1347 deleted from LiveJournal

Apr. 6, 2003

 

 

Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
12:27 pm Damage control
I gave my stepbrother a heads-up just in case X tries to run a smear
campaign on me with him and his wife. I don't think X would be dumb
enough to go telling my parents, aunt & uncle that I'm a satanic
pervert who hangs out with baby killers, or whatever spin she puts on
my associating with the polys & pagans & childfree folks. She may try
and mess up my friendships in the poly group, since I introduced
her 'round there...but the CF people will just laugh in her face, and
to be honest the very few Pagans I know would probably say 'E WHO?'
if she started telling them what a bad person I am.

I am less worried about X, as manipulative and nasty as she can be,
than I am about her husband, because he is in genuine pain and
misery, and is not apparently in his right mind. For X this is a game
and a 'drama' she can be the star of. For her husband this is his
life falling apart and people he loved suddenly stabbing him in the
back.


7:47 am The well done run dry...
On a re-read of the crazy note from X's hub, he says stuff about 'my
terms' bla bla, which I now remember he also said when he called
later that evening, something like "this is going to end on my terms;
you have until tonight to come say goodbye to my children"

So, apparently he is feeling pretty powerless & out of control of his
life & the people around him. I feel reallly sorry for the kids, but
I won't put myself in that position--me in their house, surrounded by
lies and hate. Better for the kids not to have a big scene. Better
for them to just go on with their lives and whatever good memories
they may have of AuntE.

It seems so wrong to me that they are the ones who LOVE their
children and I am the one who supposedly 'HATES' children, and they
are the ones using the kids as bait/pawns in their sick little
scenario. Without any regard to how much this will hurt and scare
those babies. I love those kids. I will NEVER ever forgive X & hub
for dragging the kids in to this and using my love for them against
me like that.

I will be very torn when they start missing the E gravy train and try
to make nice so I'll make with the presents, trips, etc again. I love
those kids, but I will not accept abuse just to be with them.

With time & discussion, I would have gotten over being mad at X for
asking me to lie. But using the kids against me is unforgivable. And
monstrous. And just plain fuckin' evil.

Oh, wait. No. I'm the evil one. I forgot...

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003

9:03 pm agoraphobia again

Wow...so. I made the attempt to go to poly dinner. It occurred to me
that X knows where I'll be and kinda-sorta-when. I started getting
paranoid, looking in my rearview for their car, parked under a light
in the parking lot, looked around some more. My heart was pounding,
my face felt hot, I thought I was going to faint. But I went inside.
Looked around. Didn't see anyone I recognized. Thought about getting
a sandwich and then taking another stroll thru the crowd...and then I
just panicked and had to go home. I could not deal with the idea of X
or hub confronting me in public, in front of the polys, or attacking
me in the parking lot, or any of the other nasty scenarios that ran
thru my head.

I haven't had it this bad for a couple of years now. I don't like it.

So....I'm sorry I missed poly dinner. It's just that with X's hub
delivering handwritten mail to my house and such, no telling where
he'll turn up next.

Got conflicting advice from 2 degreed psych. people about whether or
not to call the cops about the 'tell the children goodbye' bit. One
said that X and hub want me to call the cops, to add to my list of
sins & things they can be mad at me for, to make more drama, to play
up their pathology. The other said to call the cops just in case,
anyway. Both agree that as a former addict and codependent, hub is
far more likely to hurt himself than me or his kids.

I will miss the kids...but what the fuck. I'm glad it's over and
hoping it's really REALLY over so I don't have to run around looking
over my shoulder all the time.

Current Mood: scared


5:56 pm curiouser & curiouser...

So...I get home from work 'round 4:50 ish, Sweetie & I
start some dishes in the dishwasher, I go to check my
home email, and X's husband comes knocking at the
door. Sweetie answers, and brings me a very odd note in a
used envelope. It's from the hub, very rambling & full of
self-hate, and stuff about how I'm going to turn out
awful and rotten and hateful just like him if I don't
watch out and how I am jealous and mentally ill and
depressed....and why haven't I answered his questions!?!?

