Aug. 26th, 2002

EJ 8/26/02

Aug. 26th, 2002 10:28 am
evile: (clutter)
 
 

823Horoscopes, the weekend, etc.

 
  • Aug. 26, 2002
     
    Taurus
    Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
    Things maybe happening a bit too fast and furious today for you to
    digest everything that's going on around you, dear Taurus. Don't get
    too anxious about this frenzy of activity. Much of it is just talk
    and hype. Only concern yourself with the most genuine matters and
    core issues. Feel free to take as much time as you need in coming up
    with the solution to an issue at hand. Don't rush the river. Wait for
    the boat to come to you.


    Gemini
    Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
    Take advantage of the fast-paced energy of the day, dear Gemini, and
    do something new and revolutionary. Your thoughts are buzzing with
    activity and you are focused on the bizarre and outlandish aspects of
    every situation. New faces may be cropping up at this time, as well
    as old acquaintances that you haven't heard from in years. Nurture
    these relationships and let your unconventional nature run free. Take
    a long walk with someone this evening.
    ===================================================
    My diaryland entry for today, with additions/etc.

    It's Monday, and I'm sunburned and tired, but very well-rested and
    mellow. The coworkers can't scratch my little bubble of harmony today.

    Coworker K is being a total douche; what else is new, right? But
    apparently some HO is calling and asking her to transfer here and
    there, and she is all pissed because HO should just be calling people
    direct instead of pestering her. No doubt she could just do it and
    get it over with, but no, she has to fuss and carry on. Do it quickly
    & quietly, I say, and then send a note to the guy's boss and tell the
    boss to straighten him out on who to call if he's not coming in. But
    no, that would lack drama. Fuuuuuck. But it isn't actually bothering
    me that much.

    I am well rested, I made my own coffee at home so don't have to
    tolerate coworker-made swill, and we're getting caught up, I think.
    Plus payday is coming up soon. So...nothing can break my stride, no
    one can harsh my mellow.

    (Okay I'm a wierdo--but sometimes it helps me to visualize things.
    Like when I'm having really bad allergies, I picture myself in a dust
    mask and sometimes that helps me feel better. Today I am in a
    slightly pink-tinted opalescent bubble full of happy satisfaction and
    the ugly-nasty people of the world can't touch me)

    Saturday, I cleaned house and then went on a picnic at the park with
    E, A, and J. They didn't know where they were going,
    so they wanted to caravan. I said cool, be at my house 'round 4:30.
    So they got there at 4:04, just as I'd gotten done cleaning up the
    carpet shampooer. I still needed a shower & stuff.

    But, I let 'em in, and E was all like "We're here, we're early"
    And I said "I'm not ready! I did say 4:30 right?" and he said "Oh,
    well, we'll just hang out and pester you". Me:"NO, I have to get a
    shower" E: "OK, we'll pester Tom." me: "Not a good idea--he's
    trying to get stuff done on his car" E: "sorry sorry" Me:"No
    biggie, just hang out a minute and I'll be ready". So I washed & put
    on my swimsuit, with a Tshirt and my jumper dress over.

    Then I packed the cooler with the marinated stuff, took my green
    rubbermaid box with utensils, mosquito coils,etc otu by myself (e 
    followed me and asked if he could help, but I'd already gotten the
    thing into the car) E & J helped me get the cooler out to the
    car, and off we went.

    I called Jen on the way there to talk dirt about SIL and their rude
    early-ness. A was wearing a black swimsuit with a littel skirt &
    white socks and paddock boots. I told Jen it was reminiscent of the
    ballet dancing hippoes in 'fantasia'. She is in a bad mood, since
    MoFo didn't hire her and she's waiting to hear from the smaller firm
    she interviewed with. :( And she wrote an appeal letter to the CA
    unemployment folks, but I don't think she's going to win her appeal.
    Not enough documentation to show she tried to resolve the problem
    before quitting.

    A had hurt her hip again, apparently doing something 'stupid'
    out with the horses Friday nite. I didn't ask what it was and she
    didn't elaborate. Probably one of those things where I needed to ask.
    But I wasn't interested, so I didn't.

