evile

How can you not be a victim if a narcissist has psychologically abused you and caused cognitive dissonance?

Well, the truth is that if you are in a relationship where you are being abused, gas-lit, told the abuse is your fault and your responsibility, then yes, you are being abused and you are considered a victim.

However, If you are a man and your abuser is a woman, there are layers of shame and denial that go beyond typical abusive dynamics and lead you to believe that you are the one responsible for the bad parts of the relationship.

Additionally, most abusive relationships do not start that way, and the transition is so gradual that you may not realize how bad things have gotten until you have really entangled your life with the person—children, property ownership, wills and bank accounts and the like. Once you realize how entangled you are, the feelings of ‘stuck’-ness may overcome your impulse to flee, and the forces of denial & cognitive dissonance will kick in and assure you that things aren’t so bad, that whatever happened is your fault and your responsibility, and that surely there is some way to solve this problem and relieve the abuser from their pathological need to abuse.

At this point, it could be argued that the victim is making a choice—if he or she realizes that they are in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, and does not leave, is that not a choice? Perhaps a choice made with bad data or unclear thinking, but still a choice. Is it possible that these folks aren't actually victims once they realize they're being mistreated and choose to stay? Is it possible that the victim gets something out of being victimized, aka ‘playing the martyr’? At that point, is it possible that they become willing participants?

I thought that was a very interesting idea and it's the first time I've seen it broken down that way. Yes, there are childhood issues and social conditioning which make people feel like they somehow "owe" it to friends/family/spouse/boss to put up with crap...but at some point, it's a good idea not to put up with crap any more, for any reasons.

There is a difference between being a victim and choosing to continue to be a victim (aka: Martyr) It is largely a matter of how the person chooses to think of themselves and how they think of their abuser and the situation. In my experience ‘martyrs’ are what some might call ‘professional victim’—yes, they are being mistreated in their relationship but rather than make choices to become healthy and end the situation, they use the fact of their abuse to manipulate other people and evade responsibility.

Victim vs Martyr
Usually has short-term problem :Long-term problem
Motivated to change : Stuck in their problem
Rights violated by others : Rights violated by others
Did not choose the problem : Chooses to remain in problem situation
Never complains : Complains all the time
Lacks insight into problem : Frequently has insight into the problem
Unknowingly plays an active part in the problem : Frequently knowingly plays an active part in the problem
Doesn't often seek help : Seeks help all the time
Wants to let go of the problem : Holds on to the problem
Guilt free : Guilt driven
Solution oriented : Problem oriented
Powerless due to lack of knowledge : Powerless out of a free will choice to be so
Unique problem : Habitual problems
Sincere desire to change : Mask of sincerity
Honest to self and others about the problem :Dishonest to self and others about the desire to change
Hesitant to get help : Seeks out help habitually
Reticent to talk about problem : Relishes the attention received in talking about the problem
Embarrassed about the problem : Wears problem as a badge of courage (purple heart)
Wants a quick solution to their crisis : Creates crises out of everything but blocks all solutions
Open to all new ideas : Holds a "yes, but" attitude to all new ideas

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