Just do the quiz already.

Interestingly enough, it appears my last relationship was rather abusive. Who knew? I am loath to claim the status of 'victim' and use it as an excuse to treat people badly, avoid keeping my word, and other such behavior that seems rampant among the people who seem to be the most vocal about their issues. I certainly think there are lots of people who go around screaming "I'm a victim, look at me!" and really...just AREN'T. They are just not willing to take responsibility for their own choices & actions & behavior, and get surprised and offended when their bad behavior doesn't win them friends or get them what they want.

But...damn, I took the quiz and you could have knocked me over with a feather.

I don't think I was his tool or his puppet nor was I a blameless saint. I got things from him in return for the way I allowed him to treat me. I felt like I needed him. Like I was so flawed that the relationship with him was the best I could possibly hope to have in my lifetime. I remember saying or writing something in...2002 or so, "If I leave him, I'll just find another exactly like him." (and, generally, that's true. We pink monkeys like our patterns.)

I don't think he did it on purpose. I just think he was an unhealthy, unhappy person who took it out on me.

And because I 'loved' him, and because it was small things that built over time to larger ones, neither of us realized it was as bad as it was.

There are no monsters here, no blameless victims in need of rescue. Only humans making choices that perhaps do not serve them best in the long run.

If you are abusing or abused, get help. I am sorry I have been so judgemental about these things in the past. It was/is not my call to make.

http://www.thingsarelookinup.com/Abuse/test.shtml

My results:( Read more... )

& here's what I've done:

Joined some groups when I realized I was becoming isolated. No Kidding!, CMA, PACT, the Austin Poly Group, Renfaire groups. Met some people, made some friends.

Developed my own interests: took classes at ACC and UT Informal classes. Went to theatre and dance performances that I enjoyed. Went to faire.

Took some classes at the Human Potential Center (Assertiveness FTW!)

Went to a Therapist, who pissed me off enough that I quit her but didn't forget what she told me.

Read some books.

Read some more books.

Signed up for a class called "When Your Relationship Ends" that pissed me off so much I quit, but kept the book and read it cover-to-cover more than once.

Went to several workshops at the Austin NLP center.

Talked to friends.

Cried on friends.

Cried.

Talked to God/dess.

Talked to my family.

Listened.

Cried some more.

Wrote in LJ...god, a lot. (I'm sorry and thank you.)

Started creating boundaries that ended up losing me some friends & loved ones. I'm sorry for the loss, and I still love and care about those people, but I will continue to make choices I feel are healthiest for my own mental health and well-being. I won't stand by and nod and smile while someone I care about abuses substances, their kids, their spouse, and/or themselves. I have no control over your behavior, all I can do is tell you I'm leaving, and why (if you ask)...

Basically: Grew up some.

And...I'm getting better, every day. In better relationships. Trying to be kind and patient with others and myself. Sometimes failing. But determined to be as happy as I've made up my mind to be. And nobody's EVER going to treat me like that again. I don't care who they are or how much time we've spent together. I owe the past nothing.