Boundaries....

[evile]

This is from a website about borderline personality disorder. I don't think that automatically makes it advice only for the mentally ill or those who are involved with the mentally ill (though the more people I meet, the more I realize that 'healthy' and 'normal' are generally not so much.)

I think boundaries are something we can all benefit from having and also recognizing in others, whether we recognize that others in our lives have *good* boundaries or poor boundaries...it's all good to know.

And, honestly, frustrating and sad as hell to look back and see times and places in my life when I could have or should have set better boundaries for myself, or challenged other people when they were setting poor or inappropriate boundaries. If we could have just found better ways to communicate, identify what we really wanted or needed in the situation, and convey those in an appropriate way....

The first time I went through the list I felt vindicated and smug. "Oh, yeah,she did this, he did that, they did this, that's totally him/her/them".....and then I had to be honest with myself and say "Oh, right. I did this, that, and this other, and that other,"....nobody did a good job with the boundaries in this, that, or the other situation...everybody fucked it up good and proper.

Oh well. Done and gone. No second chances, no forgiveness. Never ever. Just do better next time if the opportunity comes by.

http://www.bpd411.org/boundariesunhealthy.html



Unhealthy Boundaries
Do You Have Poor Boundaries?

By now you should have read the boundaries introduction and understand the basics of what boundaries are.

This page provides a checklist of attributes and behaviors you can think about to understand more about unhealthy boundaries. Boundaries can be unhealthy by being either too intimate or too distant.

We suggest going down this list twice. First thinking of yourself, and then as it may apply to the person in your life with borderline traits.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries

Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t want.
Acting on first sexual impulse.
Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.
Being sexual for partner, not self.
Believing other can anticipate your needs.
Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
Food abuse.
Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
Going against personal values or rights to please others.
Letting others define you.
Letting others describe your reality.
Letting others direct your life.
Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
Not noticing or caring when someone invades your boundaries.
Self abuse.
Sexual and physical abuse.
Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
Telling all.
Touching a person without asking.

Scenarios

Write down your thoughts about each of the following scenarios. Do they exhibit poor boundaries? Who is exhibiting poor boundaries? It is possible that both people in a scenario are exhibiting poor boundaries, so watch for that. What additional information might you need to know to determine if a boundary has been violated?

Bob always drives the car when he is going somewhere. Susan gets in the car with Bob even though she thinks he is a dangerous driver.
Jan calls George at work and expects him to talk to her no matter what he is doing. George almost always complies.
Jennifer visits Joanne without calling first.
Debbie often calls her daugher Katherine at ten-thirty at night, even if it isn’t an emergency.
Joseph runs out of gas and calls his dad at three-thirty in the morning to help him out. His dad immediately gets out of bed and goes to assist him.
Geraldine goes to bars and picks up men. She often finds herself sleeping with them even though she has never met them before.
Walter occasionally visits prostitutes while travelling. His wife Chris knows of his infidelities, but chooses to forgive him when he "can’t control himself."
Martha often counsels her son Justin on how he ought to be interacting with his new wife.
Joe worries because his wife Rhoda keeps talking about her violent fantasies. One night Joe trips over a baseball bat positioned outside of the bedroom door.
Jen met Richard a month ago. They are convinced that they are soul mates and are planning a wedding in two months.
Lucy and Wally have been married for three years. They still have sex nearly every day.
Robin expects that Walter will know and fulfill her needs without asking.
Dick spends hours in Internet chat rooms. His wife Isabella doesn’t seem to mind, so he thinks it is ok.
Faith calls her husband at work twice a day, "Just to say I love you."
Kate seems to get sick whenever Jonathan goes out of town on a business trip.
When Sue’s memory of an event differs from Rob’s she usually assumes that she must have remembered things wrong.
Kevin shared his deepest secrets with Randi even though he didn’t really know her very well.
Jo and John like to go eat ice cream together often. John always gets vanilla. Jo likes chocolate. They tease each other about these preferences.
Roger and Andy occasionally like to go to the movies and leave their wives at home and have a "boy’s night out".
Keith insists that dinner be ready when he gets home from work.
Tom sometimes rages when Beverly does things he doesn’t like.
Pauline and Rudolph don’t buy anything over $20 without consulting each other first.
Lisa finishes all the food that the kids won’t eat, even if she isn’t full in order to teach the kids not to waste food.
Troy thinks Helen would look great in the new nighty he bought for her.

Comments

I do a few of those at times

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

There are three things on the list that I do at times. Two of them, I'm making a decision to do something that's not my greatest desire at that moment, but I'm honest with myself about it. "If I do this, at least someone will have a good time. It might even be me, but I'm not going to count on it." And, someone almost always does have a good time, and I end up having a better time than I really expect sometimes.

Does thinking it through that way make it less of a boundary issue and more of a mindful decision?

Re: I do a few of those at times

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I don't know...if you make a habit of sacrificing your happiness or your goals for the sake of others, or if it's automatic rather than thought out, or if you end up feeling resentful of the person you've sacrificed for, those are probably signs of bad boundaries.

Conscious choices and compromise, or even sacrifice made lovingly and not all the time, every time...all probably good boundaries.

Just a guess here...my boundary skills are still pretty bad.

Re: I do a few of those at times

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

I think that the fact that you're trying to figure out how to improve your boundary skills counts for something, at least. It doesn't seem so in the moment, at times, I'm sure, but every bit of improvement is a step in a better-boundaries direction.

I spent some time this weekend very clearly delineating some boundaries, and it paid off nicely. :) Just as long as everyone I talked to understands that those were the rules for that time and that place, and doesn't try to take the same liberties tomorrow evening, we're all good....