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Your question reminds me of when bigots, racists and religious zealots get angry that their intolerance is not tolerated.
The people writing here are not sharing the stories of horrific abuse by people they loved, trusted, and gave the benefit of the doubt in order to shame, humiliate or ruin their abusers, they are doing it to validate their own experience by finding others who have had the same or similar experiences. Many of them were treated as if they were the crazy bad one for so long, they need the reality check they find in online communities of narcissistic abuse survivors.
They also write these things as a warning and possible help to others who are in abusive situations asking “Is this me? Am I the abuser? Am I the crazy one?” They are offering a lifeline and validation to others seeking help and answers.
If you see in that some shadow of persecution, or some hint that everyone is piling on some blameless victim, I suggest you examine your own patterns of thinking.
Abuse is horrific. Thats not what I am saying. I feel like the term is over used regularly online. I also think there is a spectrum. I am not denying anyones abuse story at all. I am sorry that is how it came across. A person can have a horrific abuse story that is completely valid (and also regardless if their partner is diagnosed with NPD). This is not to invalidate peoples abuse story - just to question why only the extremes are being considered. False selves can exist without extreme abuse also. I feel like some of the language and phrasing in your question is meant to shame me out of asking it
People coming out of relationships that ended badly may be quick to throw terms like ‘narcissist’ at an ex. Relationships that are volatile and unpleasant at the end may show people at their worst, which may end up looking like abusive or cluster B behavior, when the person is not always that way or the person has not consistently displayed these qualities through a whole relationship. And people in a state of upset may tend to display ‘all or nothing’ black and white thinking as you observed.
I think most people want to know ‘why’ when a relationship goes bad, and many of us are not always willing to admit our own flaws and faults when we are on the ‘outs’ with someone. It is easy to fling blame and negative labels on someone when we are angry and hurt. So, yes, I do think that putting labels and armchair psychological diagnosis is far too common when people really have no standing nor training to issue such a label or such a diagnosis.
However, if you do some reading on the subject, and you are willing to objectively analyze someone’s behavior over a period of time, in a multitude of situations, it does seem like you can see when a person displays Cluster B behavior. They may not tick all the boxes, but they tick enough to take a somewhat educated, though lay-person, guess that they may be a narcissist or have narcissist traits.
On the other hand, when reading Quora or any online forum where anyone can create an account, post content, and supply answers, keep this in mind: Free advice from strangers online is worth exactly what you paid for it.
Have a good day and thanks for the thoughtful reply.
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