evile: (Nightmare)
[personal profile] evile
This year has just flown by and I don't feel like I have much to show for it. Time passes faster as you get older, I think....

Our weekend has been pretty laid back. Yesterday was Bart's memorial service & reception in San Antonio. Other than the selected speakers at the memorial, nobody really talked about Bart. The reception was more like a reunion, 'what are you doing these days' kind of thing.....it was nice but I really wanted more Bart stories. I kept a journal of all my times back then but I don't actually remember much off the top of my head. I didn't really know what to say to his mom, sister, and brother, so I didn't say anything. I hadn't seen him in years and years, I just didn't feel like I had the right to say anything. So I stood around awkwardly, talked a little to the two people there I knew, but even that felt wierd and wrong, like I was in the way and keeping them from talking to the people they actually wanted to talk to.

When I got to the memorial, I said hi to Ross and met his wife Jeanne. Ross told me I look exactly the same....which was nice of him. I expected to cry more than I actually did. There was a slide show of photos of Bart from all the times of his life, mixed together. I recognized some. A few made me laugh or at least smile.

The reception was at "The Circle School" just off Broadway near the Witte; it looked like a big old bungalow had been turned into a school. The classrooms had names like "the star room" and "the rainbow room"--if my sister lived in San Antonio, I could totally see my niece going to that school. We got there a little early and helped set up tables and stuff.

Anyway....I didn't stay til the end, we left for home around 6:30. You can't go home again.

Christine C. One of the people I went to HS with, who knew Bart also....went kind of bugnuts and unfriended me in Facebook. Apparently she felt she hadn't been told enough about what was going on when, as far as the memorial service, reception, and graveside ceremony. When I had messaged her the official obituary, she told me she wasn't going to anything, because Bart's sister and her sister are best friends, and she isn't on speaking terms with her sister. Also had some drama with Ross, the main organizer of everything and one of Bart's best friends. So the last post from her I saw before she unfriended me was a lot of cuss words and "Why didn't anyone tell me about the memorial service, Bart was my friend too" and "I hate you!!" Oh, yeah, and her husband posted to let all mutual friends of Chris and Bart that we are pieces of shit. I probably should not have responded at all, but I did. I said something like "I messaged you and posted all teh info I had, I don't know what else I could have done,".....but the thing is....she's an adult, and she DID have all the info she needed in order to make whatever decisions about attending or not attending....so her making things other people's fault or responsibility is just her.....not my responsibility or my problem. Of course I feel like a horrible person and a bad friend, because that's my codependent conditioning at work....but really, this is her grief and anger and sadness needing an outlet and a target and me being the best one, as usual, as always, because that's who I am and that's who she is.

Anyway. :/ I can't say it doesn't bother me or hurt me, but I can at least recognize some of the irrational aspects of the situation and why it shouldn't bother me or hurt me the way it is. So, there's that.

Today has just been sleeping in, hanging out in pjs. Thax made coffee and waffles. Now he's working on various little fix-it projects around the house that he'd been meaning to get to for a while. I haven't done a damn thing. We need to get to the grocery store at some point.

My life feels pretty empty and quiet now that I don't plan (and pay for!) grand group adventures anymore. Oh well.


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August 2017

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