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evilemess of being the one to tell him that A. had dumped him, and
then it turns out that she hadn't really told him yet, and she didn't
really consider them to be quits...even though when I wrote to
say 'sorry y'all broke up' he was all like 'yeah, well, I'll live'...
ANYHOO, apparently A. was/is giving me the Silent Treatment.I didn't
know until Kaleon said something. Not very effective when she doesn't
interact with me much anyway, even if she's not pissed at me.
:) I used to hate the Silent Treatment with a passion, but what the
fuck, it hardly matters.
Anyway, we had a good talk, and Kaleon saw the pattern with the 19
year old 'virgins' and how irrational she is & how she sets up the
relationship to fail, sets up confrontations with the 'old' to make
the 'new' come and rescue her & create excitement with the 'new',
backs people into a corner so they can only react in the worst
possible way.
And he really missed the 'good times' when she treated him 'like a
god' and doesn't blame the new lover at all for getting sucked in to
her mess, because she 'worships' her new one, he can do no wrong, she
does whatever he wants or even hints that he wants, and he really
missed that.
He missed being adored, he missed being needed. He is tired of
fighting. and realizing that he and A. don't bring out the best
in each other.
He was very honest in saying that if she calls him up, even after all
the shit, he may go back to her. And I can understand that, even if
it makes me sad for him. Hopefully here in this lull I can introduce
him to the PNO crowd and get him in a better frame of mind to
recognize that he doesnt' deserve abuse, he deserves a nice person to
help him feel good about himself.
*sigh* And while giving him the 'you can't rescue everyone' lecture,
I am realizing that I'm the biggest hypocrite--here I am trying to
rescue him. But he has done the biggest part for himself--realized
that it was an unhealthy relationship and decided to go on with his
life without her.
He said that in the past A. has said all kinds of terrible things
about me...I'd be interested in knowing what those were. Not that it
really matters; consider the source. She is a fucking nut.
He also said that A said X was sitting in E's lap at the
Decemberween party...which, I don't think she was, I think she just
sat in Pace's lap...But I can always get the video from Ben if I
really want to know. I wonder if her vision of reality is so
distorted that she actually thinks she remembers X sitting on
E, or if she just said that to manipulate Kaleon into being angry
with X and E.
He told me that in the past, he's seen her whip E with horse
reins, for something minor, that he 'didn't deserve that'...well,
FUCK, nobody deserves that. I really wanted to kill her when he told
me that. I am protective (eric would say overprotective) and that
just makes me sick and angry and...incredibly fucking sad. And that's
not anything I can share with A or Mom or E's father...because they'd
give up even attempting to be polite to A. for the sake of family
peace, and all it would accomplish is alienating E from any
potential source of help or sanity. It's so goddamned hard.
Anyway...she is an unhappy person who abuses herself at least as much
as she abuses those around her, which doesn't excuse the behavior,
but at least makes it pitiable. If I can keep myself from
remembering/thinking about her hitting E and slapping Kaleon and
basically giving as good as she gets in the abuse department.
1098 bizarre
Date: 2020-02-11 06:21 pm (UTC)From: me
To: A
Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 06:31:49 -0600 (CST)
I am really ...sorry...embarassed...distressed...to be once again
smack in the middle of something that is none of my business and why
the FUCK Can't I keep my damn mouth shut...
I am really sorry.
E told me "[Kaleon] is pretty much gone. He can't be relied upon to
show up and be civil to anyone"...and that is pretty much a verbatim
quote.
But nonetheless, I should have just kept it to myself and gone on
with my own life.
I don't know if you noticed or got any of them, but I was sending out
little "Hey, here's stuff I'm doing, if you're interested in doing
any of it with me" email things every week to you, E, and Kaleon.
None of y'all ever wrote me back, so I have no idea.
But I guess I was mostly concerned with whether or not I should try
and include Kaleon in anything I wanted to do with y'all. And that
came out pretty wrong.
Anyhoo...I have no idea if you're mad at me and doing the silent
treatment or just busy, but I figured I'd let you know I am feeling
stupid for putting my foot in it.
Thanks again for coming to our party--everyone had a really nice
time.
