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update. my stepdad died.
Oct. 5th, 2023 11:21 am Well, my stepdad G. passed away end of Sept
It was very sudden and unexpected. But I also had a bad feeling about him retiring, just a feeling he wouldn't live long after retirement. Nothing real to attach that feeling to. Maybe the fact that my own bio dad passed shortly after being forced to retire; after fighting cancer for 3 yrs....getting retired just kind of knocked the fight out of him and he went down very fast after that.
But my stepdad, as far as I knew, had no diagnosis and no issues other than diabetes and Psoriatic (?) arthritis.
We visited in July and he was fine. I expressed concern about his plans to retire and bring mom home from the care facility to live out their days in their house. My main concern is that the house is a circa 1900s victorian sprawl with stairs on every approach; no way to get in or out of the house that didn't involve stairs. He had railings installed and was going to use a 'gait belt' to help her up and down the stairs. Also, they live in Indiana and it snows/ices. One fall with both of th em tied together with a gait belt and game over. The laundry appliances are down in their basement, more stairs, no railings. There is a 2nd story to the house, railings only go part way down. He had plans and answers for these; he was going to move down to the m ain level and live there with Mom, reserving the upstairs rooms as guest bedroom and / or storage. When I went in July, my sister H and I turned one of the upstairs rooms into an 'art gallery 'for mom's art. He also had a stacking w/d unit installed in the main floor bedroom. Anyway...I was concerned but he was determined and stubborn and as far as I knew, everything was on track for him to retire end of August.
About a week and a half before his retirement date, he fell at the care facility while he was visiting with mom. He was so unsteady on his feet that one of the caregivers ended up driving him home. He then didn't show up for a few days at the care facility so they called my sister H. He was in the habit of coming over every evening to visit mom, watch a TV show together, and then he'd go home after that. So when they didn't see him for a few days, they were worried. H. called him and he didn't answer. She went to his house and he was sitting in his recliner in his pjs/bathrobe, eating. He didn't know what day it was and said he'd seen mom that day. So between H and his primary care dr, they got him to the local hospital to get an MRI. The MRI showed lesions all over his brain. (I learned later that he had an MRI in Jan due to some facial numbness, caused by an ear infection or a sinus infection[?] and at that time his brain was fine) The ER folks said "we need you to see a neurosurgeon," he heard the word 'surgeon' and said "NO SURGERY" and walked out of the hospital. H. had to stay and sign off on the paperwork indicating he'd left against medical advice. His primary suggested that he check himself in to the 'independent living' / 'respite care' area at Mom's care facility until they could get more info, since he was still unsteady on his feet and falling. At that point, H. called me and I said "do you want me to come up?" she said yes, and so I did.
So I lived at my parents' house in Greencastle for a month while all the rest of this happened. I took my work laptop and kept a pretty OK work schedule, cleaned house, fed their cats, etc. My sister H lives closest to our folks but it's an hour drive, and she has a job that is flexible but still requires occasional office time, plus husband, kid in HS, and an exchange student staying with them this year...so she had alot going on and I needed to help her. I flew up 9/2.
The Friday after I flew up, he had a ct scan scheduled and H and I took him to that. he was staying mostly in bed at the place, sleeping a lot, and his short term memory was not really very good. He was losing his tv remote in the sheets, losing his phone, losing his phone charging cord, and we'd go through that a few times in a row before he felt settled. CT scan was of his abdomen, no issues. It took about 2 hours to get him to get dressed, get out of bed and into a wheelchair, into the car, and to the appointment. But he was able to dress himself.
At this point, even though they were in the same faicility, Mom and Dad were in different areas and neither had the cognitive ability to find each other to spend time together. But i did notice that when we did get them in the same room together, Mom was happier and he seemed more 'with it'....like, he'd ask me the same thing 3 or 4 times in a row, but then he'd turn to Mom and tell her everything I'd just said, perfectly recalling everything.
Wednesday the 13th , H and I drove him to Indianapolis for a follow up with the neurosurgeon. I went over super early but he got dressed a little faster and we got to the appointment early. He fell in the bathroom at the dr. office. The Dr. wanted a scan of his chest and a spinal tap. The Dr said the lesions were in many important parts of his brain, so many that it was basically inoperable. Dad wasn't interested in chemo or radiation. The Dr. asked if it would be OK if he discussed the case with his peers at a monthly meeting he has with other neurosurgeons, and dad said OK. He also said "I work in the building so I can come back for any tests,"...he also said he was still in the Air Force and he also said he is a smoker and we had to clarify that he used to smoke, many years ago, but is not a smoker now..... so that was terrible.
