Quora: The narcissist I know is married and seems to prefer his secondary supplies to be married al

The narcissist I know is married and seems to prefer his secondary supplies to be married also. Watching from the outside, he treats one of them like gold while the others are subjected to silent treatments and such. Is it a facade or is she better?

 

The phenomenon you are observing is called “splitting”—when a disordered person projects all of their faults and failures on one source of supply while elevating one of his or her other targets as ‘the perfect one’.

Give it time and you will be able to see the ‘perfect’ one gradually knocked off their pedestal while one of the ‘crap bags’ becomes the new favorite. Rest assured there’s nothing special about being the narc’s flavor of the moment, that person is not better or prettier or smarter than you, or anyone else. The narc is just trying to make themselves look and feel good by only associating with people they portray as more special, more intelligent, more beautiful, more *everything* than their currently devalued targets. They need to make others feel jealous and unhappy in order to make themselves feel good.

This is part of the narcissists ‘idealize, devalue, discard’ cycle, each target or source of supply can be (and usually is) in a different part of the cycle at any given time. This allows the narcissist to generate even more drama and attention for themselves, by playing their targets off against one another (“oh, my wife doesn’t understand me, here’s all the terrible things she said to me today, isn’t she awful?”) or by forcing them to compete with one another to be the ‘golden one’—its all just more entertainment for the narc. Watching people fall all over themselves to please the narc and win favor, or watching them competing and backstabbing one another so as not to be targeted and abused as ‘the bad one’ is just more justification and confirmation of their feelings of superiority and ‘specialness’ but the only ‘prize’ you get for jumping through the narcissist’s hoops is…more hoops! And this time they’re on fire! Jump and prove your love! Or else you are the bad one! No thank you.

These endless spirals of discord and drama are also very good for keeping each target feeling isolated, confused, and in ‘fight or flight’ mode which keeps them from thinking straight, working on their own issues, and getting free from the cycle of abuse.

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