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Anyway I've been listening to (literally, ugh!) hours of courtroom testimony, recordings and texts and photos and AH's self-serving word salad of excuses as to why she had to shame, humiliate, gaslight, smear, and physically strike her husband. One recording where she repeatedly says 'suck my dick' and calls him a pussy and insults his manhood, etc. ends with him saying that he's going to commit to try and be a better husband and wants to work it out. I really wonder what was the last straw, what was the bridge too far, what finally made him (or her?) say "This is crazy, it's time to GTFO"...because it seems to me that a lot of the behavior over the short time of their marriage fell into what I'd consider 'deal breaker' territory before it got to the finger-severing and bed-pooping.
Then again, I know from my own failed relationship that there was a long slow slippery slope to where we finally called it quits, and for me the last straw was not so much the disrespect, cheating, financial nonsense, etc. but seeing the lack of respect given to a visiting family member. I'd been neglected, ignored, belittled, and disregarded for years by that point but somehow seeing the same behavior in a different context made me decide it was time to end things.
Anyhoo...here's an article I found interesting.
https://medium.com/the-virago/how-bad-does-it-need-to-get-before-you-leave-5a7e3ce021
How Bad Does It Need to Get Before You Leave?
Trust me, it’s not worth the wait
My voice is my superpower. Founder of The Narcissist Relationship Recovery Program. www.suzannaquintana.com
5.2K Followers
Apr 12
I used to wish he would hit me instead, believing that would hurt less than his cruel behavior and words.
I often begged him to leave because I didn’t have the strength to do it myself.
The way he ignored me for days, the smirk that appeared on his mouth whenever I was in pain, the black eyes that glared at me without feeling…
Days, months, years passed.
And I stayed.
Because at the time, I didn’t think it was bad enough to leave.
So I waited. Until it was.
Until the Universe answered my call after collapsing in my bedroom closet one afternoon, begging for relief.
Please, send me a sign. Any sign, I wailed.
The Universe, sick and tired of my shit and ignoring all the signs it had already sent my way, responded by hurling a Cat. 5 hurricane…with me in its direct path.
It took blowing up my life as I knew it, eviscerating everything I believed to be true, causing waves of trauma in our children that still ebb and flow to this day, for me to finally leave.
It took uncovering my husband’s double life of grooming and exploiting young immigrant girls, and realizing I’d married a sexual predator, to push me out the door.
Today, as a recovery coach who helps others rebuild their lives after abusive relationships, I’ve noticed my story is a common one. There is a theme for those of us who have been victims of an abusive partner.
We stay.
Until something so big happens, something so horrific and destructive, that we’re pushed to leave, sometimes the decision taken out of our hands.
But as someone who waited until my worst nightmare came true, I’m here to tell you that staying in an abusive relationship and hoping things will only get better is not worth the wait.
Here’s why:
The “love conquers all” belief
That’s a sweet saying, but in the words of Tina Turner, what’s love got to do with it? If someone is hurting you in order to keep control of you, if someone is strengthened by your weakness, if someone expects you to give while all they do is take, that’s not love. That’s abuse.
You don’t want to “give up” on them
Welcome to the world of attachment that abusers — especially narcissists — create to instill guilt and obligation so that you’ll stay no matter what they dish out. Thus, the only one you’re giving up on is yourself.
Staying for the kids
I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping our family together, staying for our kids. Turns out, the one regret I have when I look back is that I didn’t leave sooner. Because of my kids. The fact is children who witness abuse, especially emotional abuse, of a parent often face severe and long-term consequences.
Even if your kids are not being abused firsthand, it’s like secondhand smoke — they’re still inhaling the poison.
You don’t want to break up the family
In an abusive relationship, the family is already broken by an abuser. Leaving is the only way to put it back together.
Waiting for them to change
If you hold your breath, you’ll suffocate. Besides, why would an abuser, particularly a narcissist, change? What they’re doing is working for them and they’re getting something out of it (power, control, supply, etc.) so why would they give that up?
And don’t say “because they love me and they care about me” because if they loved you and cared about you they wouldn’t have been abusive in the first place.
You made vows
The last time I checked, two people make vows when they get married. So if your spouse is the one no longer cherishing and honoring and respecting you, and your vows didn’t include promising to stick it out no matter the cost to your emotional and physical well-being, then consider yourself released from that marital contract through no fault of your own.
They have anger issues and you want to “help” them
My (now ex) husband used to act out angrily toward me and our oldest son. He asked me for help to deal with his anger “issues.” So I bought him books on anger. I researched methods on how to deal with anger. I listened and tried to help him in any way that I could.
The thing is, he never got angry at anyone else. And when he was angry at me, he could become “un-angry” with the flip of a switch if anyone else was around. Not to mention, I wasn’t allowed to be angry. Especially at him. So the issue was never anger to begin with. It’s about control, and the reminder of my lack of it.
Your abusive partner doesn’t have a problem with his anger. He has a problem with your anger. — Lundy Bancroft
You don’t believe you’re worthy of anything better
Do you know why your self-worth is in the toilet? Because you’re in an abusive relationship with someone who has convinced you that you’re not worthy of anything better. Abusers, especially narcissists, are quite adept at conditioning you to feel like shit about yourself. How else are they going to keep you under control? So the longer you stay, the more your self-esteem is going to be battered.
Like death from a thousand cuts.
There are good times too
The one you love isn’t all bad all the time. They have their sweet moments where they’re loving and caring and treating you well. So what if the day before they insulted you (again) or the week before they lied to you (again) or the month before they called you names/smeared you to your friends/got physical with you/pressured you to do something you didn’t want to/cheated on you/humiliated you (again)…it’s not like that all the time, right?
Okay, but why is this acceptable to you for any time at all?
You think you’re the problem
You feel crazy. Too emotional. Too sensitive. You need to get a thicker skin and stop being so dramatic. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back. You act in a way that is unrecognizable. You say things you don’t mean. You’ve become a stranger to yourself. This must explain why the one you love treats you like they do. It’s your fault. So if you could just get it together then everything would go back to the way it was…
Stop.
Just stop.
And please hear me when I say:
No one deserves to be abused.
You don’t deserve this. This isn’t the kind of life you want to live because it’s a dead end. When you stay with someone who is abusive, there is no “getting better.” There is no improvement or miraculous change going to happen.
There is only you, staying.
Until it gets worse.
