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Happy Birthday to me
May. 21st, 2014 04:24 pm05-21-2014 at 09:48 AM
So, yesterday was my birthday. Coincidentally, my stepdad was in town for the week, mostly to visit my middle brother who is in prison, but also to take care of family business in a nearby city, and to visit other family in town, including me and his son. So yesterday being my birthday, I took off work and dad and I just ratted around town, checking out the old places we used to go, seeing some art at a museum, lunch at a favorite place, just a really super nice day.
Last night was a gathering of an interest group I've been attending for some years. [SIL] and her followers started attending occasionally about a year and a half after I and my sweetheart started, and aside from anxiety when seeing her, I just tried to ignore her and continue attending and enjoying my friends and the interest we all share. So, just to be clear: I have been going to these things once a month, every month, for at least the last 3-4 years. My attendance at these gatherings is not erratic nor unexpected. TQ and entourage have shown up a handful of times, but their attendance is not regular.
So, last night I picked up dad and got there early. We found a good seat for viewing the screen at the front of the room, ordered drinks and food, and then my stepbrother, his son, walks in ALONE. NO SIL or Monkeyboy. My dad was so happy to see his son without the others, he waved him over, sat down. Of course brother has no cash and didn't want to order anything, but dad insisted and he ordered iced tea. He seemed kind of on edge and almost hostile toward me, so aside from greeting him and saying he was looking well, I didn't say much, just let him and his dad talk. Bro let us know that his beloved and Monkeyboy were running late, as they'd had car trouble on the road & were at a service station last he heard from them. I am sure I wasn't much good at hiding my glee (but I didn't say or do anything rude, just said something bland like "that's too bad") .
About an hour into the gathering, SIL and Monkeyboy show up. Brother takes his leave of us and goes over to where they are. I walked by a little later, and she was speaking sternly to him, something about how she had to drive her rig with blinkers on due to some mechanical problem and it's not safe to drive at night.
All 3 left shortly thereafter.
About 20 minutes later, a short film is showing on the screen and we're all watching. My brother comes back in by himself, stands directly in front of the table of people behind us, blocking their view of the screen, taps me on the arm and starts to tell me a story about how this is his fault, he didn't tell his wife I was going to be here, so she wasn't prepared to see me, and she doesn't take well to being caught by surprise. I looked him straight in the eye and said "I have been coming to these for 2 years before y'all started showing up. Me being here is NOT a surprise. I am not responsible for her emotions."
He started with another story, this time she was in a bad mood because she had been hauling horses the last 2 days and had a really bad time on the road, and was just so stressed. Again I interrupted and said "I am really sorry your wife had a bad time, but that is not my fault or my responsibility. She is responsible for her own emotions."
Then he went back to "No, it's my fault, I didn't tell her you were going to be here," and I once again interrupted and said "Your wife is responsible for her own experience. You are not responsible for her emotions."
At that point, our dad interrupted us and said "shut up kids, I'm watching the movie" or something like that, and my brother left.
I am betting that she uses this as an excuse to not let my brother and his dad spend time tomorrow, as they'd planned.
Which sucks. This is why usually when my dad comes to visit, he just goes to see my brother in prison, visits his mom's financial people in X town, and goes home, and doesn't see me and my stepbrother, because of this fucking drama bullshit that happens.
People who overheard the conversation (I tried to keep quiet) said that I did well, stayed calm, and it was good to just keep repeating the assertion that SIL is responsible for her own feelings, and nothing about her bad mood is my fault or my problem, nor her husband's fault or problem.
But of course I still feel bad and guilty and like it's my fault my dad can't have a nice visit here.
I also note that I don't have a perfect memory of the conversation with my brother because I dissociated and a lot of me 'went away' for the duration of our exchange. I am glad I had some pre-programmed responses ready to come out of my mouth for just such an occasion.
And I was glad that the movie was going on so I could cry afterwards and nobody noticed.
[incidentally, 5/30 or 31? is my brother's wedding anniversary, so once again you can practically set your clock by her....CB rageouts are to be expected around all of her High Holy Days.]
================
Edit to add:
05-21-2014 09:52 AM
I hear she changed her FB status to "married to Monkeyboy" ...boy, THAT will show mean old hubby, eh? especially since he doesn't have a facebook and all.