-E
====================================================
Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 13:04:52 +0000
From: Skye DreamSinger
To: me
Subject: Re:
Today would have been our six year anniversary together, oh well. I
don't know where this is coming from, but I can hypothesize that
Kaleon has said something to upset you. He loves guilt tripping.
If ever you want fodder to write a soap opera, "As the Stomach
Churns" or whatever, I will tell you about the hell I went through
and back for Kaleon's sake. I have only been suicidal once in my
life, and that was because of something Kaleon did. Eric literally
kept me alive for three months. And I just can't do it again.
It has nothing to do with you, no matter what kind of guilt trip he
tries to lay on you. It's all him. If you want me to tell you the
whole sordid story, I will. But please, believe me, it has nothing
to do with you.
I also don't want to burden you with all the woes I've suffered since
the party, which was lovely, and thank you for having us, and
particularly Arthur. Those woes don't have anything to do with you
either. I've discovered that when I am out of control (PMS or
otherwise) it's better to stay away from people that I love, so that
I don't subject them to stuff.
Yes, I spend most of my time mad now, actually, going back and forth
between mad and depressed, but it hasn't got anything to do with you,
and that's why I try to keep it away from you.
I'm really sorry that you ended up sick at party :-(. I would have
tried to help you feel better, except there were already people
hovering, and I didn't think more hovering, from inept me who didn't
know what to do to make anything better, would help. I've been told
that if you drink lots of water at the same time that you're drinking
alcohol, that you don't get sick. That's the extent of my knowledge
right there, and I don't even know if that's true or not, I mean, it
sounds logical, but having not been there and done that, I don't
know, really. And, that being a preventative measure, might not have
done squat as a cure.
And Kaleon IS pretty much gone, because he can't stop attacking me.
And, that's been the case pretty much for the last year or so since
he moved down here. I don't really understand why, after all we've
been through together and all we meant to each other, that he would
rather be combative, confrontational, keep score, and hoard up things
to throw at me (untrue things might I add, although that doesn't seem
to bother him), than be with me. Makes me feel kind of worthless,
truth be told. He says he loves me and always will, but, to me, love
doesn't do any of those things...not for years on end. I've always
liked the definition of love from First Corinthians. To me, it
complements what my Book of Ways says about love. I don't have much
use for Paul or most of what he wrote, but he got that one right.
I really appreciate your going out of your way to accept Kaleon as
part of my family, you had no reason to do so, other than generosity
and understanding on your part. Particularly after how badly things
went when you two first met. I have always been surprised, given the
things he has always said about you, and the things you initially
said about him, that any neutrality was possible between you at all,
even an armed one, much less that you could be gracious toward him (I
wouldn't have been in your shoes).
Let me observe this about someone that I thought was my other half
for six years, because you might find it useful in your dealings with
him.
He likes to feel sorry for himself. He likes to throw temper
tantrums.
Now, I can handle sorrow. I can handle anger. I do not attend pity
parties and temper tantrums. Thanks, but no thanks. I prefer my
sister in law's parties ;-).
He likes to wallow, and his misery loves company, so he'd be more
than happy to drag you down into the mire to wallow with him, if
you're not careful.
Once upon a time, he would do this, and I would try once a day, three
days in a row, to be supportive, cheer him up, whatever. After three
days if he persisted I would tell him, I can't deal with you like
this, I'm going to take a break and be back when you're done.
That used to work.
Now three days turns into three weeks, turns into three months, I'm
broken myself, I can't heal myself, much less heal him all the time,
I go away, I come back, and he's still doing it, no matter how much
time I've given it. And that, is pretty much that.
Benedizioni chiari e scuri,
Skye DreamSinger
*********
May the Road rise to meet you,
May the Wind be always at your back,
May the Sun shine warmly on your face,
May the Rain fall softly on your fields,
Until we meet again, may the Lady hold you always in the palm of Her
hand.
1099 bizarre
Date: 2020-02-11 06:23 pm (UTC)Jan. 3, 2003
Some very nice 'hoovering' and it truly had not occurred to me that
Kaleon was clever enough to be that manipulative, but maybe he is...I
am fairly susceptible to a sob story, I've seen the way she treats
him and the way she treats E., and his story pretty much backed up
what I've seen for myself.
I am more inclined to believe him than to believe her, but she's
right, they're both damaged & likely to try & spin things to their
advantage.