WTF?!?!?! WHAT QUESTIONS!???

So I call my relative in mental health care who had called a week or
so ago to get X's hubs phone #'s and leave a message on their
machine to the effect of should I be alarmed, do I need to worry that
hub's going to hurt himself or me, silly things like that.

About a half hour after that, the phone rings, it's
X's hub. He wants to talk to Sweetie. Tells Sweetie this has
nothing to do with Sweetie, he likes Sweetie just fine, bla
bla, then he wants to talk to me. Delivers this fine
ultimatum: I have until tonight to say goodbye to his
children. and hangs up.

...because he's going to kill them, or because I'm
never going to see them again because I'm so evil? I
have no idea.

4:00 pm

Nope

X decided she didn't need her birthday present after all. As a matter
of fact, she has been resenting me for various things for the longest
time and finally just let me have ALL of it. I'm very hurt, of
course, but mostly relieved. AT LAST! I know what the FUCK has been
wrong with her (between us?) for the last year+!!! Would have been
nice if she'd brought any of these problems to my attention back when
I could have done something about 'em. But, oh well. Relief. I
finally got the clue by four!

So now I'm stuck with a half-paid-for weekend for 2 women in
Wimberley. I'll ask around at Poly dinner & see if anybody can make
weekend plans at such a late date.


2:17 pm Among many other things...

X's hub told me I should be the one not to go to the Great Escape
Weekend, since it was HER birthday present (from me!) after all.

After some thought, I agree.

I sent her the info and told her she and my replacement will have to
pay the balance when they get there.

So...now I have a free weekend and a free Friday off! silver linings,
bla bla.

12:03 pm Well, that's 20+ minutes of my life I'm never gettin' back.

I got an ugly email from X's hubby in response to my quickie 'I'll
call you at lunchtime'. I was really not looking forward to the call,
but I said I would, so I did.

He was pissed at me for taking X to Poly dinner(once).

From far left field, he had me to know he was pissed at me
for 'hating children' and writing something about my goddessdaughter
in my diaryland diary that was "totally wrong". (boy, I'm glad I
didn't write about her dirty feet, booger eating and lack of table
manners during her b-day weekend, that would have sent him right over
the edge)

He says I am becoming very bitter and hateful & angry and pushing
away the people who love me. (WTF?)

He said I should have given X the 'tickets' to the great escape
weekend and let her take someone else,'since it was her birthday
present and all'.

And some other crap. I don't even remember it all.

Lots easier for them to present a united front and be mad at me
instead of taking care of their marriage problems.

I am so done with those two. I don't know how/if I am going to
maintain ties with my goddaughter & their other kids, but I
know I am done with them.

You can stand there and take swings at me all you want, I don't have
to stand there and let the hits connect...

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: 101X Flashback Lunch

11:10 am I need wading boots for this...

Now X has sicced her husband on me, who tells me I'm a bad friend
because a REAL friend would do ANYTHING a friend asked, no questions
asked, that I should have come to him with any concerns about what he
knew or didn't know about X's plans, bla bla, I suck, I am a bad
friend, I don't care, I have an attitude problem, "in OUR family we
COMMUNICATE", bla bla bla.

Well...'kay then. I suck and I'm a bad friend. Off to my cave. Or,
better yet, to my ivory tower, with my stiff-necked, judgemental,
dogmatic, self righteous, holier than thou, unworthy-of-real-
friendship self.

How about this little thought, just to counterbalance that raft o'
crap? A REAL FRIEND WOULD NOT ASK A FRIEND TO COMPROMISE HER ETHICS
AND HURT ANOTHER FRIEND!! EVER!!

Current Mood: angry


9:05 am some perspective

I got some good advice from a quite unexpected source, and I'm better
today. I am not losing, or giving up, or throwing away this friend &
our years of friendship.

I am temporarily removing myself until X gets her shit together. If
she wants to keep playing games and hurting people and lying and
cheating, I cannot be part of her life while she behaves that way.

So, I'm just going to give her space to fix herself and her damaged
marriage.

I'll still be here whenever/if that happens.

Current Mood: hopeful