What I don't get is why it's not Monkeyboy's fault for not warning her I was going to be there. He is the one with the FB account, he hasn't blocked me, so he could have easily checked the event page and see that I had RSVPd in order to "warn" her that I was going to be at this thing (that I'm always at)...
ugh, and here I go trying to make sense of a senseless bunch of BS. She was in a bad mood when she got there, due to car problems, she had to focus her rage on someone and lucky me, I was there to pin it on and her husband was there to be blamed for not telling her. ugh. stupid woman.
06-27-2014 12:20 PM
Well, it took over a month, but yesterday a lightbulb went off over my head and I 'got' why "her majesty" felt as though she'd been 'ambushed', 'harassed', 'abused' and 'humiliated' by my presence at a public event in a public venue--she has BLOCKED me on Facebook. That, to her, I think means I don't exist anymore. So me being somewhere and her seeing me messed up her little fantasy world where 'blocking' in social media means I am not supposed to exist in Real Life anymore.
It sounds crazy, and it is...but this is a person who actually, literally changed her name on FB and changed her status to "married to Monkeyboy," *received congratulations from literally dozens of FB friends on her newly married status*....so for her, it IS real. I'm not supposed to exist anymore. It is humiliating and infuriating, as well as possibly terrifying to her that I continue to exist after being erased from existence by her tortured mental processes.
hm.
01-29-2015 06:14 PM
and...isn't it interesting that the person who was 'harassed,' 'attacked' and [attempted] 'humiliated' was not actually her, but she sent her husband to try and do those things to me? and then tells her flying monkeys it was him and his family doing it to her. Cuh. Razy.
But, honestly, I did not come out of that looking like the bad or crazy one, so it's all good. (having finally learned to at least appear that it's all just rolling off my back, no worries here. la la la. even if I shake and cry afterwards.)
03-11-2015 09:40 AM
And the final question I am left with is....what was my brother trying to convey with his final confrontation, there? What was he trying to accomplish? Was he trying to get me to leave? Was he trying to make me apologize for something? I don't get it and I guess I never will.
So, yesterday was my birthday. Coincidentally, my stepdad was in town for the week, mostly to visit my middle brother who is in prison, but also to take care of family business in a nearby city, and to visit other family in town, including me and his son. So yesterday being my birthday, I took off work and dad and I just ratted around town, checking out the old places we used to go, seeing some art at a museum, lunch at a favorite place, just a really super nice day.
Last night was a gathering of an interest group I've been attending for some years. [SIL] and her followers started attending occasionally about a year and a half after I and my sweetheart started, and aside from anxiety when seeing her, I just tried to ignore her and continue attending and enjoying my friends and the interest we all share. So, just to be clear: I have been going to these things once a month, every month, for at least the last 3-4 years. My attendance at these gatherings is not erratic nor unexpected. TQ and entourage have shown up a handful of times, but their attendance is not regular.
So, last night I picked up dad and got there early. We found a good seat for viewing the screen at the front of the room, ordered drinks and food, and then my stepbrother, his son, walks in ALONE. NO SIL or Monkeyboy. My dad was so happy to see his son without the others, he waved him over, sat down. Of course brother has no cash and didn't want to order anything, but dad insisted and he ordered iced tea. He seemed kind of on edge and almost hostile toward me, so aside from greeting him and saying he was looking well, I didn't say much, just let him and his dad talk. Bro let us know that his beloved and Monkeyboy were running late, as they'd had car trouble on the road & were at a service station last he heard from them. I am sure I wasn't much good at hiding my glee (but I didn't say or do anything rude, just said something bland like "that's too bad") .
About an hour into the gathering, SIL and Monkeyboy show up. Brother takes his leave of us and goes over to where they are. I walked by a little later, and she was speaking sternly to him, something about how she had to drive her rig with blinkers on due to some mechanical problem and it's not safe to drive at night.
All 3 left shortly thereafter.