And as for all of this 'the Kaleon & I you didn't get along when you
first met' nonsense...feh and double feh.
the first time she brought him to my house & then we went to Kerbey
Ln, she ignored him the whole evening. Not being 'up' on how to
treat someone's poly OSO, I followed her lead and ignored him
too, which apparently really hurt his feelings (well, duh).
Anyhow...whatever.
1100 bizarre
Date: 2020-02-11 06:27 pm (UTC)Jan. 3, 2003
my reply, tentative. HOld and re-examine,then edit & send tonight:
--------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I'm not feeling "guilt" as such, just embarassed that I didn't
keep E's confidence and that it caused bad feeling between you and
E, you and Kaleon, and possibly you and Me. Which could have all
been avoided if I'd just kept my mouth shut. One trial learning has
never been my strong suit. But as far as feeling "guilt" like I am
at fault, or responsible for the breakup, no. Whatever was going bad
between you and Kaleon was already bad and I don't think I made it any
worse.
Ultimately, it's none of my business, and probably healthier for all
concerned that you are both moving on with your lives.
>If ever you want fodder to write a soap opera, "As the Stomach
>Churns" or whatever, I will tell you about the hell I went through
>and back for Kaleon's sake. I have only been suicidal once in my
>life, and that was because of something Kaleon did. E literally
>kept me alive for three months. And I just can't do it again.
If you want an ear or a shoulder, I'd be glad to listen, but it's up
to you if you want to talk about it. I've noticed that when you talk
about old hurts, they seem to hurt you again just as if they were
new. So...it may be therapeutic for you to talk it out and it may
just serve to distress you anew. I don't want you to distress
yourself needlessly. If you need to talk about it, I'm here. If you
prefer to work through things on your own and come out of your shell
when you're feeling better, I understand that, too. I *totally*
understand the feeling of being mad and sad and not wanting to
inflict myself on people I care about.
>I'm really sorry that you ended up sick at party :-(. I would have
>tried to help you feel better, except there were already people
>hovering, and I didn't think more hovering, from inept me who didn't
>know what to do to make anything better, would help.
I am so very glad you didn't hover. Even in my impaired state, I felt
embarassed to be that bad off and didn't really want people looking
at me. When I'm sick, with alcohol or otherwise, I generally want to
be left alone. You did exactly what I would have wanted you to do,
had I been able to express it: just stuck around to enjoy the company
& the conversation. I'm really sorry I missed it...X and D told me
I missed some interesting stuff. We're talking about having another
party in Spring sometime, maybe a masquerade like Rengeek's, in honor
of Mardi Gras or April Fools Day or some such. It'll depend on
finances & what else is going on around that time. I'll keep ya
posted :)
>And Kaleon IS pretty much gone, because he can't stop attacking me.
>And, that's been the case pretty much for the last year or so since
>he moved down here. I don't really understand why, after all we've
>been through together and all we meant to each other, that he would
>rather be combative, confrontational, keep score, and hoard up
things
>to throw at me (untrue things might I add, although that doesn't
seem
>to bother him), than be with me. Makes me feel kind of worthless,
>truth be told. He says he loves me and always will, but, to me, love
>doesn't do any of those things...not for years on end. I've always
>liked the definition of love from First Corinthians. To me, it
>complements what my Book of Ways says about love. I don't have much
>use for Paul or most of what he wrote, but he got that one right.
I think that part was cribbed from an older source, and not nasty ol'
misogynist facist Paul at all. But that's just me and my crackpot
biblical theory talking :)
I am sorry that you feel 'worthless' for whatever reasons. You are
not at all worthless, you are worthy & deserving of real caring &
affection. If I thought you were worthless, I wouldn't keep trying so
hard to make sure we understand each other & remain on speaking
terms. You have your faults, as every human does...but nobody
deserves to be abused by the people they should be able to trust and
love the most.
>
Right back atcha, babe!
Take care of you, and let me know if you want to vent or just want to
hang out, or need hugs, or whatever (we still haven't been to
Sephora!) I'd like to learn how to be supportive without butting
in/controlling/busy-bodying, so I'd be appreciative of any chances to
hone my skills in that direction :)
XO!
=E