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A friend of mine posted this in facebook: http://www.naseeb.com/ui/b6/j57eb80a4cd5534263267e71648a5a55a056.jpg
A couple of things about this that trouble me:
1) If you deliberately dropped the plate and broke it, what are the odds that you truly regret your action? Are you really sorry? So what is the point of saying it? An insincere apology is worse than no apology, in my opinion.
If a person comes into your kitchen and just starts deliberately breaking things willy-nilly, and thinks to mend either the plates or your trust by mouthing the words 'sorry,' that's probably not going to cut it. Intentional plate breakers are not welcome in my home or my life. (Accidental plate breakers, otoh? see #3, below)
2) People are not plates. Despite the assertion of many who prefer to embrace Victim Identity and become PC bullies from their position of 'wounded superiority,' we ARE, in fact, capable of healing. Unlike an inanimate object, which has no feelings to be apologized to, nor agency in its own breaking or mending.
Healing can start with a *sincere* apology from someone who truly does regret harming & the issuance of forgiveness based on that apology. That's the easy way.
An even stronger healing can come from within the wounded person, who can decide not to allow others to define him/her with hurtful words, or with the kid-glove handling that being a Victim seems to allow them to expect and demand. We can be bigger than those who hurt us. We can be better and stronger than our childhood wounds. We can be resilient, we can find health and healing in taking responsibility for our own broken crockery, and healing so that we are better, stronger, and more beautiful than when we started.
Even when apologies are not offered, even when the offender does not feel they've done wrong, we can offer forgiveness. We forgive, not to say that it's OK to drop our plates on the floor, but to say that we're not going to keep telling that sad old story and crying about it for the rest of our lives. We're gonna get some new plates and go on with our happy lives, creating our best self, and making our best future.
If we allow ourselves to stay broken, our abusers win. If we allow ourselves to stay broken, we abuse others who try to get close to us by cutting them with our jagged edges. We heal ourselves so that we do not continue to suffer. We heal ourselves so that we do not cause suffering to others with our Victim Identity.
3) If a person has equated themselves or you to an object--a plate, for instance--the relationship is broken. If you have no way to fix, make right, or regain trust with a person you've harmed either accidentally or on purpose, if you get no second chance and have to be perfect 100% of the time....then that relationship is broken. Sad to say, but people aren't perfect. We screw up. We often hurt the people we love the most with the wrong word, or the right word at the wrong time, or silence when a word is needed, or not being there. Or being there in the wrong way, with the wrong words... with anger, with misunderstanding, or just waking up on the wrong side of the bed....there are a thousand and one ways to screw up in a relationship, and the closer you are, the more open and vulnerable you make yourself to someone, the more they can hurt you when they screw up. (not IF, when) We all hurt people we care about, no matter how much we want to be perfect, no matter how precious our loved ones...we all fail, we all fall short, we all do wrong.
If there's no possibility of forgiveness and healing, there's no room to grow in that relationship, no room for intimacy, no room for love. That's pretty much what you get when you treat people like plates.
A couple of things about this that trouble me:
1) If you deliberately dropped the plate and broke it, what are the odds that you truly regret your action? Are you really sorry? So what is the point of saying it? An insincere apology is worse than no apology, in my opinion.
If a person comes into your kitchen and just starts deliberately breaking things willy-nilly, and thinks to mend either the plates or your trust by mouthing the words 'sorry,' that's probably not going to cut it. Intentional plate breakers are not welcome in my home or my life. (Accidental plate breakers, otoh? see #3, below)
2) People are not plates. Despite the assertion of many who prefer to embrace Victim Identity and become PC bullies from their position of 'wounded superiority,' we ARE, in fact, capable of healing. Unlike an inanimate object, which has no feelings to be apologized to, nor agency in its own breaking or mending.
Healing can start with a *sincere* apology from someone who truly does regret harming & the issuance of forgiveness based on that apology. That's the easy way.
An even stronger healing can come from within the wounded person, who can decide not to allow others to define him/her with hurtful words, or with the kid-glove handling that being a Victim seems to allow them to expect and demand. We can be bigger than those who hurt us. We can be better and stronger than our childhood wounds. We can be resilient, we can find health and healing in taking responsibility for our own broken crockery, and healing so that we are better, stronger, and more beautiful than when we started.
Even when apologies are not offered, even when the offender does not feel they've done wrong, we can offer forgiveness. We forgive, not to say that it's OK to drop our plates on the floor, but to say that we're not going to keep telling that sad old story and crying about it for the rest of our lives. We're gonna get some new plates and go on with our happy lives, creating our best self, and making our best future.
If we allow ourselves to stay broken, our abusers win. If we allow ourselves to stay broken, we abuse others who try to get close to us by cutting them with our jagged edges. We heal ourselves so that we do not continue to suffer. We heal ourselves so that we do not cause suffering to others with our Victim Identity.
3) If a person has equated themselves or you to an object--a plate, for instance--the relationship is broken. If you have no way to fix, make right, or regain trust with a person you've harmed either accidentally or on purpose, if you get no second chance and have to be perfect 100% of the time....then that relationship is broken. Sad to say, but people aren't perfect. We screw up. We often hurt the people we love the most with the wrong word, or the right word at the wrong time, or silence when a word is needed, or not being there. Or being there in the wrong way, with the wrong words... with anger, with misunderstanding, or just waking up on the wrong side of the bed....there are a thousand and one ways to screw up in a relationship, and the closer you are, the more open and vulnerable you make yourself to someone, the more they can hurt you when they screw up. (not IF, when) We all hurt people we care about, no matter how much we want to be perfect, no matter how precious our loved ones...we all fail, we all fall short, we all do wrong.
If there's no possibility of forgiveness and healing, there's no room to grow in that relationship, no room for intimacy, no room for love. That's pretty much what you get when you treat people like plates.
