I am so pissed over this email. I sent what I hope is a very very
nice reply to something that seems pretty much calculated to piss me
the fuck off:
I can't tell you enough how sorry I am. I never meant to upset you. I
have since spoken with J and Asheley, and both girls said that
they didn't hear me say that. I should have been more careful.
However if we are going to be nitpicky you have on many occasion told
me in J's presence how you wouldn't put up with what her mommy
has put up with in regards to her father. If you want to be pissed at
me that is fine. Be pissed. There isn't anything I can do to change
your mind and show you how I was just tired and said an inappropriate
thing. As far as your expansive knowledge in Psychology and what a
12/13 year old can grasp, I have to defer to you. I am not as
educated as you and basically have had to rely on my instincts when
it comes to child rearing. I spend alot of time with youth. I have
been trained to deal with adolescents and you are correct that they
could have misconstrued what I said. I have already apologized to
you, I said a stupid thing and hurt your feelings badly enough that
you did what A did at her bachelorette party, and you didn't say
anything to me until you had been able to work yourself into a
lather, and be really mad at me. I guess I deserve it.
At this point, E, I am tired of this mess. I have many more
things that I need to focus my energy on, and I try very hard not to
be angry with people, and I go out of my way to avoid confrontation.
I love you very much, and your friendship is priceless. However I
can't spend the rest of my life kissing your butt. I guess I am not
surprised by this anger of yours, after what you told Asheley about
vengeance and revenge being a good thing for people ( that isn't an
exact quote, but it is the message she got from it). I considered
that very inappropriate to tell a child. You have validated for her
any time that she feels, that getting even is the way to go. ( I
considered erasing that because of the bithchyness of the remark and
decided against it as it is a good example in my opinion). I don't
want to fight with you, and I know you will find reason to be angrier
with me in this letter. Our friendship is in your hands. I will
always be here, but I will always be me. I will sometimes say things
that I think are harmless, and yet I harm, I will continue to say
what I think and feel. I will be honest with my friends, and not bite
my tongue when I feel they need honesty. Hell, sometimes I won't even
think if they need the honesty and I will say it anyway. this in no
way means that I meant whatever it was I said that upset you as a
truth. I don't think that Tom is inadequate or wrong for you, but I
do think that you complain about itty - bitty things about him way to
frequently, and I almost never hear the positive things, but I have
also told myself that you probably aren't making these same
complaints to other people, but tell them to me because I am a
friend. I will probably continue to share ideas and conversations
with my children that some may deem inappropriate. I will continue to
be human and make mistakes. After 32 years take me as I am, or don't
take me at all.
I can only say again that I am sorry. and if you would like to end
our friendship over my poorly thought out comments, then what could I
do to stop you? You will do what you want to. If you think that you
are going to be mad forever about this, then let me know. I can then
prepare for my life without you in it. I get the feeling you don't
want me there anyway. I wouldn't want to remain in a friendship with
someone where I feel I can't talk to them about my life, and you now
feel that you can't discuss Tom with me. You don't have to "fix"
anything with me. I am not mad at you, but I just can't waste my time
by walking on eggshells with someone that I thought I had a good
understanding of who we really are. I thought we were beyond
pettiness, I at least had hoped that we were.
-X
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evile
658 Re: Ugliness with X
Date: 2019-11-09 03:49 pm (UTC)Jun. 27, 2002
What the FUCK is wrong with that fucking woman?
calling me SIL and threatening to end our
friendship? I am so goddamned tempted to just let her
have it with both fucking barrels. Using me for what I
can give and do, using me for babysitting, never
calling just to say HI, but always calling when she
needs something, and then telling ME I'm a bad friend.
God damn god damn. We have known each other our whole
lives, but I am seriously considering ending our
friendship. Not because of what happened Saturday, but
because of her hypocrital "You can always talk to me
about anything, I want you to be honest" and then
blasting me when I AM honest.
anyway, here's what I wrote in response to her vicious
little piece of shit email:
================================================
Subject: I am not mad and you dont' have to 'kiss'
anything.
