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I wish I was better with 2nd chances, both giving and receiving of them... but I usually just put up with whatever unpleasantness until it finally scrapes my last nerve raw, then *kaboom*, everything is all over with, forever. I don't necessarily like that about myself.
A lot of times it seems people are genuinely surprised and shocked when I finally lose my shit. It's like they've been standing on my toes for 10 years and I finally yell "HEY GET OFF MY TOES!"...so, really, my fault for not recognizing that I'm being violated as soon as it happens the first time and enforcing the boundary politely and calmly the very first time it's violated.
Instead, I let things slide too far and by the time I finally do say something, I'm too angry and in pain to create a situation where we can talk things thru and come to an understanding. it's like...10 years of stomping on me is enough, fuck off. And they may not have realized that they were stomping, they may not have realized I was not OK with stomping, hell, they might have even thought I liked the stomping. So it's not entirely other peoples' fault when this kind of thing eventually goes down.
in more specific examples,
J Law and I had a disagreement in college over something dumb that I don't even remember. We didn't speak until, like, a year later, we both signed up for the same fitness class, and since we were pretty much the only women in the class, and at a similar fitness level, we got partnered up, and eventually started talking again and have maintained our friendship ever since.
there's X. She and I had a falling-out when we were teenagers that we eventually got over (after awhile of not speaking)...but then when we were 34, there was a huge falling out, which left me emotionally devastated and still riddled with bugaboos. So maybe we should have just left it at the verbal/physical slap match at age 17 and not gotten back together after that.
There's my ex. I let things slide with him for a long time, but eventually when he was rude to my stepdad, that was enough, and there were no more second/third/300th chances. OTOH, he did not ever care when I told him what was wrong, what I needed, what I wanted him to do, why I was upset with him, etc. so there was never a situation with him where I said "you did this and it offended me" and he said "Oh, I was not intending to offend you," and we tried again...It was just like I got tired of speaking to a brick wall. All the 2nd chances were internal and he didn't give a shit.
There's my stepbrother, sineater, who takes offense to something I say or do, lets me have it and then gives me the silent treatment until something happens to put us in the same place at the same time. We can manage politeness but I don't think there will ever be more to it than that. He doesn't want to listen to me and apparently I don't want to listen to him, either (mostly because I don't really care to hear what an awful person I am and how everything is all my fault)...so that'll never get fixed. But I'd still be willing to try, if he ever was.
There's my brother A, who at The Rubber Pig's urging/brainwashing, disowned the entire family. Kicked me out of his life with a nasty phone answering machine message that said a bunch of ugly things and bla bla. I doubt we'd have reconciled if he'd stayed with her; but him being locked away from her, and me only able to write to him at first...I was able to write everything out, and he was able to write back and now we are pretty solid.
For me, I guess family gets infinite chances, and they can beat me up as much as they want and I'll come crawling back for more abuse as soon as they indicate that they're willing to speak to me again, and I'm not allowed to have preferences or opinions that are different than theirs, because if I do, then I'm a bad person, and I get beat up and excluded again.
Friends I can be more discriminating, and in general, once I kick a friend to the curb, or a friend kicks me to the curb, that's pretty much it, with the exception of J-Law.
I guess the important thing with J Law is that we actually TALKED, and demonstrated to each other that we were willing to try harder and do better and grow the hell up. So if that could happen with me and anyone, it could probably end up as a 2nd chance. But if all someone wants is the gravy train, a punching bag, a wallet, or an emotional dump heap, I can only deal with that for so long, and then I don't allow it anymore.
A lot of times it seems people are genuinely surprised and shocked when I finally lose my shit. It's like they've been standing on my toes for 10 years and I finally yell "HEY GET OFF MY TOES!"...so, really, my fault for not recognizing that I'm being violated as soon as it happens the first time and enforcing the boundary politely and calmly the very first time it's violated.
Instead, I let things slide too far and by the time I finally do say something, I'm too angry and in pain to create a situation where we can talk things thru and come to an understanding. it's like...10 years of stomping on me is enough, fuck off. And they may not have realized that they were stomping, they may not have realized I was not OK with stomping, hell, they might have even thought I liked the stomping. So it's not entirely other peoples' fault when this kind of thing eventually goes down.
in more specific examples,
J Law and I had a disagreement in college over something dumb that I don't even remember. We didn't speak until, like, a year later, we both signed up for the same fitness class, and since we were pretty much the only women in the class, and at a similar fitness level, we got partnered up, and eventually started talking again and have maintained our friendship ever since.
there's X. She and I had a falling-out when we were teenagers that we eventually got over (after awhile of not speaking)...but then when we were 34, there was a huge falling out, which left me emotionally devastated and still riddled with bugaboos. So maybe we should have just left it at the verbal/physical slap match at age 17 and not gotten back together after that.
There's my ex. I let things slide with him for a long time, but eventually when he was rude to my stepdad, that was enough, and there were no more second/third/300th chances. OTOH, he did not ever care when I told him what was wrong, what I needed, what I wanted him to do, why I was upset with him, etc. so there was never a situation with him where I said "you did this and it offended me" and he said "Oh, I was not intending to offend you," and we tried again...It was just like I got tired of speaking to a brick wall. All the 2nd chances were internal and he didn't give a shit.
There's my stepbrother, sineater, who takes offense to something I say or do, lets me have it and then gives me the silent treatment until something happens to put us in the same place at the same time. We can manage politeness but I don't think there will ever be more to it than that. He doesn't want to listen to me and apparently I don't want to listen to him, either (mostly because I don't really care to hear what an awful person I am and how everything is all my fault)...so that'll never get fixed. But I'd still be willing to try, if he ever was.
There's my brother A, who at The Rubber Pig's urging/brainwashing, disowned the entire family. Kicked me out of his life with a nasty phone answering machine message that said a bunch of ugly things and bla bla. I doubt we'd have reconciled if he'd stayed with her; but him being locked away from her, and me only able to write to him at first...I was able to write everything out, and he was able to write back and now we are pretty solid.
For me, I guess family gets infinite chances, and they can beat me up as much as they want and I'll come crawling back for more abuse as soon as they indicate that they're willing to speak to me again, and I'm not allowed to have preferences or opinions that are different than theirs, because if I do, then I'm a bad person, and I get beat up and excluded again.
Friends I can be more discriminating, and in general, once I kick a friend to the curb, or a friend kicks me to the curb, that's pretty much it, with the exception of J-Law.
I guess the important thing with J Law is that we actually TALKED, and demonstrated to each other that we were willing to try harder and do better and grow the hell up. So if that could happen with me and anyone, it could probably end up as a 2nd chance. But if all someone wants is the gravy train, a punching bag, a wallet, or an emotional dump heap, I can only deal with that for so long, and then I don't allow it anymore.
