Do people in the narcissist's harem and know about the other members not see how toxic the situation is?
Here’s how I think it works: Narc picks up Supply/Victim #1, gets them good and hooked-in, then starts to pick up additional ‘harem members’. Narc plays a form of emotional Russian Roulette with his/her harem: which one will be split all-bad today and face the narc’s total wrath? Which one will say something to disagree with Narc’s treatment of Victim #1 and get some spew on them in return for their troubles? Which one will be the next victim when the current victim has grovelled, begged, wept, and gifted suitably to make up for their offense and find their way back into Narc’s good graces?
In the situation I’m aware of, the Narc got Victim #2 by telling a ‘poor me’ story about how rotten, abusive, and horrible Supply/Victim #1 was. #1 was a cheater, there was an abortion that one of them wanted and the other did not, there were incidents of choking and threatening with knives, and bla bla bla. Supply/Victim #2 showed up to take Narcy away from all of that misery, to defend Narcy against ‘the abuser’ and make a better life with dear Narcy. Turns out Narcy wasn’t ready to leave. Narcy needed Victim #1’s paycheck and health insurance and the roof over their heads. So somehow Victim #2 ended up moving in with them. Narcy played them against each other, one day #1 was the one who hung the stars and moon and #2 was the evil villain, and then the next day #1 was the abuser and #2 was the best thing since sliced white bread. They were fed with lies about one another behind one another’s backs so they never thought to consult between themselves and figure out the truth of the situation. If #1 thought to have any sympathy or a kind word for #2, Narcy would stir up another shitstorm to make them distrust one another.
Just for fun, Narc sometimes adds additional harem members to juggle around with everyone taking their turn in the pickle barrel for shooting, while the rest scramble to stay safe and on the right side of the Narc. Eventually #2 got their own place and got their head on straight and left the situation. But in the meantime, Narc had picked up #3 to take #2's place, with a good sad story about how #2 had betrayed and abused the Narc. All of this going on at home, in addition to the narc smearing one or all of the harem members on their social media, having online affairs, and occasionally going out to date and court other potential victims in real life.
Through it all, the victim receiving the abuse seems to believe they deserve the abuse, and the second, third, etc. victims observing the abuse seems to agree that Narcy is justified in dishing out the punishments. All of the harem members just want to do their best to appease and please Narcy so that they aren’t the one taking the turn in the dog house, being ‘split’ as ‘all bad’[2]
There is so much drama and nonsense constantly spinning, so much BS hitting the proverbial fan at any given moment in the Narcissist’s “Great and Wonderful ME!” show that the harem members don’t ever have a chance to sit and breathe and gather their thoughts, let alone see the situation clearly for what it is.
The only rest or respite these poor souls may receive are when they are all united together to attack someone on behalf of their Beloved Narcy, or defend Lovely Narcopath against some cruel outsider who has dared to question Narcy, disagree with Narcy, or tell him/her the dreaded word NO. The Harem lives for these moments of battle, to be united in a way that pits them and their Narc on the same team against the evil old world. It’s an addictive high to be Narcy’s Champion White Knight in Shining Armor.
The other time they may catch a break is when Narcy is off shacking up with supply #3, 4, 5, 6, etc. If Narcy is off courting a new supply, then they are away from their own fucked-up homestead, spending long nights out wowing, wining, and dining their new shiny toy, performing sex acts that would make a goat vomit in disgust, and generally being the answer to New Supply’s every perverted fantasy.
At some point, you’d think they’d figure it out, but Narcy is much like a cult leader in that even when s/he isn’t physically present, s/he manages to make sure that everyone’s attention and energy is still focused on them. And none of the harem members like or trust one another enough to stage a ‘coup’ or make an escape while Narc is away on ‘business,’ they are too busy sneaking and spying on one another for things to tattle on each other to Narcy about, in hopes of being able to be the one who avoids punishment when Narcy plays spin the wheel again to decide who to punish for their own crappy choices and unhappiness in life.
It sucks if you care about someone who is in a Narcissist’s harem, but there’s really nothing you can do. If you stick around long enough, you’ll live to see your former friend or family member go ‘dead’ behind the eyes, and maybe even attack you on behalf of their darling Narcissist beloved, because you dared to see through the shabby fake mess to discern what was really going on backstage at the circus tent.
Footnotes
========================
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
