(no subject)

 did not sleep well or comfortably last night; dogs squishing me out of the bed, ankle and knee pain, congested and headachey....and then the dreams were.... just wierd. First I was on a date? or meeting someone? turned out he was a big star wars Empire fan boy and his place was all done up in black furniture and red neon lighting. As soon as I saw his space, I got red flags and knew I wasn't safe and needed to leave. I asked where the bathroom was, and it was normal. (like he'd never used it so it was pretty much however it was when he moved in, generic white towels, etc.)  and then I tried to leave but ended up in some kind of maze like parking garage. Aunt L. showed up and was trying to help me find my car. Which was the Tercel she gave me when I was in college. I remember being a little distressed because there wasn't a key fob with a 'panic' button I could hit so the car would honk and I could find it.  We went to this dead end alleyway and it was all enclosed in wire mesh and there was this...metallic robot snake trying to fly/jump up and attack/electrocute us, but it couldn't get to us because of the cage. We crawled through an ice tunnel and finally found the car. I don't remember anything else about that dream.

another dream: my mom was driving us around in the VW vanagon we had when I was in high school. It was me, Thax, Flavio, and Alex. She dropped us off at this shop that was full of essential oils and rocks and stuff (a witch shop/head shop, I guess?) but it was also full of dogs, kind of like greyhounds. They were leashed and tied at several places in the store so that if you went to try on a particular fragrance they'd block you and want attention. Nothing vicious or violent in the feel of it, just nuisancy. And I think there was a comic book store in teh same strip mall so Flavio had gone there. He was in his black gentlemanly Steampunk outfit. The one we buried him in...I guess it was good to see him again but we didn't interact much.  The location of these shops is a very specific place here in Austin, the 'creekside square' shopping center on Anderson. Of course, it doesn't have a witch shop or a comic book shop in real life. It used to have a pretty cool bead store called Nomadic Notions, and a really good mexican food place with custom  stamped leather menus. It was pricey for a town full of texmex, but not nearly as pricey as the atmosphere would suggest it should be.  now it's a jack alens kitchen, blecch.

Anyhooo....I stayed in bed until almost noon. Little dog snuggled with me but brother A. took the two bigger dogs out for a walk. I did get out of bed to pee and feed dogs and start laundry but then I went and laid around some more. feeling very depressed and unpeopley and unmotivated.

I came out to put things in the dryer and go ahead and wash,d ress, and do humany things today. Housemate Sam was in her chair in the living room, brother A. was on the couch checking his phone. I said something about how I have to get up and get going and she said "no you don't, you can just stay in your pajamas all day' (like she does) .....I wanted to say something rude and tacky but I did not. I just said "no, I can't let depression win!" and went on about my business. 

But, seriously, how the fuck does she think things stay even vaguely cleanish and orderlyish around here? Thax works, he's allowed to come home and flop out and be lazy and dirty all weekend.  I am really the only person in this house who plans, shops for, and makes meals. If the toilet gets scrubbed, it's me doing that, if the sink or tub get clean at all, that's me. If there's dusting or vacuuming or dishes or laundry (Ok, Sam does her own laundry and so does A.) it's ME doing it. we don't have fucking house elves. I was stunned and offended by her comment. No, I dont suppose I 'have to' wash and dress and get the fu ck out of bed every day and do something to try and stem the tide of filth and chaos in my home, but I also know I'd just be even more depressed and miserable if I didn't do those things. The dirt and dog stink and clutter don't help my mental health. And I know her room stinks from out in the hall, so I'm betting the cat boxex and clutter in her own space aren't helping her state of mind any, either. But if she wants to stay in PJS all day every day and stay in bed for most of the time and only shower every 4 or 5 days, that's her business. It's not how I care to live and she benefits from the work I do, even if she doesn't notice or acknowlege it. I don't keep my h ouse spotless and stink free by any means but I do try and do something every day But it occurred to me today that I need to probably spend one day a week out of the house, doing *something* that is not cooking, cleaning, job hunting, or rattling around in my house.   But also not spending money. So....maybe long walks at a park or greenbelt with the dogs, or something. while the weather isn't trying to kill us.

I am fucking depressed. I understand at this moment why my ex kept talking bout burning the house down and starting over. I understand his feelings. I am not going to do anything drastic or crazy. Someday I'll be sad that I didn't use all of this free time in a better way.