An earthy meditation on "equanimity"

[evile]

I've been trying to get my head around Maitri, which is, in a nutshell, wishing for myself and others: "happiness and the root of happiness," "freedom from suffering and the root of suffering" "Joy" and "Equanimity"

Equanimity has been a tough one. I've been hit hard and often in the last few months with thoughts and feelings of "If Thax doesn't love me, I'll die" and "If Thax leaves me, I'll die,"...and that grasping, clinging, panic, and holding on so desperately and miserably, ironically, LIMITS the love that Thax and I can share. It limits us, period.

I don't know what Pema Chodron would think of this, but I like it.

Thanks to turbojj for the linky.

Comments

[goudananda.livejournal.com]

An elderly student who often asks me questions about eastern practices asked me about karma in class the other day. I relish the opportunity to speak on anything and have someone listen and this was no different. He asked specifically, "what is karma?"

I told him I felt it was an extremely loaded term in English. The main issue seems to be a mixture of cultures and religions with different concepts. Judaism is to Christianity as Hinduism is to Buddhism. In Judeo-Christian thought many feel God is above and punishing people for their actions, inactions and Jesus' karma for instance was to be beaten and crucified.

In Hinduism where the idea of karma comes from I don't see spite. There is no vindictive God. Cause and effect is the least loaded definition of karma I've seen and the one I cling to. Karma is just what is. Put energy somewhere and get something in return for that investment.

I explained to the students that some would say it was my karma to be hit by a drunk driver, to be in pain physically. Others would say God was punishing me or testing me like Job from the old testament. I explained to them that I didn't feel tested. I also don't think Yahweh is up above giggling at their arthritis, shoulder problems, poor breathing and so on. They, much like me, just....are, where they are.

When I went through massage school I noticed something. My back didn't hurt as much when I worked on someone else. Nothing about my physical self changed but my focus did. So how do I partially deal with being in physical pain? I help others with theirs. I've a higher degree and capacity to be compassionate and caring about physical pain because I've had it and continue to have it. It is my karma, just is. It's no judgement, good or bad, it's just where I live.

I can fight my karma all I wish but the only way to work with anything is to embrace it. Telling the students that I don't feel God is punishing them by being old and that I feel the best way to deal with age is to harness it is something they've probably never been told. If your breathing is poor, work on it, accept it fully as it is. Quit living in the past when you were young. Quit being concerned about how you will ache tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself. Only by living in the present...can karma be cleansed and life fully lived.

When it comes to relationships we're looking at traditions that contain celibacy. Part of that reason is that it's hard to work out enlightenment when you're trying to work out romance and love. Choosing a path of romance is no easier than choosing a path of being a Catholic priest. My students asked if I'd heard about Swamiji and the drama concerning his possible inappropriate actions concerning some young girls at the ashram. I mentioned that I'd read a small article about it but then my student announced that Swamiji, who I believe took a vow of celibacy, has now fled to Mexico to avoid prosecution. So you see...even a Hindu has his karma to work out.

Romantic relationships are a rough spot for someone following the spiritual path. As westerners and householders we've extra stuff to deal with. Fortunately you can work on your karma and your dating life at the same time. They do not contradict in any way.

[goudananda.livejournal.com]

I do not feel it's the easy path. It would be far easier to exclude romantic relationships all together and being poly, Buddhist leaning and involved in romance is something the Buddha himself probably never contemplated. I do feel that those I've met in the community who embrace some degree of Buddhist spirituality have been the most balanced and secure folks in the community.

Feeling like you will die? Oh, trust me, I've been there before and we'll both be there again. The trick is to embrace the death until there no longer is any pain, nothing to hold onto and no image to maintain. Ego takes a long time to die. Dealing with relationships with equanimity to me means that you accept that any relationship will someday end.

Andrea, as we often have conversations about, will someday grow tired of me sitting on the couch and farting. She will finally be fed up with paying the bills and having me complain about the house clutter. She will one day decide she no longer appreciates my humor and will oust me like the poop that gets stuck on your shoe...by scraping it off on the steps.

One other possible options is that Andrea and I will grow old together and watch each other live, grow old and then physically wither. We may be with each other until one of use takes our last breath. The sadness I could eventually see at my partner taking her last breath is not a happy thought. The more I embrace life, the more I embrace it's impermanence and dissolution. The more I realize she will not be with me always, the more perspective put on our relationships, the more we can love those chosen partners fully without boundaries and regret. Impermanence and its grasp allow me to develop more equanimity.

Living and loving in the present is the best way to go. If Thax left, Thax would do what was best for him. If Thax stayed, Thax would do what was best for him. The real measure of our relationships is the degree to which they allow us to grow and work out our own enlightenment. We've chosen paths of romance. It's not an easy path to work these things out in but not impossible.

One must be able to fully love oneself before you can love another. All love comes from that place. We all have Buddha nature.

Good luck. I hope that made some sense. I was touched by what you'd written. A pain shared is a burden made lighter.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Thank you for these long & thoughtful replies. You've given me a lot to think about.

The real measure of our relationships is the degree to which they allow us to grow and work out our own enlightenment.

Exactly! You said this so well. Ego is such a killer...of everything good in ourselves, our relationships and what they could be.

*hugs* Thank you :)

[maevemacaraab.livejournal.com]

Brilliant article, A, and what a beautiful comment Goudananda. do you always write such poignant entries? If so, may I friend request you?

[goudananda.livejournal.com]

You're welcome to add me. Usually my comments have someone wanting to put a garden trowel through my forehead but...you may be one of the ones who get's me. :P

Also, if you use facebook like Robert Gardner Wellness, it's my work page and concerns my dealings with health oriented things like bodywork, food and yoga.

http://robertgardnerwellness.com/

[emmainfiniti.livejournal.com]

Interesting article. I am wishing you the best on your spiritual journey.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

thank you. It's hard to let go of expectations and damn hard to get rid of shoulds and get over disappointments. But all of those things rob the present moment of joy and love and I sure as hell don't want to do that to my lover or myself. It's like....someone tells me 'emma makes a great chocolate cake' and then you invite me for supper and I'm all like 'oo, i'm gonna get chocolate cakez!' so I spend the whole time focused on that cake, miss out on enjoying a meal you spent time and energy and caring to prepare, ignore interesting conversation, and then we get to dessert, and you decided that you 'always' do chcolate cake and people must be bored of that so you were gonna make cheesecake instead, so the evening ends with me feeling disappointed and resentful and you feeling unappreciated and resentful...when everything was beautiful and tasty and could have been a wonderful time if I had not had my head up my ass with my cake expectations!

[in-quinecorners.livejournal.com]

I suspect Pema would have a good appreciative chuckle at that article. Of course if pressed she would probably say that one doesn't literally NEED those two things either, but I think she would like the spirit of what the author is saying.