More from _Feeling Good Together_
Nov. 14th, 2009 04:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileStroking is the fifth secret of effective communication. Stroking means that you express positive regard for the other person, no matter how upset you feel.
Stroking is mandatory. You can't put people down and expect them to love you in return.
Stroking is based on the work of the twentieth-century theologian Martin Buber, who described two types of relationships: "I--It" relationship and "I--Thou" relationships. In an "I--It" relationship, you view the other person as an object, an "It" to be manipulated. You treat him like the enemy, and your goal is to attack, defeat, or exploit him. For example, some men view attractive women as sex objects to use and discard. One-night stands are good examples of "I--It" relationships. Con artists and predators view people as objects to hurt and exploit. Those are "I--It" relationships, too.
The competitive mind-set...is another type of "I--It" relationship, and it's easy to get caught up in it. In sports, competition can be healthy and exhilarating, but if you're not getting along with a friend or colleague, the same mind-set can cause problems.
The "I--It" mind-set is highly seductive because it feels justified. When we're looking down on other people and treating them in a shabby way, we tell ourselves that we're doing the right thing and giving other people what they deserve. After all, they really are jerks.
"I--Thou" relationships are just the opposite. In an "I--Thou" relationship you choose to treat the other person with dignity and respect. You convey the desire to develop a closer, better relatioship, even if you and the other person are feeling frustrated and mad at each other.
The "I--It" and "I--Thou" mind-sets both function as self-fulfilling prophesies. If you look down on people and treat them badly, they'll retaliate and appear just as annoying and hostile as you expected. If, in contrast, you traet people with kindness and respect in spite of your anger, they'll nearly always be far more flexible and responsive to your feelings and point of view. Still, "I--Thou" relationships are pretty unpopular, and I think they've been out of fashion for thousands of years.
People justify "I--It" relationships with all kinds of arguments. They tell me that they just can't treat the other person with respect, but what they really mean is, "I don't want to," or "I refuse to." You may have a long list of compelling reasons why you shouldn't have to treat your spouse, your sibling, your neighbor, or that irritating colleague with respect.
Ultimately, we all have to choose between "I--It" and "I--Thou" relationships. You certainly don't have to use Stroking, and many people decide not to. However, none of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication will be effective without Stroking.
Stroking is almost more of a philosophy than a specific technique. It's the spirit and attitude that you bring to the interaction and convey to the other person.
from Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work, David D. Burns, MD
Stroking is mandatory. You can't put people down and expect them to love you in return.
Stroking is based on the work of the twentieth-century theologian Martin Buber, who described two types of relationships: "I--It" relationship and "I--Thou" relationships. In an "I--It" relationship, you view the other person as an object, an "It" to be manipulated. You treat him like the enemy, and your goal is to attack, defeat, or exploit him. For example, some men view attractive women as sex objects to use and discard. One-night stands are good examples of "I--It" relationships. Con artists and predators view people as objects to hurt and exploit. Those are "I--It" relationships, too.
The competitive mind-set...is another type of "I--It" relationship, and it's easy to get caught up in it. In sports, competition can be healthy and exhilarating, but if you're not getting along with a friend or colleague, the same mind-set can cause problems.
The "I--It" mind-set is highly seductive because it feels justified. When we're looking down on other people and treating them in a shabby way, we tell ourselves that we're doing the right thing and giving other people what they deserve. After all, they really are jerks.
"I--Thou" relationships are just the opposite. In an "I--Thou" relationship you choose to treat the other person with dignity and respect. You convey the desire to develop a closer, better relatioship, even if you and the other person are feeling frustrated and mad at each other.
The "I--It" and "I--Thou" mind-sets both function as self-fulfilling prophesies. If you look down on people and treat them badly, they'll retaliate and appear just as annoying and hostile as you expected. If, in contrast, you traet people with kindness and respect in spite of your anger, they'll nearly always be far more flexible and responsive to your feelings and point of view. Still, "I--Thou" relationships are pretty unpopular, and I think they've been out of fashion for thousands of years.
People justify "I--It" relationships with all kinds of arguments. They tell me that they just can't treat the other person with respect, but what they really mean is, "I don't want to," or "I refuse to." You may have a long list of compelling reasons why you shouldn't have to treat your spouse, your sibling, your neighbor, or that irritating colleague with respect.
Ultimately, we all have to choose between "I--It" and "I--Thou" relationships. You certainly don't have to use Stroking, and many people decide not to. However, none of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication will be effective without Stroking.
Stroking is almost more of a philosophy than a specific technique. It's the spirit and attitude that you bring to the interaction and convey to the other person.
from Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work, David D. Burns, MD