I am just telling you that Tom and/or his faults will
not be a topic of conversation for us anymore. Not in
front of your kids, and not in public, especially. I
am sorry that you think all I do is complain about
him, and I am thankful that you pointed it out. I
won't do it anymore.
I don't want you to kiss my butt, and I am not mad at
you. I wanted a clarification. I just didn't get your
'joke' and it hurt my feelings.
I am most certainly not willing to end our friendship,
and I am distressed that you seem to be willing to
chuck it over something you have given me permission
to do, which is let you know when you've hurt my
feelings, and try to clarify what I think you meant
when the hurt is caused by misunderstanding.
Comparing me to psycho beast E's wife was an
extremely low blow, and I don't appreciate it. I did
not 'work myself into a lather'. I stood back, got
calm, and asked you quite nicely what you meant by
what you said and wanted an honest answer. Which is
quite different than crazy woman making up stuff
that didn't happen and freaking out.
I don't know where you get your assumptions about me
trying to shove you out of my life, or whatever. You
are busy with 3 kids and a husband and their
activities, and your own activities. You don't seem to
have much time for me these days, and I try to
understand even though I miss you sometimes. I accept
that you don't have much room for me in your life just
now, and I am grateful when we can spend whatever time
you have together. As we said on Saturday, long time
friendships are golden in that you can not see someone
for a day or a year, and the friendship and love are
always there when you do touch bases again.
There needs to be no ass kissing or walking on
eggshells. I consider us to have reached an
understanding on the matter of Tom/devil's advocate,
and I have decided how to proceed in that area. I am
not mad at you (except for calling me Andrea, but
that's so laughable, I'll be over that momentarily), I
love you dearly, and I am grateful for the brief
amounts of time we get to spend together these days. I
am looking forward to being old with you. If you think
this is worth ending our friendship over, I will
respect your wishes, but I disagree.
--- X wrote:
I never said that I wanted to end anything, but your
tone indicated that you might. I only said that it
was your choice. I said repeatedly that I will
always be here. Sorry if you felt that was a
low-blow re: Andrea, but that is how it came across
to me. I apologized about my comment, you said that
the topic was over, then you wrote me again to talk
about what I should or shouldn't say in front
children. You are the one that complained about Tom
in front of everyone, I just commented on that
complaint.
I will always be your friend, but I get tired of
having to defend myself sometimes, and there is no
one in the world as critical of me as you are. I am
only upsetting myself with this, I can't help
thinking of all the times you have made comments
regarding me that were derogatory, because I will
choose to stay home with my husband rather than go
out. You made your choice to live your life
child-free, and I know that you are not crazy about
doing "kid" stuff, which is pretty much what my life
is about. And I like my life. Very much. I am
respected in my community, I have a happy marriage,
I adore my children. I don't feel as though I have
sacrificed being my own person to cater to a family,
actually they have helped me to find an identity
that I fit into. I know that this has nothing to do
with my upsetting you about Tom, but you have said
that by not resolving things with Andrea that you
can't move forward. I now am feeling similarly. I
don't want to have a rehashing of all the harms we
have done to one another. We would have to go back
to my biting you when we were toddlers, and I'm sure
that I have been a far more offensive friend to you
than you have to me. I guess I am just trying to say
that sometimes people say things that hurt other
people. We have done it to each other, but on this
last occasion I REALLY meant no harm. And I have had
to feel like shit for hurting your feelings
inadvertently. As far as the "lather" comment, by
not asking me for clarification when we were
together, (maybe out in the car, or when we were
standing by the books) you did give yourself the
opportunity to mull it around and try whatever spin
you wanted on it, then you became upset and placed a
limit on our friendship, to me it seemed to come
from out of the blue, much like Andrea did, not the
same, but there are similarities. If you had said
something to me, even in front of the girls, it
would have given me the opportunity for
clarification, the girls would have learned how
adults work out a misunderstanding ( as well as
clearing up any misunderstanding they might have had
by what I said), and you would not have had to have
gotten so upset. It would have been nipped in the
bud so to speak. Now we are at a point where you
think I am trying to "chuck" our friendship, and I
am unhappy and defensive. I am glad that you have
decided how to proceed in the area of discussing
your "sweetie" with me. Now how are we suppose to
proceed in the area of us? I at first was just
feeling sorry for upsetting you and angry at myself
for so stupidly hurting you, but now I am upset.