After the appointment, I took dad out to the lobby and H stayed to talk with the dr. she expressed how difficult it is to get him up and dressed and ready and get to appointments on time, so he agreed to admit dad to the nearby hospital and do all the tests there. We took him over and checked him in, got him settled, and went home. He was itritated and annoyed. later that night he ripped out the IV line where they were putting contrast into his bloodstream for the CT scan. He called H and was agitated and concerned and needed to know that everyone was OK. She reassured him. We went back the next day. We talked with a case worker and head nurse. He was still in the ER and hadn't been admitted to a regular room. the ER bed was toos hort and too narrow. He was uncomfortable and unhappy. The light was hurting his eyes. He allso seemed sensitive to sound. Case worker and head nurse worked with us to get him discharged to us, and to get him on hospice care. So we busted him out and took him back to the care facility where Mom was.
This whole time, since G. had gone over to the facility, H. had been asking if he and mom could be in a room together. Everyone said OK but it wasn't happening. There was an empty room in the memory care area where mom was but there was a 'contract pending' and they wouldn't let us have it. I'd asked, too, but it still wasnt' happening.
Mom was in G's room visiting and H had to leave for a meeting at her job. A few minutes after she left, the director of the facility came in and said "Oh, didn't H know there was a meeting at 1:30 today to talk about your parents care going forward?" and I was like "NOOOO, because if she HAD known there was a meeting, she'd fucking well be here." and Mom decided at that time to ask to go back to her room,s o I told the lady I was going to walk mom back to her own room and maybe "You people should get your shit together".....so I got mom settled, teh director came into mom's room as I was finishing that up, and said "Oh, it was our mistake, the meeting was for us and staff here and we were going ot loop H . in by phone, so she didn't know about the meeting, it was not her mistake, we apologize," ....I was HOT. So I ended up getting pulled into a meeting with the directors and administrators and the hospice lady and I reitereated to them the priorities H and I had established for mom and G.
1) they HAVE TO be together. however and wherever that happens, that's the #1
2) we need to have them safe and cared for appropriately
3) if that can happen for them in th eir own home, that is preferred but #1 and #2 are most important.
and despite the fact that we'd both been asking for them to be in a room together since I arrived beginning of sept and it is now mid sept, apparently this was a totally new piece of information and a huguuuuue surprise to everyone! God damn, I was PISSED. But I made my points with a minimum of yelling and profanity and reassured them that H is the nice sister and they should prefer to listen to her and do what she asks in the future so I don't have to come in and yell at everyone. I went and told G. what had happened, because I was mad and needed to vent/cool down and he smiled and chuckled a little and said "That's what I love about you,". In the interim before getting them into a room together, they made sure to take Mom to his room to visit for as long as she wanted. After a couple of days, they got them into a room together.
he'd been declining daily, I think eveyrone knew that he wasn't goin to be here for much l onger. H. called his son Sineater at the same time she called me when the lesions were first found,,a nd sineater hadn't seemed too concerned. But she called him again after the CT scans showed nodules and blood clots in his lungs and he flew up and stayed a week.
Hospice hosted an early anniversary dinner for them, catered in his favorites --steak and potatoes and salad with chocolates for dessert. Sineater and I joined them.
He and i had not been on speaking terms for several years; we avoided that topic for the most part and just did what needed to be done. Saturday night he and H and I had a nice supper out, then sat around at the house took shots of whiskey and talked and cried a bit. It was good. I don't expect us to be close again, ever, but at least we have made peace.
I drove Sineater to the airport and that same day, G. died that night around 10pm. The staff puts everyone to bed aro und 8pm, mom walked from their room at the end of oen h all, all the way to the nurses station, without her walker, and told th em that G had died. They checked and confirmed, called hospice to come and fill otu the paperwork, called H. H and I went over and sat in the room. He was still warm when we got there. We talked and cried and just sat in the room, waiting. Hospice never came. around 2 or so am, one of the staff said they could fill out the death certificate and get him ready for the funeral home to pick him up if we were OK with that. We said OK. MOm wanted to leave, so they made up another room for her and we took her there. Then home and to bed.
next day we cleared out their shared room, moved pictures and art over to Mom's room, took G's clothes and things home, went to the funteral home the next day to fill out paperwork and say goodbye one more time. We wrote on his cremation container (cardboard box) and creid some more, then we got the cats rehomed, threw away litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, helped write the obit and then I came home.
I went from 'i hate this and I don't want to be here' every fucking minute to 'I'm grateful I was here to be with my family and help my sister'...I will never be happy that my dad is gone but I am glad I was able to be there and do whatever I could to be helpful. I'd fight the sun for my family. I am so grateful to G. for stepping in and loving me as his own for all those years. I will post the obit in a separate post...
This was hard and it sucked but I wouldn't trade a second of it. Making sure G. was taken care of properly is the least I could do for him, after a lifetime of his care and love and always having my back.
