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last night's dream, I was in a fancy hotel with my mom. It had a beauty salon and a photography studio and shops and restaurants. It was almost like a vegas casino hotel but I don't think it had a casino. There was a little guy showing us around, a concierge or something? and mom was really engaging with him and he let us look backstage at one of the restaurants that had a stage show and I vaguely remembered mom taking us there when we were kids, like the super cheap nosebleed section because we were poor but also because mom had wanted us to get culture, anyway, and as the tour was winding down I realized that mom thought this guy was showing us around and being chatty and listening to all her stories because he was friendly and I understood that he was doing this as a service and would expect to be tipped at the end and i started having anxiety because all I had on me was a one dollar bill and two hundred dollar bills. and I didn't want to give him a hundred dollars but I knew that the one dollar would be insulting and I was mildly panicking about what to do at the end of the tour.
When I woke up the answer was terribly obvious, ASK. Tell the gentleman that I understood this is a situation where there should be a gratuity, ask him what is customary and explain that I needed to break a larger bill and where could I have that done?
I grew up in 'guess' culture. and then of course get in trouble whenever guessing wrong. perfectionism without being taught or educated properly on how to perform 'perfect'.
I am tremendously relieved that I am starting to understand that asking is OK. and that etiquette and custom is about being gracious when asked rather than being punitive when people don't know things and take the time and trouble to try, and ask. And if someone responds with snobbery or condescension when being asked, that is their poor manners, not yours.
of course, in RL, I would feel terribly out of place in such a fancy hotel. Hell, I felt out of place at the old run down used-to-be-fancy hotel in Hot Springs. understanding things with my smart brain doesn't translate immediately to the sillyass fee-fee ridden parts of me, but it's a process.
As far as my mom not understanding that she was involved in a transaction and not a genuine meeting-of-people-who-like-you, well....that's a thing I knew already about my mom. My brother A also shares this character trait. I won't even say it's a flaw, they both have/had a lot of friends. and I don't. So....
and on the other side of that, is there something I could say or think about maybe people might just like me because I'm me and not because of what I have or what I can do for them (which, thankfully these days, is not much, so fake people are weeded out....leaving, not many)..... anyway....maybe I am seeing too many interactions as transactions rather than 'people just being there because they like me' and I can't really imagine that being true. So that's an uncomfortable train of thought.
When I woke up the answer was terribly obvious, ASK. Tell the gentleman that I understood this is a situation where there should be a gratuity, ask him what is customary and explain that I needed to break a larger bill and where could I have that done?
I grew up in 'guess' culture. and then of course get in trouble whenever guessing wrong. perfectionism without being taught or educated properly on how to perform 'perfect'.
I am tremendously relieved that I am starting to understand that asking is OK. and that etiquette and custom is about being gracious when asked rather than being punitive when people don't know things and take the time and trouble to try, and ask. And if someone responds with snobbery or condescension when being asked, that is their poor manners, not yours.
of course, in RL, I would feel terribly out of place in such a fancy hotel. Hell, I felt out of place at the old run down used-to-be-fancy hotel in Hot Springs. understanding things with my smart brain doesn't translate immediately to the sillyass fee-fee ridden parts of me, but it's a process.
As far as my mom not understanding that she was involved in a transaction and not a genuine meeting-of-people-who-like-you, well....that's a thing I knew already about my mom. My brother A also shares this character trait. I won't even say it's a flaw, they both have/had a lot of friends. and I don't. So....
and on the other side of that, is there something I could say or think about maybe people might just like me because I'm me and not because of what I have or what I can do for them (which, thankfully these days, is not much, so fake people are weeded out....leaving, not many)..... anyway....maybe I am seeing too many interactions as transactions rather than 'people just being there because they like me' and I can't really imagine that being true. So that's an uncomfortable train of thought.
