Quora: When you see a question from someone asking about their "ex narcissist" doing something

When you see a question from someone asking about their "ex narcissist" doing something normal and reasonable, do you assume the person asking the question is using the word improperly and/or begging for sympathy?

 

I think that a lot of people who have recently ended a relationship are hurting and confused, possibly angry as well.

In times of high emotion, it seems that people do revert to primitive defense mechanisms to protect their egos. So, to me, it seems calling the other person a narcissist whether they are one or not would line up with this defensive behavior.

Many people in the aftermath of a breakup will do a lot of soul searching and try to figure out ‘why’ it happened; retreating into your head space is more comfortable to most people; it’s difficult to sit quietly with feelings of grief, betrayal, confusion, hurt, and anger and just allow yourself to feel and let go without putting labels and analysis on it. Many people are just more comfortable with thoughts than with feelings, so they want to label the other person, analyze their behavior, and figure out what went wrong. I think this is a normal part of processing the loss of a person and a relationship that were very important and close.

Some of the questions here do seem silly, and I do caution against issuing a mental health diagnosis when you are not the person’s therapist, BUT, this is normal human behavior and I think it’s possible have compassion for someone in pain without feeding their ‘victim of a narcissist’ scenario. If you see someone who is ‘begging for sympathy,’ what does it cost you to give them some? And, online at least, it's also just as easy to quietly scroll on by and ignore posts or questions that seem silly or misguided. 

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Quora: When and at what age does a narcissist start being the monster they are?

First of all, Narcissists are human beings, they aren’t monsters. They may be toxic, abusive, manipulative, and awful, but they are only human. Any person could have the misfortune to be born or made into a narcissist. I do not advise condoning, tolerating, or excusing anyone’s abusive manipulative toxic behavior, but I do advise compassion and recognition of shared humanity (from a safe distance, of course).

I believe most narcissists experience some sort of abuse or trauma event as young children that prevents them from growing emotionally; they grow into adults with the emotional needs and responses of a child. There may be some defect in the brain that does not allow the structures of the brain to develop that would allow adult emotional regulation, but either way, this is not the fault of the narcissist to have been born with a deformity or abused or traumatized in some way that left them emotionally crippled for life. That doesn’t give them permission to treat anyone badly, it is simply a recognition of fact.

So, to answer your question: in my opinion, narcissists are narcissistic from birth. In the same way that a two year old child is selfish, unaware, unempathetic, demanding and emotionally volatile, the adult narcissist is also all of those things because he or she is simply not able to handle their emotions like a grown-up and is incapable of developing compassion or recognition of others as human beings with needs and feelings of their own.

I am trying to be careful NOT to condone or excuse the adult narcissist’s abusive behavior; no one should tolerate mistreatment from another person in a relationship between adults. If you are raising a child, it is sometimes the case that the child will get frustrated and angry with the adult caregiver and lash out physically or emotionally, have temper tantrums when tired, hungry, or told ‘no,’ and that is an expected part of their development, just as learning how to deal appropriately with meltdowns and tantrums is part of the adult's journey as a parent. However, it is not acceptable, normal, or desirable to have to parent another adult.

Once you recognize that a relationship is toxic in this way , it is best to end it. Name-calling the toxic party is not helpful to them or to you. They are what they are, they were likely born that way or have been that way from a young age, and you can’t fix, change, or help them. You are only in charge of your own change and healing.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.