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Mar. 29th, 2026 02:08 amSaw a post this evening from the last good place I worked, the contract that ended Feb 2025 and for various fucked up reasons did not take the permanent full time job there (my temp agency recruiter told me the company had 'decided to go a different direction' and it would be another 6 month contract which I'd have to interview for again) and on that info, I accepted a 6 month remote contract (that ended up being a clusterfuck that ended early due to those people being disorganized and their stuff not being ready to go live)....and then once I'd accepted that contract, got an offer for the full time permanent role I thought didn't exist due to misinfo from my temp agency recruiter...and for whatever reason, felt I had to keep my word to my other temp agency. stupid, stupid, stupid stupid stupid.
I've been kicking myself in the ass for over a year for making those stupid, self-sabotaging, idiotic decisions, for feeling obligated to keep my word (to someone/person/agency/job who obviously placed little to no value on me) over making the best decision for my own self and my own future. It's the place my brain goes to night after weary fucked up night, that keeps me up until 3 or 4 in the morning, beating and berating myself endlessly and knowing that there's not a fucking thing I can do to go back in time and fix it.
And, for all I know, I'm blacklisted at the company for not accepting their perm/full time offer.
But, I can get some decent sleep I will take the time tomorrow to apply to the job and see what happens. I'd like to quit fucking myself over. I'd like to be working and bringing in money again.
The commute wasn't my favorite, but it was at least a hybrid role that gave me mondays and fridays at home, and for the kind of money they pay, it's worth the drive.
Anyway....maybe by writing it down and getting it out I will finally be able to rest. :/ My pillows are all uncomfortable, I'm hot, my stomach hurts, and my right ankle is hurting as always. I did fuckall with my day today. I just don't use my time well at all.
I've been kicking myself in the ass for over a year for making those stupid, self-sabotaging, idiotic decisions, for feeling obligated to keep my word (to someone/person/agency/job who obviously placed little to no value on me) over making the best decision for my own self and my own future. It's the place my brain goes to night after weary fucked up night, that keeps me up until 3 or 4 in the morning, beating and berating myself endlessly and knowing that there's not a fucking thing I can do to go back in time and fix it.
And, for all I know, I'm blacklisted at the company for not accepting their perm/full time offer.
But, I can get some decent sleep I will take the time tomorrow to apply to the job and see what happens. I'd like to quit fucking myself over. I'd like to be working and bringing in money again.
The commute wasn't my favorite, but it was at least a hybrid role that gave me mondays and fridays at home, and for the kind of money they pay, it's worth the drive.
Anyway....maybe by writing it down and getting it out I will finally be able to rest. :/ My pillows are all uncomfortable, I'm hot, my stomach hurts, and my right ankle is hurting as always. I did fuckall with my day today. I just don't use my time well at all.
