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Why do many of the narcissistic abuse victims on Quora come across like they also have personality disorders? All-or-nothing thinking, victim mentality, self-righteous indignation, and very self-absorbed.

Ever hear the saying “Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas[1] ”?

It’s the same idea when a normal, neurotypical, or un-disordered person spends too much time around disordered sick people. They end up picking up behaviors and patterns of their disordered abuser, as a survival tactic or as a means of trying to get their needs met.

In my experience, the narcissist-codependent combo[2] is a pretty common coupling. Both people have disordered personalities and tend toward the cognitive distortions that you mention. Their push-pull is unhealthy and unhappy but probably pretty familiar due to childhood traumas and upbringing, and therefore fairly stable over time.

There is also the reality of ‘reactive abuse[3] ’…when a person is pushed into a corner and sees no way out of a situation, they can behave explosively and in a very damaging way. To the outside observer who did not see the abuser’s pushing, poking, nagging, needling, pinching, spitting, slapping, etc. that led their victim to finally blow up, freak out, and dish out some punishment, it could certainly appear that the victim was the abuser.

Let me just add here that we are *always* responsible for our own behavior, no matter how ugly, nasty or evil someone else has been to us, no matter whether they started it, did it first, or did it worse….your behavior is always your responsibility. There is no justification for behaving abusively or harming others. It’s very important to differentiate ourselves from narcissists by taking responsibility for our behavior and trying to do better!

Behaving in an abusive, narcissistic fashion can be a learned behavior and it’s always possible that someone who has learned such behavior can also work hard on themselves to un-learn the behavior and do better. It is a process and it can take time. A lot of the people on Quora seem to be using this site as a tool for self understanding and healing, and we are all at a different place in our learning and healing, so, yes, sometimes you’ll see people behaving badly when their base line personality is not actually disordered but very damaged. Over time, it is to be hoped that they will heal and discard these problematic mental habits and behaviors.

In the meantime, it’s helpful to hold people to account for their words and behavior, but not helpful to do so in a blaming, shaming, or name-calling way.

Thanks for your question and your observations. May you grow in health and well-being daily. Take care!

Footnotes

[1]

Fleas — Out of the FOG

[2]

The dance between codependents and narcissists - Counseling Today

[3]

What is Reactive Abuse? Everything You Need to Know | YANA Mental Health

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