Today's Gift: Anger is not the answer
Oct. 26th, 2011 12:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileToday's thought from Hazelden is:
Anger helps straighten out a problem like a fan helps straighten out a pile of papers.
--Susan Marcotte
Some of us have temper tantrums. Like black clouds, we threaten an outburst at any moment. Other people learn to check us out for storm warnings. They want time to clear out or at least to put on a protective covering. We've caught them by surprise before, and they didn't like it. Now they've learned to watch out - to stay on their toes when we're around. Intimidating people, making them glad when we're not around so they can relax, is a poor way to relate to others.
And what do the outbursts do for us? Is there a cheap sense of power or control for a few minutes? Are we advertising to the world that we're short on coping skills? Or do we tell ourselves that letting off steam is necessary once in a while, conveniently forgetting the steam blasting in other people's faces?
No tirade ever solved a problem. Anger is not a strategy. We don't have the right to rain on other people's parades. Our program can teach us better ways to deal with our anger - with honesty and fairness to ourselves and others.
Today, I ask my Higher Power for a peaceful and honest heart.
Or, as Yoda puts it: "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
For me, it's always been easier to be angry than to show hurt. And growing up, I was one of the smallest kids in my grade, but also one of the smartest, so what I found I could do really well was have a "smart mouth"...if someone threatened me physically, or hit me physically, I could come up with a killing remark, hide my pain and wrap my hands tightly around the bleeding places until I got home and could cry and take care of my cuts and bruises alone. I'll never forget the day that one of my little girlfriends sicced her big brother on me because she didn't like something I'd said or done. The big brother beat me up, punched me in the stomach. I stood up, took a shaky breath, told him "congratulations, you just beat up a little girl," and walked steadily home with my head high. I got home and as soon as the door closed behind me I cried and cried and cried. I hurt so much.
What I've discovered is that when someone I love hurts me, and I react defensively and with anger, that drives them away and builds walls between us. It just creates more pain and misunderstanding and anger and distance. If I can be honest enough to let down my defenses and show that I'm in pain, the person who cares about me will reach out to me and we can then work on building trust and easing pain and ending anger. So...it's hard, because being angry and coming up with a good way to hurt them back, harder and worse than they hurt me is the automatic response/defense. But being honest is better, even if it's scary to show someone that they are indeed capable of hurting me badly. Trusting someone enough to show the hurt spot and trusting them not to hit me there again now that they know they can....HARD. but worth it.
================================
Also, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Remember that domestic abuse is not always Male-on-Female. It is often Female-on-Male, or Female Parent on child(ren). And, sadly, I have friends who have been in same-sex relationships that have been abusive, too. It seems that there are even fewer resources for people in non-traditional relationships.
I have collected information on abuse, abusers, and ways to get safe under the tag abuse help..
This article on verbal abuse really makes a lot of good points.
Unfortunately, I very much relate to this quote:
Yet, very often those women who have the fire to rebel have also had the misfortune of having abuse and violence to rebel against. This is a formula for becoming an abuser as well. Knowing only the pattern of attack or counterattack, rebellious abused women learn the lesson of destroy or be destroyed. Having rejected the role of victim, they frequently take the only other role available in this destructive duel, that of victimizer. Since they are often not the physically strongest opponent, the weapon of choice of abusive women is usually verbal assault, and they often become skilled slashers and crushers of spirits.
"Slasher and crusher of spirits"....That would be me. And it's a challenge to get out of the black/white thinking that says "You must be the victim or the victimizer [or the rescuer]"...there are other options. Finding them is hard, but worthwhile.
Anger helps straighten out a problem like a fan helps straighten out a pile of papers.
--Susan Marcotte
Some of us have temper tantrums. Like black clouds, we threaten an outburst at any moment. Other people learn to check us out for storm warnings. They want time to clear out or at least to put on a protective covering. We've caught them by surprise before, and they didn't like it. Now they've learned to watch out - to stay on their toes when we're around. Intimidating people, making them glad when we're not around so they can relax, is a poor way to relate to others.
And what do the outbursts do for us? Is there a cheap sense of power or control for a few minutes? Are we advertising to the world that we're short on coping skills? Or do we tell ourselves that letting off steam is necessary once in a while, conveniently forgetting the steam blasting in other people's faces?
No tirade ever solved a problem. Anger is not a strategy. We don't have the right to rain on other people's parades. Our program can teach us better ways to deal with our anger - with honesty and fairness to ourselves and others.
Today, I ask my Higher Power for a peaceful and honest heart.
You are reading from the book:
Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty
Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty. © 1987, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of the Hazelden.
Or, as Yoda puts it: "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
For me, it's always been easier to be angry than to show hurt. And growing up, I was one of the smallest kids in my grade, but also one of the smartest, so what I found I could do really well was have a "smart mouth"...if someone threatened me physically, or hit me physically, I could come up with a killing remark, hide my pain and wrap my hands tightly around the bleeding places until I got home and could cry and take care of my cuts and bruises alone. I'll never forget the day that one of my little girlfriends sicced her big brother on me because she didn't like something I'd said or done. The big brother beat me up, punched me in the stomach. I stood up, took a shaky breath, told him "congratulations, you just beat up a little girl," and walked steadily home with my head high. I got home and as soon as the door closed behind me I cried and cried and cried. I hurt so much.
What I've discovered is that when someone I love hurts me, and I react defensively and with anger, that drives them away and builds walls between us. It just creates more pain and misunderstanding and anger and distance. If I can be honest enough to let down my defenses and show that I'm in pain, the person who cares about me will reach out to me and we can then work on building trust and easing pain and ending anger. So...it's hard, because being angry and coming up with a good way to hurt them back, harder and worse than they hurt me is the automatic response/defense. But being honest is better, even if it's scary to show someone that they are indeed capable of hurting me badly. Trusting someone enough to show the hurt spot and trusting them not to hit me there again now that they know they can....HARD. but worth it.
Also, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Remember that domestic abuse is not always Male-on-Female. It is often Female-on-Male, or Female Parent on child(ren). And, sadly, I have friends who have been in same-sex relationships that have been abusive, too. It seems that there are even fewer resources for people in non-traditional relationships.
I have collected information on abuse, abusers, and ways to get safe under the tag abuse help..
This article on verbal abuse really makes a lot of good points.
Unfortunately, I very much relate to this quote:
Yet, very often those women who have the fire to rebel have also had the misfortune of having abuse and violence to rebel against. This is a formula for becoming an abuser as well. Knowing only the pattern of attack or counterattack, rebellious abused women learn the lesson of destroy or be destroyed. Having rejected the role of victim, they frequently take the only other role available in this destructive duel, that of victimizer. Since they are often not the physically strongest opponent, the weapon of choice of abusive women is usually verbal assault, and they often become skilled slashers and crushers of spirits.
"Slasher and crusher of spirits"....That would be me. And it's a challenge to get out of the black/white thinking that says "You must be the victim or the victimizer [or the rescuer]"...there are other options. Finding them is hard, but worthwhile.