About 20 minutes later, a short film is showing on the screen and we're all watching. My brother comes back in by himself, stands directly in front of the table of people behind us, blocking their view of the screen, taps me on the arm and starts to tell me a story about how this is his fault, he didn't tell his wife I was going to be here, so she wasn't prepared to see me, and she doesn't take well to being caught by surprise. I looked him straight in the eye and said "I have been coming to these for 2 years before y'all started showing up. Me being here is NOT a surprise. I am not responsible for her emotions."
He started with another story, this time she was in a bad mood because she had been hauling horses the last 2 days and had a really bad time on the road, and was just so stressed. Again I interrupted and said "I am really sorry your wife had a bad time, but that is not my fault or my responsibility. She is responsible for her own emotions."
Then he went back to "No, it's my fault, I didn't tell her you were going to be here," and I once again interrupted and said "Your wife is responsible for her own experience. You are not responsible for her emotions."
At that point, our dad interrupted us and said "shut up kids, I'm watching the movie" or something like that, and my brother left.
I am betting that she uses this as an excuse to not let my brother and his dad spend time tomorrow, as they'd planned.
Which sucks. This is why usually when my dad comes to visit, he just goes to see my brother in prison, visits his mom's financial people in X town, and goes home, and doesn't see me and my stepbrother, because of this fucking drama bullshit that happens.
People who overheard the conversation (I tried to keep quiet) said that I did well, stayed calm, and it was good to just keep repeating the assertion that SIL is responsible for her own feelings, and nothing about her bad mood is my fault or my problem, nor her husband's fault or problem.
But of course I still feel bad and guilty and like it's my fault my dad can't have a nice visit here.
I also note that I don't have a perfect memory of the conversation with my brother because I dissociated and a lot of me 'went away' for the duration of our exchange. I am glad I had some pre-programmed responses ready to come out of my mouth for just such an occasion.
And I was glad that the movie was going on so I could cry afterwards and nobody noticed.
[incidentally, 5/30 or 31? is my brother's wedding anniversary, so once again you can practically set your clock by her....CB rageouts are to be expected around all of her High Holy Days.]
================
Edit to add:
05-21-2014 09:52 AM
I hear she changed her FB status to "married to Monkeyboy" ...boy, THAT will show mean old hubby, eh? especially since he doesn't have a facebook and all.
What I don't get is why it's not Monkeyboy's fault for not warning her I was going to be there. He is the one with the FB account, he hasn't blocked me, so he could have easily checked the event page and see that I had RSVPd in order to "warn" her that I was going to be at this thing (that I'm always at)...
ugh, and here I go trying to make sense of a senseless bunch of BS. She was in a bad mood when she got there, due to car problems, she had to focus her rage on someone and lucky me, I was there to pin it on and her husband was there to be blamed for not telling her. ugh. stupid woman.
06-27-2014 12:20 PM
Well, it took over a month, but yesterday a lightbulb went off over my head and I 'got' why "her majesty" felt as though she'd been 'ambushed', 'harassed', 'abused' and 'humiliated' by my presence at a public event in a public venue--she has BLOCKED me on Facebook. That, to her, I think means I don't exist anymore. So me being somewhere and her seeing me messed up her little fantasy world where 'blocking' in social media means I am not supposed to exist in Real Life anymore.
It sounds crazy, and it is...but this is a person who actually, literally changed her name on FB and changed her status to "married to Monkeyboy," *received congratulations from literally dozens of FB friends on her newly married status*....so for her, it IS real. I'm not supposed to exist anymore. It is humiliating and infuriating, as well as possibly terrifying to her that I continue to exist after being erased from existence by her tortured mental processes.
hm.
01-29-2015 06:14 PM
and...isn't it interesting that the person who was 'harassed,' 'attacked' and [attempted] 'humiliated' was not actually her, but she sent her husband to try and do those things to me? and then tells her flying monkeys it was him and his family doing it to her. Cuh. Razy.
But, honestly, I did not come out of that looking like the bad or crazy one, so it's all good. (having finally learned to at least appear that it's all just rolling off my back, no worries here. la la la. even if I shake and cry afterwards.)
03-11-2015 09:40 AM
And the final question I am left with is....what was my brother trying to convey with his final confrontation, there? What was he trying to accomplish? Was he trying to get me to leave? Was he trying to make me apologize for something? I don't get it and I guess I never will.
