Thanks for your comment. I agree that a lot of coping mechanisms we use to deal with narcissists can certainly be interpreted, twisted up, and used against us by narcissists/abusers as ‘proof’ that we are the bad ones. You call ending a toxic relationship with no explanation a ‘discard’ and it could certainly be interpreted that way by people who don’t know the situation or the people involved.
Another example: I call it ‘no contact,’ an abuser calls it ‘the silent treatment’ and uses it as part of their smear campaign to their flying monkey squad.
Fine. Part of disentangling from toxic people is that you absolutely MUST, for your own sanity and peace of mind, give up trying to please them and their troops of enablers. You MUST stop caring what these toxic people and their gang of nitwits thinks of you. Otherwise that’s a hook that the abuser can yank any time and make you jump to their bidding.
I don’t find ultimatums to be a respectful form of communication between functioning adults. “Do what I want or our relationship is over” is unkind and destructive, in my opinion. Relationships are about expressing your needs and feelings and having the other person feel free to express theirs, as well. Often, we must compromise in order to keep a relationship we value. Ultimatums give no room for discussion or compromise.
With toxic people, it eventually becomes apparent that your needs and feelings do not matter to the toxic person. Expressing that their words and behavior are harmful, hurtful, or offensive does not cause them to regret the harm, change their behavior or stop saying the harmful thing.
I am not saying that it’s OK to leave a relationship the first time a person behaves in a thoughtless or hurtful way. I am saying that once you have established to yourself that a person’s pattern of behavior is not beneficial, and that they don't seem to have any regard for the harm they are doing to you and the relationship, you may exit the relationship with as much or as little explanation as you, personally, feel comfortable with.
You don’t owe the toxic person anything but if your own peace of mind and self-esteem demands that you be the kind of person who says “goodbye and here’s why,” then you do that. I just caution that you don’t let that become an avenue of further exploitation by the toxic person.
I also advise that you do not issue ‘goodbye forever’ speeches in the hope or expectation that the person who is behaving abusively will suddenly become the person you need them to be…because, in my opinion, that is manipulative BS. When you decide to end a relationship, you must mean it, and you must commit to it fully. A narcissist’s discard is a manipulation—they will accept a grovelling crying apologizing slave back into their graces if the slave proves that they are sorry enough. A sane person ending a toxic association is an act of self-preservation. The Silent treatment is a manipulation. They will give the silent treatment until their target has apologized, cried, begged, and sent enough gifts to prove they are once again a worthy slave to the narcissist. No Contact is a sane person’s act of self-protection.
These may look like similar behaviors from the outside, but the difference is the intent of the behavior, and the long term desired outcome. It is crucial that you have a strong sense of self respect and a clear understanding of why you are choosing to end a relationship, and a commitment to have that TRULY be the end of the relationship. Otherwise, yes, you may be playing narcissist-type mind games yourself, and that is not the best way to keep your self respect in the long run.
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