapegoat or the narcissists, I advise you to find something better to do with your time and energy, unless you are a paid professional who has been hired to somehow try and help these people. If you are then you should be conferring with other professional colleagues rather than looking to Quora for answers.

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an interesting Quora question

Trump said there would be big problems like never before if he were indicted, that (his) people would not sit still. Curious what trump supporters think he is suggesting by such a statement. What would his people do exactly?

My answer:

Trump is practicing what is called “Stochastic Terrorism (https://www.dictionary.com/browse/stochastic-terrorism)” —a rhetorical device whereby he is inciting his followers to commit unspecified atrocities on his behalf. He gets out of being held accountable because he has an ‘out’ —he just said ‘bad things’ would happen, he didn’t tell them exactly what to do. He said “Mike Pence disappointed us, Mike Pence betrayed all true Americans,” and his followers interpreted that as “hang Mike Pence”….and since he didn’t specifically tell them to kill Mike Pence he can shrug and say he was just expressing his feelings, not telling anyone to do anything bad to good old Mikey. Hell, Mikey isn't even mad about it! He still loves Big Daddy Don!

For whatever reason, there is no law enforcement agency in this nation or in the world (NATO, the Hague) that is willing to call it what it is and take action. I wonder if there were sane and decent people in Mussolini’s Italy, Hitler’s Germany, or present day Kim’s Korea, Putin’s Russia, or Xi’s China who, like me, saw what was happening in their nation and felt powerless to stop the rising tide of bloody authoritarianism.
There are some low level foot soldiers of the Jan 6 coup attempt who have seen consequences, but no one who was organizing, funding, or promulgating the insurrection has been touched by law enforcement. All they learned from that attempt was how to do it better next time.

The best hope we have is that people who followed and believed in Trump either died of Covid or are finally maybe seeing that there is no sane and decent future under the leadership of such a petty, stupid, morally and financially bankrupt person. Or perhaps the folks who got put in jail for Jan 6 and have received no help or pardon from Trump will decide to sit the next one out.

On the other hand, there are likely more fascists in law enforcement and the military than we care to recognize or admit. If Trump calls for violence again upon his arrest, if enough of those people are loyal to Trump,  we may be in for a second civil war. If people smarter than Trump manage to take the reins of the monstrous hateful beast Trump has created with the MAGAts and Q-nuts, we may be in for a bad time. The best most of us sane and decent folk can hope for is that they turn on each other and ruin the movement from within before they get their shit together enough to create a theocratic authoritarian regime on the ruins of what used to be the USA.