evile

Covert narcissists, also called ‘vulnerable’ narcissists, are narcissists who lack the grandiose, extreme extroverted traits most people think of when they think of typical narcissism. They may initially appear to be modest, shy, introverted, subdued, and perhaps even selfless or at least self-effacing.

Once you get to know them, however, you find that the covert narcissist is still a selfish, self-centered individual lacking in empathy and feeling an extreme sense of entitlement. Whereas the extroverted narcissist will pretend they are the best, most amazing, most accomplished, most expert, most beautiful, most interesting, most educated person you’ve ever met, the covert narcissist will spin a tale of being the most pitiful, most ill-used, most unappreciated, most victimized victim that ever was.

If you had a bad day, they’ve had a worse one. If your parents were jerks, the covert narcs parents were worse. If your ex was abusive, their ex was even more abusive. Whatever sad bad luck story you may have, the narcissist has it worst. They won’t have sympathy or empathy for your bad luck, they will make every situation about themselves.

On the flip side, If you’re having a good time, rest assured the covert narc will stub her toe or break a nail and make everyone pay attention to their terrible injury, or show up late with a sad story, or leave early because they’ve suffered a calamity, taking everyone’s good mood with them.

They’re always struggling, always down on their luck, always the victim in every encounter. They have never done anything wrong, they have never made any mistakes, and their problems are never their fault.

Behind the facade of eternal victim who everyone has done wrong, they are engaging in the same impulsive, compulsive behaviors that mark all narcissists: being unreliable and unproductive at work (therefore chronically unemployed), overeating, drinking to excess, taking drugs, having risky sex, spending beyond their means, racking up debts in order to buy themselves the best of everything, because their life is hard and they deserve a “little something nice.”

The covert narcissist will often have some mysterious ‘invisible illness’ such as migraines or Chronic Fatigue. These illnesses will mysteriously vanish whenever the narc has something they want to do, but they will crash down and make the covert narc terribly ill whenever they need attention or whenever they want to get out of something that they don’t want to do —work, attend a festive occasion celebrating someone besides themselves or something they’re not interested in, family obligations, etc. And, really, how DARE YOU question their invisible illness that so conveniently got them out of helping you with something you really needed them for, that they’d committed to doing? What a jerk you are! Invisible illness is a great tactic, it feeds their ‘oh poor me’ story and gets them out of anything they don’t want to do.

The ‘poor me’ story also gets them out of being accountable for anything. If you are hurt or offended by anything the poor fragile narcissist has said or done (or their endless flake-outs, unreliability, ghosting, etc.), they can call up the crocodile tears and beat their breast and cry “oh, I am such a terrible [friend, mom, person], you must hate me so much, I don’t deserve your friendship, I don’t deserve your love, I don’t deserve to liiiiiiive!”…by the time their show of heaping ashes and sackcloth upon themselves is over, you are apologizing to THEM for them hurting you and feeling so terrible for even bringing it up!

Another tactic of the covert narcissist is that they will expect their friends to drop everything to come to their rescue; their lack of planning, eternal debts, and general poor decision making creates an endless stream of drama and crisis that they will stand around and cry ‘poor me’ while expecting their friends to make endless sacrifices of time, resources, and energy to help them out of. No gratitude, of course.

As with any abusive relationship, you make yourself smaller and smaller, deny your own needs and feelings, and do everything you can to walk on eggshells and never upset your abuser. They literally hold themselves hostage and force your compliance. They are basically saying “Do what I say, do what I want, do not ever disagree with me, or I will hurt myself!” They make you responsible for their feelings and well being.

If you get tired of rescuing the eternal lost princess, bailing them out, loaning them money yet again, or dare to suggest or point out that they are the author of their own misfortunes, you will become one of the dozens of people who let them down, disappointed them, abandoned them, and betrayed them, just another bit of fodder for their eternal ‘oh poor me’ story.

Bottom line, covert narcs are just as bad or worse than their ‘Wizard of Oz, great and wonderful ME!’ counterparts.

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