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33 Dear Abby column
Apr. 2nd, 2001 08:26 amFrom: "Match Girl42" <matchgirl42@h...>
Date: Fri Mar 30, 2001 9:34pm
Subject: Fw:WIFE FINALLY SEES THE LIGHT ABOUT HER CONTROLLING HUSBAND
Please pass this on to everyone you know, male and female. You may
save a life!
-original feature-
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "At My Wit's End," whose best friend's
husband was insanely jealous, prompted me to write.
For 13 years, I was married to a very controlling, much older man. A
woman named "Helen" from church would call me occasionally. Since I wasn't
allowed to have friends, each time she called, my husband would make a scene
in the background. I was extremely embarrassed, but one day she said: "He's
trying to run me off. He may have been in your life a long time before me,
but I'll be around long after he's gone!"
That statement caused me to review my situation and realize the
extent to which I was being controlled. Suddenly, I experienced a feeling of
power where before I felt helpless. I came to realize that I was miserable
in my marriage, but I had believed it was all my fault. Had it not been for
Helen's comment, I might still be in that abusive relationship (which
it was).
That was 20 years ago. I divorced him, and my life has changed
tremendously since then. Please, Abby, tell "Wit's End" she may be her friend's
only link to a new life. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS
DEAR BEEN THERE: I'll do better than that. I'll point out that being
isolated from friends and family by a partner -- male or female -- is
one sign of a potential abuser. Read on for some other signs (adapted
with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in
Fayetteville, Ark.):
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've
never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner
for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits
unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet
someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're
late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money;
insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and
meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses
people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive
you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone
else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser
says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me
by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when
he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just
a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals
brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their
ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until
they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse
children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or
holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape
exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel,
hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve
sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says
the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck,"
or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way,"
or "I didn't really mean it." If the abuse has gone this far -- it's time
to get help or get out!
-----
[[Edit: Threats of Violence, in my experience, can also include threats of violence against the self or other family members/pets/children. "If you leave, I'll kill myself," "If you leave, don't expect to see [pet, child, other family member] again in this lifetime"]]
Date: Fri Mar 30, 2001 9:34pm
Subject: Fw:WIFE FINALLY SEES THE LIGHT ABOUT HER CONTROLLING HUSBAND
Please pass this on to everyone you know, male and female. You may
save a life!
-original feature-
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "At My Wit's End," whose best friend's
husband was insanely jealous, prompted me to write.
For 13 years, I was married to a very controlling, much older man. A
woman named "Helen" from church would call me occasionally. Since I wasn't
allowed to have friends, each time she called, my husband would make a scene
in the background. I was extremely embarrassed, but one day she said: "He's
trying to run me off. He may have been in your life a long time before me,
but I'll be around long after he's gone!"
That statement caused me to review my situation and realize the
extent to which I was being controlled. Suddenly, I experienced a feeling of
power where before I felt helpless. I came to realize that I was miserable
in my marriage, but I had believed it was all my fault. Had it not been for
Helen's comment, I might still be in that abusive relationship (which
it was).
That was 20 years ago. I divorced him, and my life has changed
tremendously since then. Please, Abby, tell "Wit's End" she may be her friend's
only link to a new life. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS
DEAR BEEN THERE: I'll do better than that. I'll point out that being
isolated from friends and family by a partner -- male or female -- is
one sign of a potential abuser. Read on for some other signs (adapted
with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in
Fayetteville, Ark.):
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've
never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner
for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits
unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet
someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're
late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money;
insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and
meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses
people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive
you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone
else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser
says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me
by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when
he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just
a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals
brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their
ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until
they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse
children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or
holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape
exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel,
hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve
sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says
the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck,"
or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way,"
or "I didn't really mean it." If the abuse has gone this far -- it's time
to get help or get out!
-----
[[Edit: Threats of Violence, in my experience, can also include threats of violence against the self or other family members/pets/children. "If you leave, I'll kill myself," "If you leave, don't expect to see [pet, child, other family member] again in this lifetime"]]