Upset at the tone, upset that you don't trust me
enough to not be hurtful to you, upset that I have
had to spend so much time with that dreaded "oh my
God! E hates me" feeling in the pit of my
stomach. I dwell on that sort of thing. I hate
making the people I love unhappy. I love you more
than most others. I have felt crummy over this, and
now that I have thought it over there was no reason
for this. You just needed to talk to me then. I know
that we can come to some sort of resolution, I know
we will. I just don't know for sure where to begin.
And I don't know where you get your assumptions that
I thought you were trying to shove me out of your
life. All I said was that if you were upset enough
to not want to deal with me and my thoughtless
comments then it was a choice that you would be
making. I am not going anywhere. I will always love
you. I will always think that you are an awesome
person, and anyone is lucky to be cared about by
you. You are very "true blue". You have always been
there for me. And I appreciate it very much. But
right now, I am hurt and angry. But I am not waiting
and mulling over any of your comments, I am
addressing them now. Hopefully for speedy
resolution. If I waited, I would not gain insight,
only distress. Although I already am distressed. I'm
at a loss. you say that you are not mad, but your
words in these emails read as someone that is angry
with me. If you have any ideas on what we should do
next, I am open to your suggestions. Again I say to
you that I will always be your friend. I am just
afraid that we are now at a point where we can no
longer speak honestly with each other.
-X
659Re: Ugliness with Xtal
Date: 2019-11-09 03:51 pm (UTC)Jun. 27, 2002
me and Jen on ICQ:
jendewitt2000: *hug* I am so sorry about the X sitch. Who knew
it would turn into A kafka-esque re-write of every Shakespeare
tragedy and French farce.
jendewitt2000: I really can't believe it. It is just so bizarre.
evile: Gosh, I am such a shitty friend. Nobody should have to put up
with a person who is always there when you need money or babysitting,
takes you and your fam to amusement parks, takes you to Vegas and
treats you to shows. Shameful! What a rotten bitch I am to keep doing
these things to her and her family.
jendewitt2000: What can I say. Yours is a unique and powerful evil.
660 Re: Ugliness with X
Date: 2019-11-09 03:53 pm (UTC)Jun. 27, 2002
So I guess the deal is that X is doing a SIL-like thing of her
own: "I am honest and I say what I think, and I don't care if it
hurts anyone's feelings, that's just the way I am and if you don't
like it you can leave. But YOU have to do things and say things when
and where *I* say it's appropriate, or else you're being a bad,
dishonest friend"
I was thinking about laying out the whole "I'm feeling used" thing
and see what she thinks, if she is sorry, if she wants to try harder
to just be friends instead of using me for what I can do/give her and
her family, but I am thinking a) now is not the time and b) she might
not care that I am percieving things that way, and might be jollying
me along and making nice for what she can get out of me, anyway.
There may not even be a real friendship here to save. I will never
know unless I ask. I will not ask now.
And it may be that I can sidestep the whole issue by just backing
out/flaking/etc. on each obligation as it comes up, and not
committing myself to any further using.
1. Fiesta TX- "I don't have much $ left over to treat the kids to
drinks and goodies at the park, can you and M help out with that?"
2. Thanksgiving/bday - "Tom's 10 yr High School reunion is that
weekend, so I will be attending that with him"
3. Vegas - "Mystere tickets have gotten a bit more pricey, and I
can't find any really good deals on airfare. Truthfully, I can only
afford to take J. If you still want to come, I can cover our room,
but that's about it."