1683dreams

[evile]

Oct. 3, 2003

I dreamt about sineater & skye_ds & their property earlier this week but
forgot to write it down. Basically it was something like a scientist
coming out and finding radioactive material on their land. Instead of
freaking out and leaving, skye_ds was saying something like "No wonder we
got it so cheap" and also saying that she was going to sue the seller
and get the other 8 acres of land out there that she wants. No
concerns about what radioactivity had done to them or their critters,
no talking about leaving. But the scientist guy did find the rocks or
meteors or whatever and there was something about getting enough rain
to wash the radioactivity away(?) Also something about walking
through this very large barn whose entrance began at the entrance of
their property and it had a 'guard house' inside the
entrance, 'perfect for HFS events' or something?

Anyway, I dreamt about them again last night. But I can't remember
what it was. Something with them. Something with me cleaning over-
full litter boxes. I dunno. My brain is always trying to get them all
sussed.
=============
When it comes to everything that actually matters, I have no
integrity, no honesty, no bravery, none of the qualities I like to
imagine I possess.

view:
not being there for the children when their parents were arrested.
Not being able to steel myself to clean their house, or do anything
for them, or give them anythng, or be there for them in any way.

not being there for Pat on Friday night

not being able to listen to Elaine talking about killing herself
without changing the subject

Not being able to articulate any job demands to my boss (they'd just
be ignored, but if you don't ask, the answer is always no)

Not being able to find another job or even look for one consistently

Not being able to get my ablation scheduled. If I had been firm with
Dr. Davis about it at my annual, it might have been done by now. I
want that done & over with before I think seriously about taking a
job where I have no medical insurance, or less than I have now (not
that the crap I have now is even any good, but I guess paying 80% of
my costs is better than paying 100% or whatever)

So I am basically a weak-willed coward, a spineless wimp, a hypocrite
who spouts off about how honest and strong and wilful and dominant I
am, and then doesn't live in a way consistent with the person I
declare myself to be.

It is pretty sucky. I pretty much hate myself as I am, so I guess
that is why I have to lie about who and what I am all the time, and I
guess that is why most of the time I choose to believe myself rather
than do anything to improve what lies beneath the facade.

My lies are probably as pathetic in their own way as skye_ds's re: I
could have had a house like this, I'm going on a diet, I'm going to
exercise, bla bla. And, really, those are small beans compared to me
lying to myself on questions of Character.

and I think I do a fair amount of lying to myself re: diet &
exercise, too. So it's really not fair at all of me to make out that
I'm any better than she is. I'm just as bad, if not worse. Just
better at appearing outwardly normal.