Quora: Does a narcissist consider everyone an option?

 

Absolutely. The narcissist goes through life very efficiently and quickly categorizing everyone they meet into just a few categories:

1. Useless/boring Has nothing the narc wants, has no valuable connections, is not wealthy or pretty or sexually interesting. The narc keeps moving.
2. Threat This person may be high-value, such as an expert in a chosen field, a CEO or business owner with a great deal of clout, connections, and wealth, but they are far more knowledgeable in the field that the narc is ‘faking’ in, far more connected so that if the narc says “Oh, yes, I was at a party with j Lo last weekend,” they can say “Oh, really, was it the party on her yacht or at her beach house, because I was at both,” or otherwise seems like a canny, observant, and secure in themselves. This person may be a highly spiritual person, or a very centered Empath who recognizes predators and knows how to shut them down instantly. The Narc can’t lie to them, can’t bluff them, can’t snow them, can’t scare them or upset them and therefore can’t use them. What makes them different than the ‘useless’ is the fact that the Threat individual has enough personal power, connections, knowledge, and/or self-confidence that they can cause the Narc to lose face, be kicked out of organizations, reveal themselves as idiots, etc. These folks are Iron Warriors and the brittle weapons of the narcissist have no effect. The narc will either do their best to hide under a rock whenever the Threat is near, or they will fawn and praise excessively in order to try not to be caught out in lies and revealed to all as a charlatan. (they may also sneakily try and badmouth the Threat behind their back)
3. Tool/Toy aka “source of supply” this is someone who has things the narc wants and in whom the Narc sees vulnerability.

• This may be the Narcissist’s child, whom she or he can groom to be the perfect little ‘mini me’ of the narc parent—to play sports, sing or dance or play musical instruments or just be a cute and adorable little dress-up dolly prop for Narc’s ‘Parent of the Year’ act. Children are cute and get a lot of attention just for being small and adorable—narcissist parents use the child as an extension of themselves and soak up all that attention as if it were themselves being praised and adored by others.
• This may be a new person to a group or profession that the Narc can con into thinking the Narc is the world’s foremost expert & will feel so lucky that the Narc wants to ‘mentor’ them. Never mind that the mentorship is just the Narc grandstanding for an audience and using them for whatever material items or free labor they can get.
• This may be a financially successful ‘computer nerd’ who is a bit socially awkward. The Narc can convince the target that she is the belle of the ball, can introduce him to wonderful people, and show him a great time. (all the while picking his pockets, demanding excessive gifts, and convincing him that there is no way any of her wonderful friends could or would ever like him because he is so terribly awkward and flawed)
• This could be a boss, coworker, or subordinate at work. The Narc uses triangulation and he-said, she-said drama, gossip, and ‘tattling’ to keep the workplace disordered and keep themselves at the center of a whirlwind of chaos.

In short, anyone can be the target of a narcissist, if they have something the narcissist wants—be it money, attention, fame, expertise, a group of friends, etc. AND if the narcissist thinks they can either siphon off some or all of it for themselves, or enjoy the drama created by ruining it for their target. The best defense against narcissists is to recognize the initial signs of ‘love bombing’[1] and resist getting too close, too soon with anyone you meet, be it at work or in a romantic relationship or even just chatting with a neighbor or some other person you may meet in public. Practice saying ‘no’ early on in any relationship, both as practice for yourself in having healthy boundaries, and also to observe the reaction of the other person when they are refused. If a person seems too good to be true, they probably are a narcissist and you should probably do your best to seem as dull and boring as you possibly can[2]  so that they’ll move along to their next potential target.

 

Footnotes

[1] 

 

Love Bombing: 10 Signs to Know

[2] 

 

Grey Rock Method: 6 Tips and Technique

========================================

Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Quora: What motivates many narcissists to present as if they are the victims in any given situation?

 

What motivates many narcissists to present as if they are the victims in any given situation?

Sometimes I entertain myself by listening to Right Wing Bugnuts Radio while I'm in the car. It’s not because I’m on the right side of the political spectrum by any means, but I feel it’s always wise to ‘know thine enemy,’ so I listen to the talking points of the day and see what I can come up with in the way of facts and truth to refute or counter those points when or if they come up in conversation with real people later on.

Well, knock me over with a feather, but Rush Limbaugh, of all the bloviating blowhards, once said something that I AGREE with. I don’t have the exact quote but here's the gist of it:

Once someone has attained "Victim" status, there is only one correct response: SYMPATHY. If you criticize the victim or call out the victim on their poor behavior or poor choices, YOU are automatically the bad one because you dared to criticize the victim. Once someone identifies as Victim, they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, treat people badly as much as they want, because they are the Victim. If you don't enable them and feel sorry for them, then you're 'abusing' them.

Whoa. Rush is sometimes Right!

========================================

Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.