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Be someone your kids trust to talk to about their feelings and problems.
Don’t say things like “Your mother always does this bad thing” or “Your mother never does this good thing,” even if you feel they are true. If you complain about her, they may feel obligated to defend her or side with her against you. Be assured that she is probably talking a lot of crap about you behind your back. So don’t sink to that level.
Be a good example. Be honest. Tell the truth. Share how you feel when your children’s mother behaves a certain way or calls you a name or talks about you behind your back. If your children talk to you about their mother’s behavior or words that confuse or upset them, don’t make any judgements about the mother, just let the kids share feelings and make sure they know that whatever they say to you will be kept in confidence and never used against them. Validate their feelings without namecalling their mom.
As an example, maybe your kid comes to you and says “Mom said I’m a lazy jerk just like you,” and you can ask
“How did that make you feel?”
“Do you think calling people names is a nice thing to do?”
You will also want to say something like “I know you are not a lazy jerk!” and think of a few positive examples to share about your kid, behaviors that showed they work hard and care about other people. Always praise the behavior you want to see repeated.
Don’t make it about you. Don’t make it about the relationship between you and the mother of your children. Don’t turn it into a power struggle between the adults. Center the children and their feelings. Make sure they feel safe and supported. Give them a wholesome routine and a stable place to be. Make their lives as predictable as possible when they are with you— a good mix of School, activities, homework, chores, play, and faith-based activities (if you are a believer). Give them a good framework. Document any incidents of abuse or violence. If you aren’t divorced, GET DIVORCED. If you have partial custody GET FULL CUSTODY. Get a good lawyer. Get a good therapist for you and your kids, if needed. If you have a faith community, speak with your pastor, priest, imam, or rabbi to see if there is any support group or counseling available through your faith organization.
Stay strong. Keep yourself positive and kind. Love your kids & give them a safe place to be. Narcissists can be very cruel and evil, but remember this is a person with a disease and maybe that will help you to respond with as much calmness as you can.======================
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