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Dec. 2nd, 2024 02:11 pmA friend is trying to get together a group of white women to read a book and talk about racism & feminism in America, specifically white women and their racism and internalized misogyny that ends up excluding women of color and other women from 'the feminist struggle' or...whatever, ya know.
here is one reply to the book she recommended:
I’m curious to know if this book shames people for being white? I’ve just found that seems to be a common theme around “white privilege” and I have a hard time getting on board with that. I refuse to grovel or beg for forgiveness for the color of my skin, just as it would be wrong to ask POC’s to do that. I’m all for equality, but not at the expense of bringing others down. I’m all about lifting all of us up.
and
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my response:
I cannot roll my eyes big enough, hard enough, or loudly enough to respond to any critique of social justice that begins with "they want me to be ashamed of my [race/gender/privilege]!!!"
I mean, yeah, that false narrative probably caused a lot of young men to vote against their own interests because they have an idea that feminism, or a strong and competent woman in charge of the country, is somehow a rebuke against maleness....it's a knee jerk, immature response that only harms oneself.
When someone tells you that your behavior, thoughts, attitudes, and words are harmful, racist, sexist, 'privileged' etc...they are offering you some grace. They are offering you a chance to look at yourself honestly and FIX YOUR SHIT. They are telling you that they VALUE the connection and also think you have some things to work on.
They are not writing books or making posts or proposing legislation to 'make you ashamed' or 'attack' you...they are saying "hey, we are trying to have an equitable society/relationship/organization here, can you please examine your behavior and the underlying beliefs and see if you can see where it's a problem for people who are not like you, when you think and believe and behave in these ways?"
If you've ever been in a toxic relationship, you know that at some point, if the toxicity isn't addressed and fixed, the next step is resentment, silence, and distance. The door closes. The connection ends. Those connections won't fix themselves, we have to work to maintain and improve our relationships and our society and ourselves.
No one is 'attacking' you.. No one is trying to make you feel 'shame'....they are saying their truth and their lived experience. If you aren't the person who directly harmed them they aren't taking you, personally, to task for it. But if you have engaged in such behavior with others, maybe it's time to self examine and make amends if you can. If that person didn't just offer silence and distance in the face of your toxicity.
I guess....in other words...stop centering yourself in everyone's struggle for racial, gender, etc. equality. it's not about YOU and your FEEFEES. It's about creating a more fair world for everyone.
I am really just too angry and sharp to interact with other white women these days. I just don't have it in me to lead anyone patiently to a place where they can acknowledge their privilege honestly and open their eyes and ears to other people's stories without going "oh poor me, everyone is blaming meeeee for their problems!"...
this btw, definitely hits up against some of the more problematic 'family of origin' bullshit I've had to deal with....calling out people for being awful leads to them doing big drama and somehow you end up caretaking the people who have harmed you for hurting their feelings by calling them out on it....it's so fucked up and I just can't. I can't. fuckem. I can't. I won't.
here is one reply to the book she recommended:
I’m curious to know if this book shames people for being white? I’ve just found that seems to be a common theme around “white privilege” and I have a hard time getting on board with that. I refuse to grovel or beg for forgiveness for the color of my skin, just as it would be wrong to ask POC’s to do that. I’m all for equality, but not at the expense of bringing others down. I’m all about lifting all of us up.
and
I’m interested in reading the book. I hope it gives a clear definition and examples of exactly what white provelige is so I can better understand it.
My feeling on the matter is that EVERYONE, regardless of skin color, has privileges and disadvantages, and that playing the comparison game is a slippery slope. My concern is that having an “us vs them” mentality perpetuates this “grass is always greener” mentality that doesn’t actually solve the problem of racism.
Further, some of the most racist people I know are people of color and minorities. I wonder if people aligning with these ideas of privilege exclude themselves from the equation, shirking any responsibility to behave better themselves, or instead put all of the responsibility on “white” or non minority people?
These questions aren’t geared towards you, but rather, towards the movement as a whole.
my response:
I cannot roll my eyes big enough, hard enough, or loudly enough to respond to any critique of social justice that begins with "they want me to be ashamed of my [race/gender/privilege]!!!"
I mean, yeah, that false narrative probably caused a lot of young men to vote against their own interests because they have an idea that feminism, or a strong and competent woman in charge of the country, is somehow a rebuke against maleness....it's a knee jerk, immature response that only harms oneself.
When someone tells you that your behavior, thoughts, attitudes, and words are harmful, racist, sexist, 'privileged' etc...they are offering you some grace. They are offering you a chance to look at yourself honestly and FIX YOUR SHIT. They are telling you that they VALUE the connection and also think you have some things to work on.
They are not writing books or making posts or proposing legislation to 'make you ashamed' or 'attack' you...they are saying "hey, we are trying to have an equitable society/relationship/organization here, can you please examine your behavior and the underlying beliefs and see if you can see where it's a problem for people who are not like you, when you think and believe and behave in these ways?"
If you've ever been in a toxic relationship, you know that at some point, if the toxicity isn't addressed and fixed, the next step is resentment, silence, and distance. The door closes. The connection ends. Those connections won't fix themselves, we have to work to maintain and improve our relationships and our society and ourselves.
No one is 'attacking' you.. No one is trying to make you feel 'shame'....they are saying their truth and their lived experience. If you aren't the person who directly harmed them they aren't taking you, personally, to task for it. But if you have engaged in such behavior with others, maybe it's time to self examine and make amends if you can. If that person didn't just offer silence and distance in the face of your toxicity.
I guess....in other words...stop centering yourself in everyone's struggle for racial, gender, etc. equality. it's not about YOU and your FEEFEES. It's about creating a more fair world for everyone.
I am really just too angry and sharp to interact with other white women these days. I just don't have it in me to lead anyone patiently to a place where they can acknowledge their privilege honestly and open their eyes and ears to other people's stories without going "oh poor me, everyone is blaming meeeee for their problems!"...
this btw, definitely hits up against some of the more problematic 'family of origin' bullshit I've had to deal with....calling out people for being awful leads to them doing big drama and somehow you end up caretaking the people who have harmed you for hurting their feelings by calling them out on it....it's so fucked up and I just can't. I can't. fuckem. I can't. I won't.
