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I understand that narcissists are defective human beings, either through a birth defect or brain damage or traumatic childhood experience, and it is not their fault that they were born into an abusive family, or born with deficient brains or faulty body chemistry that leaves them without the capacity to be fully human. It is truly a tragedy.

But that does not mean that others deserve to be abused by a narcissist. I do not wish to allow myself to be abused and mistreated by someone, or want to see loved ones suffering in a relationship with a narcissist.

As far as compassion goes, of course I have compassion for these empty, sad, damaged people. The narcissist is a human person! Unlike many answers here on Quora, I’ve never said that a narcissist is a demon, a monster, or anything other than a very diseased and terribly flawed human being.

The first impulse of even the youngest human infant is for connection, warmth, and closeness to other humans. But if that child is born sick, they may not be able to receive comfort or form connections in a way that a normal infant would. Children that are born addicted or with a disease are often so sensitive that a normal caring touch feels excruciatingly painful. Even mother’s milk may make them sick or even kill a child born with a certain condition.

To some degree, this is a good analogy for a child born with narcissism or the brain damage that will eventually lead to narcissistic personality disorder. They still have needs, they are hungry and needy and they cry & are unable to be comforted because the things that would soothe and help a normal baby hurt and harm the sick or addicted infant. That doesn’t mean they don’t still crave closeness and connection, but their disorder prevents them from being able to form those connections. It is very likely that the narcissist’s innermost being exists in a constant state of extreme distress due to their disorder. That is truly pitiful and worthy of compassion for that inner self, that inner child, that is suffering so dreadfully.

But their suffering does not give them the right to harm others, which they do. Their feelings of emptiness and need do not excuse their behavior. The narcissist's fear of abandonment does not give them the right to ‘take hostages’ in relationships. Childhood wounds do not excuse adult behaviors of entitlement, substance abuse etc. and none of that gives them any right to mistreat other people! It may be an explanation, but it is not an excuse.

Take a moment to stop to consider that all the people that a narcissist abuses, uses, and harms are also human beings and also deserving of kindness and compassion—which the narcissist is incapable of giving.

And, since narcissists are sick individuals, they are not capable of receiving kindness or compassion either. They will view the person(s) being kind and compassionate as weak and stupid. The narcissist will only behave worse towards anyone showing such ‘weakness.’…so there is absolutely no point in extending too much kindness or compassion to a person who is only going to use your better nature to try and harm you. Better to disengage and go your own way as soon as you can.

It is not cruel or lacking in compassion to recognize the truth about a person. It is not a lack of compassion that leads me to wish to avoid narcissists and rather choose to extend compassion and kindness to those that have been harmed by narcissists. Those are the people who will benefit from receiving kindness and compassion, who can form human connections and fully receive what is given without tainting it with their black hole, bottomless pit of need, which deforms every relationship they have into one of contempt and abuse.

There is a way to extend compassion without engaging with the toxic person or allowing yourself to be drawn into drama and abuse. You can wish someone well from afar. There are meditation practices such as Tonglen or ho’oponopono, or a regular practice of prayers within your chosen faith, which may aid your own peace of mind and help you to come to peace with the situation, without exposing yourself to any further toxic interactions or narcissistic abuse. Your own health, happiness, and peace of mind are the most precious things you will ever have. Prioritize them, guard them, and choose behavior and relationships that build them up. Relationships with narcissists will not do that.

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