    J actually said more than 'hi' and 'bye' this time around. Cool.
    He was very sweet to Nickie, and he did help pack up after dinner.
    That was nice. He seems like a basically good person. I feel sorry
    for him. As I told A, I just figure that if J is going to be
    a part of A's life, and if A is (sadly) going to continue
    to be part of E's life, I may as well try & cultivate a
    relationship. Personality issues aside (A's 'unfortunate' one
    and J's lack of one) there are enough common interests there to
    at least do stuff together occasionally without ugliness. Like
    Elysium, etc.

    So, the park was nice. I brought Nickie with us at the last minute.
    She's 14 this year, and pretty arthritic, but I think she liked the
    water. She even swam a bit, which is common for the breed, but not
    for her personally. She doesn't mind getting her feet wet,and will
    lay down in shallow water to cool off, but she's afraid of deep
    water. At one point, she was resting in some shallows near 'my'
    waterfall, and the people were all nearer to the fall where it gets
    deep, and then all of the sudden, she was swimming over, because she
    couldn't stand to be out of petting-distance. It was cool. She was
    pretty pathetic on Sunday, though, having a hard time getting around.
    I won't make her walk that much again any time soon. I think the
    water was good for her, though. I wish I could help her lose weight
    and get some more muscle tone in her back legs, but with the
    arthritis, I know it's hard for her to get around, period, let alone
    enough to improve her tone.

    Sunday, I went to Nude Yoga. Once again it was just me and Lonnie. We
    taped up the ragged edges of carpet with red duct tape to keep the
    vacuum from sucking up the raggedy bits. That was about an hour. I
    showed him some pilates exercises, and we did a lot of ab-
    strengthening stuff--I can really feel it today. I will have to
    remember those exercises and try them again soon. The final step in
    the exercises is like the lizards do on hot rocks--one foot and
    opposite forefoot off the ground at the same time, breathe, and
    switch hand/foot.

    Then back home, where Rio & her bunch met us and off we went to the
    Hot Sauce festival. The lines to taste the contest entries were very
    long. They had it divided up into 2 lines for red sauces, 1 line for
    green sauces, and 1 line for 'special variety'. We got in the special
    line and waited out in the hot sun for an hour or so. It was owie.
    Every once in a while, a few of us would go off for water or to hang
    out in the misting area before returning to our hot sunny line. Next
    year, they need to have the lines in the shade, OR put misting hoses
    above the line-waiting folks.

    After we suffered thru the specialty line, we didn't have the energy
    to stand in another one, so we got water ices and then wandered
    around tasting the vendors wares. I got some habanero jelly for
    later. I'm thinking it will be excellent with bagels & cream cheese
    (I know, not low-carb. But that's OK too)

    After the salsa-festivities, we stopped by Atomic City to browse.
    They were having an excellent shoe sale, with several in my size, but
    it's the end of the month & I'm poor. Mighty tempting to abuse the
    plastic, but once you've paid interest on a great "only $50!" pair of
    shoes for a few years, it wasn't such a great sale after all, ya
    know?

    Then our guests went back to San Antonio and I read & snoozed on the
    couch while Sweetie worked on one of his cars for a couple hours. We
    went to Chuy's for dinner & then it was bedtime.

    Great day. Great weekend. Next year, I'm taking an umbrella to the
    hot sauce festival; I don't care how wierd it looks. Another great
    thing about being 30, I find myself caring less and less what other
    people think of me. If I'm happy and comfortable, that's the
    important thing. Bonus if I look good, too, but that's not the key
    item anymore.

    Pozlife on Diaryland had a sad entry today. He's having a rough
    time. "No good deed goes unpunished"--he pawned his grandfather's
    ring and emptied out his savings account to bail a friend out of
    jail, and the friend skipped town...that SUCKS. Now he has no $ for
    his deposit on his new apt. I feel wierd about it, but I sent him an
    email to get his snail addy. I want to send him some $.
     
 

824 thinkin' bout stuf

 
  • Aug. 26, 2002
     
    Thinking about writing a parody of Weet's talks with her uterus on
    d'land. My uterus is a psychopathic killer, of course, that I can't
    get rid of because I can't convince a Dr. its medically necessary.

