54

 Well, today is my 54th birthday.  So far all I have done is up, wash, dress, walk dogs, have cold coffee (with 'birthday cake' flavor whipped cream) and a breakfast sammich.  No plans until family dinner tonight with Aunt L and Uncle B. I will probably go get lotto tix at some point and maybe buy myself something from the HEB deli for lunch. I had been browsing groupon and thinking about getting some kind of anti aging wrinkle filler facial treatment of some sort today but I didn't make any reservations, I just couldn't pull the trigger on it.   [on the plus side I also didn't make any appointments with the care facilities H sent me. I thought it would be too depressing to go look at old people warehousing on my damn birthday]  My brother A made a comment last night at dinner about how we (him, me, sister H) don't particularly enjoy our birthdays or want to do anything big for ourselves.   being raised by a narcissist will do that I guess..but I didn't say that out loud. A. loves  mom a lot and as far as I know thinks nothing but wonderful things about her. (even though he remembers more about our childhood than I do)

I feel pretty physically healthy. Selfie photo of myself I took this morning looks pretty OK. I'm fat. I weigh 255 and my clothing size is 20-22.  My eyes are rather hooded. I have jowls. There are lines from the side of my nose to my chin. the lines above my mouth aren't too visible today.  Been moisturizing pretty regularly. We walked a lot on Saturday, attending the 'wonder and whimsey' festival (or something like that) in Liberty Hill. parking was kinda far and Thax declined the pedicab offer so we walked. My feet, right ankle, and left knee hurt the next day but an aleve fixed it up. The bottom of my left foot felt blistered from all the walking but its fine now.

yesterday afternoon our home AC went out. My brother A went to work looking at youtube tutorials and taking the outdoor part of the thing  apart and cleaning it. He found what he thinks is wrong, a fairly inexpensive part that would be hopefully pretty easy to replace. Thax kind of withdrew into computer land... as did I, pretty much, while A. did all that. But I found the part on amazon and Thax ordered it so it will all hopefully work out.  Thax used to be more active/ pro active on house stuff especially emergency and repair stuff. There's something about me that encourages and allows the men I'm involved with to become passive  and I don't know what it is. But....here we are. I am lazy and I give permission to others to be lazy too, I guess. 

I wonder if it would be too fatalistic or depressing to make plans to visit Switzerland for ending my life on my own terms on my 70th birthday. I never want to be in the situation my mom is in. Having a definite 'the end' on things might kick my ass into some kind of action re: the things I need to get done and have set up for my 'heirs' 

new job starts 5/28.

I kinda want a mini split a/c for the bedroom but I will probably talk myself out of it.

If/when I move to Belize that is the only thing I will have if I have a custom or what they call 'mennonite' house. and just have fans in the main part of the house.

Birthday weather: High 95, low 75, 55% humidity.