Quora: Should I deal with an ex-narcissistic by gaslight ING stonewalling? Should I mirror him when

Should I deal with an ex-narcissistic by gaslight ING stonewalling? Should I mirror him when I have to collect my son?

 What’s that saying I keep seeing? Oh, yeah: “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes”

What exactly would you be hoping to ‘win’ by behaving like a narcissist (A-hole)? Would you be proud of yourself? Would you want your son to see you acting like that and think it’s a good way to behave? Do you trust that the narc will be able to deal calmly and kindly with your child after you have engaged in power struggle and conflict, or is it more likely that the narc will take out their frustration on your kid once your back is turned?

At some point you must give up ideas about control of the narcissist and only take responsibility and control of yourself. At the end of the day, you are the person you have to look in the eye and see a person you are proud to be. And, again at some point, your child is going to look at his parents and see what kind of people they were, and what kind of person he wants to be. Modeling appropriate behavior is one of the great responsibilities of being a parent.

The Narc can be so frustrating and irritating. It’s totally OK to let your kid know that the games the narc plays are upsetting to you. But it’s also important to let your kid know that the adults’ behavior and feelings are not his responsibility and that you love him and want him to have a relationship with his dad regardless of how your relationship with the father may be going.

Keep things superficially cordial with the father of your child; say hello, be polite, keep the discussion to facts and information. Something like “Thank you for dropping Sonny off. Please remember that your next custody weekend is [date] , you can pick him up at [time/place]” If the narc is late, it’s certainly appropriate to calmly remind them that the agreement was X place, X time, and being half an hour late is not convenient. Don’t get into big fights or disagreements, if he tries to insist that you are wrong about anything, say “That’s not my understanding of the agreement,” or something that is an “I” statement, not accusing the narc of anything or being seen as ‘attacking’.

Remember that the narc is a sick person and that they don’t have the emotional maturity to keep their feelings about you from poisoning their relationship with their own child—if the narc can’t ‘get at’ you he may be ugly to your kid….and, really, in any divorce situation, even if the adults are mature and healthy about it, the kids already take the worst punishment for their parents’ mistake, so don’t make it worse for the child than it already is. Take the high road; I promise that it will be worth it in the long run

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