    Thinking about X too. I guess she's always been the way she is, so
    I shouldn't get so upset that she's still the way she always has
    been. Borrows stuff and a) never gives it back b) gives it back after
    so much time has passed that I've bought replacements (unless, of
    course, it wasn't replacable, like out of print books or tupperware
    they don't make anymore) or c) gives it back, but it's in horrible
    condition and you wish she'd just kept it instead of pouring gook all
    over it and letting it get fouled by children, and then giving it
    back. And always with a complete air of innocence, no remarks
    about "Oh, I didn't realize my youngest tore the cover off your book,
    I'll buy you another". Or whatever. Borrowed 5 books in a series,
    returned 4, minus the first book, and never said a thing about it. If
    I mention 'where's #1?" she'll look all puzzled and say 'oh, you
    didn't loan #1 to me'...um...then WHERE IS IT!? And why WOULDNT I
    have loaned her #1 if I was going to loan her 2-5? Or whatever.

    Money, same thing. She always needs it and never pays it back or even
    acts like she feels obligated to do so. No, really, it's such a
    privilege to be your moneybags, just the act of serving you is enough
    to repay your wonderful friendship.

    It's not that she's ungrateful, because she is. And very affectionate
    & says "thank you so much", bla bla. But...I am just feeling like
    things are very unequal. And maybe always have been.

    But my self esteem these days is such that I feel like I shouldn't
    have to do all the giving and all the work in a relationship. I am
    naturally a giver, she is naturally a taker, but intellectually I
    recognize that isn't a healthy pattern to follow, and there needs to
    be some return to my giving.

    Not necessarily $, because I am pretty sure I have more disposable
    income than she does, but it doesn't cost anything to make a local
    call and say 'hey, how are ya?' every now and again. And it would be
    nice if she'd make as much time for me as she makes for her monthly
    lunches with the other women in her life. I can't help it if my work
    + riding the bus to work & not having my own transpo during the work
    week won't allow me to meet them. What would be so hard about
    saying "we should meet for drinks once a month' or something? No, no
    no. If *I* want to see her, I have to call, or go over to her house,
    and tolerate her children making noise and her messy house and her
    grubby animals. Because she doesn't want to make any effort for me.
    Because she has never had to in the past, so why should she start now.

    Makes me very very very very sad, and I don't know what to do about
    it.
evile: (clutter)
 

  • Aug. 26, 2002
     
    So, I've been a little off kilter today. Something got into my
    bubble. (http://pozlife.diaryland.com/index.html) Poz's latest
    experience with being a decent human being and having it blow up in
    his face.

    Maybe this is why I don't hang out with anyone much anymore

    Because every human interaction seems to push me either toward being
    this uncaring, soulless bitch, or toward being this martyr victim
    bleeding heart.

    And I can't find a balance.

    I am a giver. I don't think I'd change that if I could. When you have
    a problem, come to me, I'll listen, I'll give advice, I'll help you
    out. Car breaks down in the middle of BFE? I'll come get ya. Out of
    cash and can't buy groceries? Yeah, I'll feed you. Even if I'm out of
    cash myself, I'll put it on the plastic for you, because I love you
    and that's what you do for people you love.

    martyr martyr martyr. victim victim victim. so holy, so perfect, so
    sweet. Let me just open another vein for you...

    And it's a bad habit, this giving selflessly. Because eventually,
    instead of being grateful and trying to do something good for you
    next time 'round, everyone just expects it and takes it for granted.
    In the meantime, something cold inside you has grown a spine and you
    don't want to play doormat anymore.

    So how do you redefine your friendships without losing them? The
    takers, who are lovely people, smart and fun, with their grandiose
    proclamations of what a wonderful person you are, and big loud hugs &
    kisses to show how much they love you?

    How do you say "Make time for me in your life" how do you say "Give
    me something for a change, do something nice for me for once"?

    Well...you can't. Because if you have been the giver for years and
    years and years, the taker will get all offended, how dare you ask
    for something back, isn't my friendship and company (when I feel like
    it) enough for you?

    Damn you selfish E!

    I am a giver. But I have wised up. I don't want to be used anymore.
    I want something back. And I don't know how to get it without losing
    what little I have been given.

    How can I keep being a giver without allowing myself to be used? How
    can I keep my basic open-hearted nature without being stomped on? Or
    do I have to really become the selfish bitch that is my facade? I
    don't much like her...but I have to protect myself.

    How can I learn to give without taking away from myself? How can I
    learn to say no without becoming hard-hearted?

    I need to find a balance. And it seems I am only in balance when I am
    alone.
     

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