Lies Abusers Tell

[evile]

excerpted from http://www.hhhh.org/maia/lies.html

[I have excerpted the ones I've heard said to or about a loved ones, or ones that have been said to me. I am bolding the ones I've said myself. Owning my shit.]


You're just taking it wrong.

We could make this relationship great if only you would work harder.

You made me lie by not making it easy to tell the truth.

I only lied to you because I knew you'd be hurt if you found out the truth.

You own nothing, not even yourself. In my house, you are mine.

Your asking not to be touched isn't a good reason for me not to touch you.

In my house you will do what I want you to.

If you tell, I'll kill your cat/child/mother/friend/coworker.

I bought you X, but you owe me because you didn't earn it.

You will ruin our lives.

You're going to be the death of me.

I can't live without you.

I know you better than you know yourself.

I was/am the parent/spouse/teacher/authority figure; therefore I know better than you.

This is going to kill your mother/father/teacher.

If you do this, nobody will ever talk to you again.

Your mother/father/sister/spouse wouldn't understand.

I have no one else to talk to.

You're the only one who really loves me.

You're too sensitive. I'm sick of you being so hypersensitive all the time!

Why are you so negative?

You're not sorry. If you were sorry, you wouldn't have said it.

You're bad. You're worthless. You're ugly.

You shouldn't feel that way. You shouldn't think that way.

I never did that. It never happened. You're just making it up.

I can't believe how selfish you are.

You're self-centered, lazy, and irresponsible.

You shouldn't let it bother you.

That's just the way your [abuser] is. You shouldn't let them bother you.

What are you mad at me for? I stopped drinking/beating you/abusing drugs, didn't I? What else do I need to do?

I wouldn't tease you if I didn't love you so much.

For a smart person, you sure do some dumb things.

You just remember what you want to remember.

Don't talk about your experience with my drinking/drug use/abuse because it will embarrass me. Don't tell anyone about this. It's our little secret. I'll kill you if you tell.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself!!

You only get what you deserve.

You have to forgive your abuser. You have to forgive me. It'll do you good if you forgive me. That's really the best thing for you.

I only have your best interests at heart.

This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Why are you so stupid? Why are you so snotty? Why are you so hard to get along with? Why are you so [insert random meaningless accusation here]??

That's not what you meant. I know what you really meant.

You're overdramatic. You're obsessed.

You made me mad. You provoked me. You made me do it.

I'm not going to talk to you until you apologize.

Your feelings aren't important. Your opinions don't matter. I'm the only one who can be right. I'm the only one who can have feelings and opinions. I'm the only one who counts.

I never treated you that way. You imagined it. You had a wonderful childhood/adolescence/marriage/relationship.

You shouldn't feel like you were abused, because we gave you everything. You're so ungrateful. For all I have to put up with...

You're antagonistic. You're argumentative. You have a way of making people angry.

I can't be nice to you because it wouldn't work.

I can't ask you politely to do something because you wouldn't do it.

You never... You always...

You're just overreacting. You're just making a big deal out of nothing.

You're rude. You're uncooperative. You're unkind. You're just not a very nice person.

Go to therapy as long as you like, but when will you be done?

If you talk about your feelings, you're just whining. That's all they do in those support groups, anyway. They just sit around wallowing in self-pity.

Friends can't be trusted. Your friends are evil.

You're not sensible. You don't think things through.

You're ridiculous. Where did you get that crazy idea?!

Did [random suspect person] put you up to this?!

You're the Good Daughter/Wife/Girlfriend/Son/Husband/Boyfriend.

You're the Bad Daughter/Wife/Girlfriend/Son/Husband/Boyfriend.

You just need to try harder. You just need to stop letting your feelings get hurt.

Of course I love you. I wouldn't do this to you if I didn't love you.

Just because I have other partners doesn't mean I'm cheating on you.

You only like history because you're obsessed with the past. Why can't you look to the future, like me?

What's wrong with you?

You don't deserve to be forgiven. I only treat you like this because you deserve it. I wouldn't treat you this way if you didn't need discipline.

I'd treat you better if you just tried harder.

It hurts me to love you.

I'm only doing this for your own good.

Comments

[thax.livejournal.com]

Look at that list! It's enormous and full of common things said in frustration. Some are clearly abusive, and others I think are not. It depends on the context.
Just because one has said something on this list doesn't mean one is an abuser. Just because someone said one of these to one doesn't mean one is being abused.
The best thing I think one can get from this list is to consider twice when one is about to say one of these things to check what they really mean. And stopping oneself to "check" is the hardest part.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

You're right about stopping to check what you're saying before you let it out of your mouth. I think it's mostly important to make sure that saying things like this does not become habitual...yeah, sometimes you may really feel that someone is taking something wrong, or being too sensitive, or whatever, but if you're constantly dismissive of someone's feelings, that should be a red flag to both parties. IMHO, it's NEVER OK to hurt someone's feelings, even if what they're getting hurt over doesn't seem to be all that big a deal to you. So even if you feel you didn't say or do anything all that bad, I think it's healthy to react to someone's distress with a very heartfelt regret that you did or said something to upset them, especially if you did not mean to.

all that 'communicate, communicate, communicate' stuff again...*sigh*

Healthy relationships are hard. But totally worth it.