It was very sudden and unexpected. But I also had a bad feeling about him retiring, just a feeling he wouldn't live long after retirement. Nothing real to attach that feeling to. Maybe the fact that my own bio dad passed shortly after being forced to retire; after fighting cancer for 3 yrs....getting retired just kind of knocked the fight out of him and he went down very fast after that.
But my stepdad, as far as I knew, had no diagnosis and no issues other than diabetes and Psoriatic (?) arthritis.
We visited in July and he was fine. I expressed concern about his plans to retire and bring mom home from the care facility to live out their days in their house. My main concern is that the house is a circa 1900s victorian sprawl with stairs on every approach; no way to get in or out of the house that didn't involve stairs. He had railings installed and was going to use a 'gait belt' to help her up and down the stairs. Also, they live in Indiana and it snows/ices. One fall with both of th em tied together with a gait belt and game over. The laundry appliances are down in their basement, more stairs, no railings. There is a 2nd story to the house, railings only go part way down. He had plans and answers for these; he was going to move down to the m ain level and live there with Mom, reserving the upstairs rooms as guest bedroom and / or storage. When I went in July, my sister H and I turned one of the upstairs rooms into an 'art gallery 'for mom's art. He also had a stacking w/d unit installed in the main floor bedroom. Anyway...I was concerned but he was determined and stubborn and as far as I knew, everything was on track for him to retire end of August.
About a week and a half before his retirement date, he fell at the care facility while he was visiting with mom. He was so unsteady on his feet that one of the caregivers ended up driving him home. He then didn't show up for a few days at the care facility so they called my sister H. He was in the habit of coming over every evening to visit mom, watch a TV show together, and then he'd go home after that. So when they didn't see him for a few days, they were worried. H. called him and he didn't answer. She went to his house and he was sitting in his recliner in his pjs/bathrobe, eating. He didn't know what day it was and said he'd seen mom that day. So between H and his primary care dr, they got him to the local hospital to get an MRI. The MRI showed lesions all over his brain. (I learned later that he had an MRI in Jan due to some facial numbness, caused by an ear infection or a sinus infection[?] and at that time his brain was fine) The ER folks said "we need you to see a neurosurgeon," he heard the word 'surgeon' and said "NO SURGERY" and walked out of the hospital. H. had to stay and sign off on the paperwork indicating he'd left against medical advice. His primary suggested that he check himself in to the 'independent living' / 'respite care' area at Mom's care facility until they could get more info, since he was still unsteady on his feet and falling. At that point, H. called me and I said "do you want me to come up?" she said yes, and so I did.
So I lived at my parents' house in Greencastle for a month while all the rest of this happened. I took my work laptop and kept a pretty OK work schedule, cleaned house, fed their cats, etc. My sister H lives closest to our folks but it's an hour drive, and she has a job that is flexible but still requires occasional office time, plus husband, kid in HS, and an exchange student staying with them this year...so she had alot going on and I needed to help her. I flew up 9/2.
The Friday after I flew up, he had a ct scan scheduled and H and I took him to that. he was staying mostly in bed at the place, sleeping a lot, and his short term memory was not really very good. He was losing his tv remote in the sheets, losing his phone, losing his phone charging cord, and we'd go through that a few times in a row before he felt settled. CT scan was of his abdomen, no issues. It took about 2 hours to get him to get dressed, get out of bed and into a wheelchair, into the car, and to the appointment. But he was able to dress himself.
At this point, even though they were in the same faicility, Mom and Dad were in different areas and neither had the cognitive ability to find each other to spend time together. But i did notice that when we did get them in the same room together, Mom was happier and he seemed more 'with it'....like, he'd ask me the same thing 3 or 4 times in a row, but then he'd turn to Mom and tell her everything I'd just said, perfectly recalling everything.
Wednesday the 13th , H and I drove him to Indianapolis for a follow up with the neurosurgeon. I went over super early but he got dressed a little faster and we got to the appointment early. He fell in the bathroom at the dr. office. The Dr. wanted a scan of his chest and a spinal tap. The Dr said the lesions were in many important parts of his brain, so many that it was basically inoperable. Dad wasn't interested in chemo or radiation. The Dr. asked if it would be OK if he discussed the case with his peers at a monthly meeting he has with other neurosurgeons, and dad said OK. He also said "I work in the building so I can come back for any tests,"...he also said he was still in the Air Force and he also said he is a smoker and we had to clarify that he used to smoke, many years ago, but is not a smoker now..... so that was terrible.
