bad dream, awake early
Feb. 27th, 2026 09:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileI've been having terrible insomnia lately. As with most of the things I'm experiencing here in my 50s, I'm never sure if this is a normal 'person getting older' thing or if it's a result of current events and the time I'm living through. I guess it doesn't really matter. "All humans feel these things at this age" would be more comforting than "yeah, you've got fascism" but at the end of the day, potato potahto, ya know? I feel like shit. I sleep like shit. I feel hopeless and helpless and blah blah blah. I am bored with my own passive-suicidal ideation. Oh, you hate your life and wish you were dead? Shut the fuck up. Make a better life or go fucken die. Quit whining and fuck off with that bullshit. Sick of it.
BUT! we've been developing a somewhat good nighttime ritual: We watch tv, have tea or hot cocoa, go to bed. I've been using sleepytime or the HEB equivalent, I've been trying a patch that is supposed to have helpful vitamins and herbs for sleeping, I'm actually also taking vitamins and herb pills to help with sleeping, and also progesterone lotion and magnesium lotion and sometimes also using these little self warming eye masks at bedtime. I'd like to do less TV but not sure what else I'd do with my evenings at home with my husband that would put us in a relaxed state. (winky winky? lol) Maybe reading actual books in bed for a while, together? I dunno.
So, anyway, I got to bed around 10:30 and was asleep pretty quickly. Woke up around 6:30 in a puddle of sweat. I think the humidity spikes just before dawn and then drops at sunrise, so that my best sleep seems to come after dawn. That would be super annoying if I was working. LOL.
I was having a bad dream. I dreamed that I was helping a friend re-do a collage she had started but left unfinished. Parts of the collage were things that weren't paper and couldn't be glued in (a sprouting coconut, an aluminum pan?) I somehow messed it up (the coconut having to be planted in dirt while still attached to the newspapers and decoupage made everything wet and limp and messy) and she was really mad. I said I was sorry and asked if this meant we weren't friends anymore. She stopped for a second and said no, we are still friends, I am just really mad right now. Thax said something about how I had wasted the day for this project instead of doing whatever things he wanted us to do, he was being very angry and sarcastic and contemptuous --nothing like RL Thax. Friend's husband just gave me a big hug while I fussed about hating myself, while repeating stuff that sounded like it was from a manual on psychology or something? "Hold the subject while reassuring them that they are safe. Continue to hold them tightly. Hold the arms down to prevent self-harm." And then I dreamed something about not having a "live in" kitchen, but a "dying" kitchen. So I woke up thinking I will die in my kitchen someday when the time comes. It wasn't a good dream. having a heart attack and falling down dead in the kitchen? so ironic. Would be a very funny way to go. LOL.
BUT! we've been developing a somewhat good nighttime ritual: We watch tv, have tea or hot cocoa, go to bed. I've been using sleepytime or the HEB equivalent, I've been trying a patch that is supposed to have helpful vitamins and herbs for sleeping, I'm actually also taking vitamins and herb pills to help with sleeping, and also progesterone lotion and magnesium lotion and sometimes also using these little self warming eye masks at bedtime. I'd like to do less TV but not sure what else I'd do with my evenings at home with my husband that would put us in a relaxed state. (winky winky? lol) Maybe reading actual books in bed for a while, together? I dunno.
So, anyway, I got to bed around 10:30 and was asleep pretty quickly. Woke up around 6:30 in a puddle of sweat. I think the humidity spikes just before dawn and then drops at sunrise, so that my best sleep seems to come after dawn. That would be super annoying if I was working. LOL.
I was having a bad dream. I dreamed that I was helping a friend re-do a collage she had started but left unfinished. Parts of the collage were things that weren't paper and couldn't be glued in (a sprouting coconut, an aluminum pan?) I somehow messed it up (the coconut having to be planted in dirt while still attached to the newspapers and decoupage made everything wet and limp and messy) and she was really mad. I said I was sorry and asked if this meant we weren't friends anymore. She stopped for a second and said no, we are still friends, I am just really mad right now. Thax said something about how I had wasted the day for this project instead of doing whatever things he wanted us to do, he was being very angry and sarcastic and contemptuous --nothing like RL Thax. Friend's husband just gave me a big hug while I fussed about hating myself, while repeating stuff that sounded like it was from a manual on psychology or something? "Hold the subject while reassuring them that they are safe. Continue to hold them tightly. Hold the arms down to prevent self-harm." And then I dreamed something about not having a "live in" kitchen, but a "dying" kitchen. So I woke up thinking I will die in my kitchen someday when the time comes. It wasn't a good dream. having a heart attack and falling down dead in the kitchen? so ironic. Would be a very funny way to go. LOL.
