a "unique and powerful evil"

[evile]

I just don't get it.

A few years ago, I ended a 33 year friendship with someone, who ended up telling me what a terrible person and horrible friend I am. This is a person I gave my all to. I saved my disposable income for 2-3 months every year just so I could take the person and their family to an amusement park to celebrate the end of summer and beginning of the school year. I spent another month or two's worth of disposable income taking their oldest child to Las Vegas to see Mystere for the kid's birthday, because it was supposedly the last year Mystere would be playing. I was there for kids' birthdays, Christmas, and various special occasions. I let this person have their Thanksgiving at my house, I spent a ton of time and money and energy on my relationship with them, and at the end I was a bad friend, a cold bitch, a terrible untrustworthy person. WTF WTF WTF!!!!!!

Recently, a person told me I'd been acting 'shitty' to them all weekend. This after I invited them over to my house to cook, drove them here and there, took them to a friends house and spent hours cuddling and petting & talking & laughing with them in my friend's hot tub. How very shitty of me, apparently. Again, I ask: WTF.

I keep finding myself in situations where I'm making what I feel to be a HUGE effort, spending lots of time and money and energy cooking, cleaning, being, doing for people...and it gets thrown back in my face with curses and spittle and accusations of being a bad friend, a bitch, a shitty person, cold, and nasty.

I just don't understand. I am doing my very fucking best to be the kind of friend I'd like to have myself, and it just keeps getting thrown back in my face with venom and resentment.

As my friend J-Law says, apparently mine is a unique and powerful evil.

Comments

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad. I understand that friendship for different people means different things...that life and obligations give you more or less time, energy, money, etc. to devote to various people that are important to you, and I'm happy with whatever people can give me, as long as its given freely and open-heartedly and unbegrudgingly.

I just don't understand why when I give what I can to people I care about, freely and open-heartedly and unbegrudgingly, it is interpreted as me being "shitty" and "cold" and a "bad friend" and "untrustworthy"...are people reading a hesitation there, assuming that I am not giving and doing to/for them with my whole heart? Do they think I'm just trying to show off or rub their noses in what I have and they don't? What am I doing wrong? I just don't understand...

*hugs*

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Aww, honey. That means a LOT. Thanks. I miss you!

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I guess I just feel like I gave the person the best I had to give, and when it was thrown back in my face as 'shit'...that was it. I don't have anything else or anything better to give, my best is 'shit', so why keep trying to give someone something that isn't up to their standard? It was the best I had, it wasn't good enough, why keep trying to give someone something that they don't find acceptable? So I backed way the hell off.

But then that turns out not to be the right thing to do, either.

I don't know what else to do or say. Apparently I am just not good at close friendships.