After the appointment, I took dad out to the lobby and H stayed to talk with the dr. she expressed how difficult it is to get him up and dressed and ready and get to appointments on time, so he agreed to admit dad to the nearby hospital and do all the tests there. We took him over and checked him in, got him settled, and went home. He was itritated and annoyed. later that night he ripped out the IV line where they were putting contrast into his bloodstream for the CT scan. He called H and was agitated and concerned and needed to know that everyone was OK. She reassured him. We went back the next day. We talked with a case worker and head nurse. He was still in the ER and hadn't been admitted to a regular room. the ER bed was toos hort and too narrow. He was uncomfortable and unhappy. The light was hurting his eyes. He allso seemed sensitive to sound. Case worker and head nurse worked with us to get him discharged to us, and to get him on hospice care. So we busted him out and took him back to the care facility where Mom was.
This whole time, since G. had gone over to the facility, H. had been asking if he and mom could be in a room together. Everyone said OK but it wasn't happening. There was an empty room in the memory care area where mom was but there was a 'contract pending' and they wouldn't let us have it. I'd asked, too, but it still wasnt' happening.
Mom was in G's room visiting and H had to leave for a meeting at her job. A few minutes after she left, the director of the facility came in and said "Oh, didn't H know there was a meeting at 1:30 today to talk about your parents care going forward?" and I was like "NOOOO, because if she HAD known there was a meeting, she'd fucking well be here." and Mom decided at that time to ask to go back to her room,s o I told the lady I was going to walk mom back to her own room and maybe "You people should get your shit together".....so I got mom settled, teh director came into mom's room as I was finishing that up, and said "Oh, it was our mistake, the meeting was for us and staff here and we were going ot loop H . in by phone, so she didn't know about the meeting, it was not her mistake, we apologize," ....I was HOT. So I ended up getting pulled into a meeting with the directors and administrators and the hospice lady and I reitereated to them the priorities H and I had established for mom and G.
1) they HAVE TO be together. however and wherever that happens, that's the #1
2) we need to have them safe and cared for appropriately
3) if that can happen for them in th eir own home, that is preferred but #1 and #2 are most important.
and despite the fact that we'd both been asking for them to be in a room together since I arrived beginning of sept and it is now mid sept, apparently this was a totally new piece of information and a huguuuuue surprise to everyone! God damn, I was PISSED. But I made my points with a minimum of yelling and profanity and reassured them that H is the nice sister and they should prefer to listen to her and do what she asks in the future so I don't have to come in and yell at everyone. I went and told G. what had happened, because I was mad and needed to vent/cool down and he smiled and chuckled a little and said "That's what I love about you,". In the interim before getting them into a room together, they made sure to take Mom to his room to visit for as long as she wanted. After a couple of days, they got them into a room together.
he'd been declining daily, I think eveyrone knew that he wasn't goin to be here for much l onger. H. called his son Sineater at the same time she called me when the lesions were first found,,a nd sineater hadn't seemed too concerned. But she called him again after the CT scans showed nodules and blood clots in his lungs and he flew up and stayed a week.
Hospice hosted an early anniversary dinner for them, catered in his favorites --steak and potatoes and salad with chocolates for dessert. Sineater and I joined them.
He and i had not been on speaking terms for several years; we avoided that topic for the most part and just did what needed to be done. Saturday night he and H and I had a nice supper out, then sat around at the house took shots of whiskey and talked and cried a bit. It was good. I don't expect us to be close again, ever, but at least we have made peace.
I drove Sineater to the airport and that same day, G. died that night around 10pm. The staff puts everyone to bed aro und 8pm, mom walked from their room at the end of oen h all, all the way to the nurses station, without her walker, and told th em that G had died. They checked and confirmed, called hospice to come and fill otu the paperwork, called H. H and I went over and sat in the room. He was still warm when we got there. We talked and cried and just sat in the room, waiting. Hospice never came. around 2 or so am, one of the staff said they could fill out the death certificate and get him ready for the funeral home to pick him up if we were OK with that. We said OK. MOm wanted to leave, so they made up another room for her and we took her there. Then home and to bed.
next day we cleared out their shared room, moved pictures and art over to Mom's room, took G's clothes and things home, went to the funteral home the next day to fill out paperwork and say goodbye one more time. We wrote on his cremation container (cardboard box) and creid some more, then we got the cats rehomed, threw away litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, helped write the obit and then I came home.
I went from 'i hate this and I don't want to be here' every fucking minute to 'I'm grateful I was here to be with my family and help my sister'...I will never be happy that my dad is gone but I am glad I was able to be there and do whatever I could to be helpful. I'd fight the sun for my family. I am so grateful to G. for stepping in and loving me as his own for all those years. I will post the obit in a separate post...
This was hard and it sucked but I wouldn't trade a second of it. Making sure G. was taken care of properly is the least I could do for him, after a lifetime of his care and love and always having my back.
