I relate entirely too closely to this...

[evile]

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

You love me so much; you want to put me in your pocket. And I should die there smothered.
--D. H. Lawrence

Adult children often try to control people to keep them from moving away. To ensure that we won't be left alone, we might smother-love them with everything we have.

Of course, we become obsessed with the person we're trying to control. But even worse, this caretaking behavior eventually leads us to become more addicted to the problem than to the person. We become good at solving other people's problems and wiping away their tears; that's our skill. And that's why we so often end up attracting and being attracted to people who have monumental personal problems.

Oftentimes, our very hanging on guarantees the relationship will fail. When we try to control those we love we stand the chance of crippling our loved ones and ourselves. We must first aim for being healthy ourselves - only then can we learn to be part of a healthy relationship.

Today, I will let my loved ones face their own problems. I can love these people without fixing them.

You are reading from the book:

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty. Copyright 1987, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the Hazelden.

______________________________________________________________________

Comments

[mseuphrates.livejournal.com]

Wow.
I resemble that remark.
THanks for sharing (I may just have to check out this book). :)

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

yeah, me too...its like little Hazelden fairies came and dug around in my brain-meats during the night...

I get these quotes in my email daily. They are generally helpful & positive, and then there's days like this when they sound like they were custom made just for me.

http://www.hazelden.org/register

[mseuphrates.livejournal.com]

Nifty - I just registered! Thanks!

[maevemacaraab.livejournal.com]

holy shit! I totally needed to hear this.

(Damn, my alcoholic father for making me such a co-dependant boob!)

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I used to have this idea that once you figured out your parents/family of origin had fucked you up, the damage was totally & immediately fixable. Just find the problem and it's easy to solve....

I'm finding that it's not so easy to fix. But blame quickly becomes unsatisfying, not to mention tedious for others to keep hearing about...

I'm not sure what the solution is.

But it really knocked me over to realize that for a long time I'd been treating family members as if they were 'problems to be solved' not 'people to love'...they are still beyond fucked up, to be sure, but they are not my problem to solve. They are my people to love, and I do...now on to the problem of how do I show that love without letting my judgement of their problems get in the way?

I don't like being around them people I care about they are indulging in their addictions--be it drugs, booze, dramatic & exciting, yet abusive relationships...I don't like standing by while they hurt themselves or allow themselves to be hurt...BUT it's their choice to do that. So...? I'm a bit at an impasse. Avoidance is easiest, but probably not that helpful in the long run.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

reading mseuphrates f-list, found this. (http://dansarani.livejournal.com/1032693.html)

I think I have something similar in my archives. I guess it's good to revisit this list from time to time, and once again try to get ones head around the ideas that "these feelings and attitudes are not normal, they are malignant," and "not EVERYONE thinks and feels this way,"....because the main stumbling block in my path of recovery is just convincing myself that I'm normal, and that the way I act & react is totally normal and justifiable....when it's not.

trying to take the self judgement and self condemnation out of that 'not normal' thing...just trying to get my head around being hurt and on the mend, this isn't how things REALLY are, or how things always have to be.

Re: You have no idea

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

me too...I don't accept help gracefully when it's freely offered, and it's like chewing nails to ever actually *ask* for help. Needing anything or not being able to do something for myself makes me feel deeply ashamed and worthless.

I've made a lot of progress in the last couple of years (having a good partner helps) and I am starting to trust that I can ask Thax for help with something, and he won't belittle or punish me for asking, he will actually DO what I asked, cheerfully & lovingly. It's awesome.

Asking people for little things can help too...directions, the time of day, change for a dollar, their opinion on a purchase, whatever. And just try to trust that they are people of good will who will not shame you for asking a 'dumb' question or wanting their help.

I have also discovered my 'inner cheerleader', a sassy back-talking little wench who pipes up to defend me every time the worms in my head start saying that I'm worthless, nobody likes me, I deserve a bad thing to happen, I'm lazy, I didn't get anything worthwhile done, etc... She always talks back with proof of what I *did* get done, and that I do deserve good things and good people in my life and it really, really helps.

Get in touch with your sassy back-talking kid who was always in trouble with the grownups for the 'smart mouth' and get him on your side. Nobody can make you love yourself, but having a courageous inner voice to back-talk the negative inner voice is a good step in the right direction.

*hugs* & glad you're talking with a therapist. You'll get there!