Not fine, though life goes on.

[evile]

Today it rained for the first time since the morning my father died.

People ask how I am and I want to say “My father is dead,”

That’s not what you’re supposed to say.

Not what you're allowed to say.

You’re supposed to say “fine,”

Fine fine.

My father is dead.

Comments

[gwendally.livejournal.com]

Your father used to be alive. He smiled at things. He laughed out loud. He loved you. You had a father.

Someday you will smile when you think this. Your father is going to be dead tomorrow, and the day after that, and, well, every day after that, too.

But he was alive once, and that was good.

I hope you find the beauty in that and it brings you comfort.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

honestly, I can't remember my father ever laughing out loud. He did have quirky little grin tho'.

and I still don't think I should be obligated to say "fine" to spare other people's feelings when I'm absolutely NOT fine just now. It's not their fault, and I don't want to be pissy or unpleasant to anyone about it...but I'm NOT fine. And I don't want to fake like I am fine because someone is going to feel awkward because god help us all, I have a feeling that isn't cute, fun, happy go lucky, look at the smiley big boobie girl being funny and silly for our entertainments. THAT IS NOT ME RIGHT NOW.

[gwendally.livejournal.com]

"Actually, I'm mourning a great loss right now, but thanks for asking."

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I guess my main problem is that 90% of the people in the world who say "how are you?" are saying it reflexively, like I say "hi," or "hey"...they don't give a shit how someone is, they don't even stop to hear the answer....under normal emotional circumstances, I don't really care that when people ask "how are you," they are just walkin' by and dont' give a flying yazoo.

but right now I find it offensive.

and I don't feel like lying or saying fine but I also don't care to paint a big red target on myself by sharing my pain with people who don't give a toss.

bleh.

[goudananda.livejournal.com]

I struggled with what to say here. No one can offer words to take the pain away from your loss. I'm saddened to hear of your loss and suffering. The only thing other than a hug that I can offer is a book that helped me with similar feelings.

http://www.amazon.com/No-Death-Fear-Comforting-Wisdom/dp/1573223336

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the recommendation.

I know I will be back to my usual frivolous, careless, thoughtless, selfish, hedonistic self soon enough...life is still going on and theres fun to be ad....i just have these little moments.moments

[joeylemur.livejournal.com]

You know how long it was before I started to get over Jenn's death. Its hard. *hugs*

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

It's hard.

I have a word I use when I'm not OK but don't want to get into details with someone who isn't interested or doesn't happen to have the bandwidth right then.

"Extant."

I don't know if that would work for you at all, but it's all I have in the way of a suggestion.

I love you, and if you were where I am right now (howevermany miles north of you), I'd give you a hug.

[sheilagh.livejournal.com]

It can take years. And you're right to take the time YOU need to take.

*hugs*