Quora: Do narcissist remember the evil names they have called you during arguments and do they ever

Do narcissist remember the evil names they have called you during arguments and do they ever feel remorse for it?

 


In my experience, the narc is very good at getting a reaction out of their target and also good at remembering how they got that reaction. So if the narc came at you with a long list of insults, say, ‘fat, greedy, slut’ and you only argued with the narc about one of those words, lets say you said “I have never been unfaithful to you, how dare you call me a slut!?” then the narc would know that ‘slut’ is a trigger word. They will know that is a button they can push to make you hurt and angry. In future abuse sessions, they’ll use the word again and watch you take the hit of what that word means to you. They will abuse you with that term for as long as you show them it hurts you. If you get to a point where you don’t respond anymore to ‘slut,’ they will try something else.

If they are confronted at a later time with their actions, they may certainly claim “I don’t remember calling you that,”…it does seem at times that the abuser falls into some sort of demonic trance where they are just out of control and vile words are spewing out, things you’d never expect anyone to say…indeed, they may ‘dissociate’ during their abusive rage-fits, and they genuinely may not remember everything they said or did, but how does that justify you being mistreated in that way? How does their memory lapse make the behavior OK? Saying “I don’t remember,” whether they do or not, is a pretty easy ‘out’ for them to take and try and get out of responsibility for their behavior.

On the other hand, a show of remorse or regret is part of the abuse cycle, part of the way they keep you hooked in to their “Great and Wonderful ME! Show” but please realize that it’s just an act to keep your focus on them, and to keep your time, energy, and resources flowing from you to them. They feel justified in calling you names, they feel contempt when you fall for their ‘remorse’ act. And you can believe that whatever horrible names they call you in the middle of their abuse cycle, they are saying as bad or worse things about you to their friends aka “flying monkeys” so please don’t wait around for an empty apology or a non-existent change in behavior.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

 

Quora How do I know if I am a narcissist, being called narcissistic by a narcissist?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder has a particular set of traits or characteristics that psychological professionals use to diagnose people with a mental illness.

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
• Exploitation of others
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
• Arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes

It is fairly common in relationships that are having difficulties, or breaking up, for one partner to call the other a ‘narcissist’—since most of us are not psychological professionals, that is not a diagnosis! What most regular people seem to mean when they call someone a narcissist is that they think that the person is selfish, uncaring, self-involved, rude, and vain. These can certainly be personality disorder traits, but I would say in general that someone who is not a mental health professional does not have the tools or expertise to differentiate between a person who is behaving badly during a time of interpersonal conflict and a person who has a psychological disorder (characterized by a pattern of behavior over time).

If you believe that you are being called narcissistic by a narcissist, I’d go ahead and unpack that in the following way:

1. the person calling you a narcissist may or may not be a narcissist. Have they been diagnosed, or treated for that mental illness? If not, then perhaps they are just behaving badly. There is no justification to tolerate people behaving abusively, you can and should remove yourself from that situation.
2. The person calling you a narcissist may or may not be a narcissist. One of the things narcissists do is called “projection” where they accuse other people of the negative behavior they themselves are perpetrating. “I didn’t eat the cookie, YOU ate the cookie!” the toddler yells, with hands and face covered in cookie crumbs. If you don’t allow yourself to fall into a power struggle of defending yourself and trying to prove who ate the cookie, you will be able to see the situation more clearly, and possibly find humor in the absurdity of it. Please allow the wave of laughter to carry you away from this ridiculous person.
3. You may be a narcissist. The fact that you care what someone thinks of you and the idea of being seen as a narcissist distresses you, is a good sign that you are probably not the narcissist in this situation. If you have the ability to self-examine and find flaws in your own behavior or admit your mistakes, you are probably not the narc.

 

Regardless, I think the most important thing in your situation is to stop and think about whether or not you want to continue to give time, energy, and consideration to a person who is calling you these kinds of names. Good luck!

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.