There was a person who sat in meditation under a tree. A narcissist approached and began to beat the wise person with a stick. The wise person removed the stick from the narcissist’s hand. The narcissist then began to beat the wise person with their hands. The wise person restrained the narcissist’s hands. The narcissist then began to scream and yell vulgar, vile insults at the wise person. The wise person then realized that in attempting to remove the narcissist’s harm, they had placed themselves into a position where they were now attached to the narcissist for as long as the narcissist continued to struggle and scream and beat against them.
There was another person who sat in meditation under a tree. A narcissist approached and began to beat the wise person with a stick. The wise person took away the stick and began to return the blows in-kind. The narcissist ran away screaming and crying back to their village. The villagers heard the screaming and crying and listened with wide eyes and shock to the narcissist’s tale of the vengeful and evil demon-possessed person disguised as a wise person, who had beaten them mercilessly ‘for no reason’. The villagers were outraged and went up the mountain to find and destroy the person. The person was murdered by the villagers in their righteous anger and total belief of the narcissist’s lies.
There was a third person who sat in meditation under a tree. A narcissist approached and began to beat the wise person with a stick. The wise person stood up without a word and calmly moved away from the narcissist and continued their practice in another spot, far away from the reach of the narcissist (this person eventually became the warrior-monk I will describe later)
The best way to disarm the narcissist is to remove yourself from their presence entirely and do not let them into your life again. This works best in the case of toxic friends or romantic partners whom you come to realize are narcissistic.
The next best way ( in the case of a boss, coworker, or family member whom you cannot physically leave for whatever reasons) is to offer them no ‘stick’ with which to beat you—give them no personal information, do not display any sort of reaction to their outrageous behavior or inane demands. Offer bland, polite, impersonal courtesy and nothing more. Do not converse about personal topics. Do not disagree, do not argue, do not respond to blame, shame, guilt trips, accusations, emotional blow-outs or any other kind of acting-out. Be a grey rock, grasshopper.
If you attempt to fight back against the narcissist, you will be like the wise person in the second tale—you may feel completely justified in striking back against someone who is harming you. You may hit them back only as hard as they hit you first. But they are very convincing at playing the victim and recruiting others to harm you.
Finally, let me tell the tale of the armored warrior monk, who had spent years in training—reading, exercising, and meditating until body and mind were finely-honed. The warrior monk walked peacefully through the world because all narcissists could see that the warrior monk was armed and able to deal out a lethal blow in response to the narcissist’s stick-hitting, but also completely centered and confident within themselves— not able to be fooled by a narcissist’s lies & victim-playing, not interested in hearing the narcissist’s vulgar insults, but calmly following their own sacred path up the mountain. The narcissist saw the warrior monk striding purposefully along, and hid their face until the warrior monk had passed.
Cultivate healthy mutually beneficial relationships. Learn good boundaries. Practice habits of healthy self respect and work with a counselor, therapist, or clergy person you trust to build your own healthy self-esteem so that you don’t allow yourself to be used or manipulated by people, and you will be narc-proof.
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