evile

Jul. 15, 2004

Developing Emotional Intelligence.
Top Ten Suggestions
from a website by Steve Hein

1. Label your feelings, rather than labeling people or situations.
"I feel impatient." vs "This is ridiculous."
"I feel hurt and bitter". vs. "You are an insensitive jerk."
"I feel afraid." vs. "You are driving like a idiot."

2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
Thoughts: I feel like...& I feel as if.... & I feel that
Feelings: I feel: (feeling word)

3. Take more responsibility for your feelings.
"I feel jealous." vs. "You are making me jealous."

4. Use your feelings to help them make decisions.
"How will I feel if I do this?" "How will I feel if I don't"

5. Show respect for other people's feelings.
Ask "How will you feel if I do this?" "How will you feel if I don't."

6. Feel energized, not angry.
Use what others call "anger" to help feel energized to take
productive action.

7. Validate other people's feelings.
Show empathy, understanding, and acceptance of other people's
feelings.

8. Practice getting a positive value from their your emotions.
Ask yourself: "How do I feel?" and "What would help me feel better?"
Ask others "How do you feel?" and "What would help you feel better?"

9. Don't advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to
others.
Instead, try to just listen with empathy and non-judgment.

10. Avoid people who invalidate you. While this is not always
possible, at least try to spend less time with them,
or give them psychological power over you.

* First, thanks to Stephen Covey for the title idea. Second, these 10
habits are based on a mixture of my defintion of EQ and the more
academic definition of emotional intelligence offered by John Mayer
and his research colleagues.

Copyright 2002 Steve Hein, May be copied for educational uses.